A Record of One Among Six Billions

2009-06-04T11:27:00.000-07:00

yet another challenge for us med students and anyone in the health profession :
cerita ibu prita

by the way..
i will be going to
S to the P to the A to the I to the N
coz i am accepted for the exchange! :)

thinking of matadors.rafael nadal.tommy robredo.zara
haha.. so shallow :p

shall go back studying. Clinical exam in 3 days' time. Holiday's up afterwards!

2009-05-26T13:28:00.000-07:00

Finally, SOOCA is over! I've never imagined there'd be such nerve-wrecking moments in my life. Perspirations, palpitations, headaches, tremor.. every symptoms of panic attacks all at once! And it wasn't just me; it happened to almost everyone inside the isolation room.

Confused much? Ok, here's the thing.

SOOCA, in second year, is an oral exam testing the med student's on their comprehensive knowledge about the 31 cases on reproductive system, endocrine system, and neurobehavior (neurology + psychiatry), all of which have been learnt for the past year. Doesn't sound too bad this way, but the truth is, SOOCA is soooo scary because:
1. it is preluded with an isolation system where all students who are having the exam on that day are crammed into one room, each with their own worries. imagine the situation! and not one person -even the brightest, most prepared ones- is not worried.
2. out of the 31 cases learnt, only 7 will be tested per day. out of the 7 tested, each student will only get to present ONE single case. point is, can't even think about leaving even a single case out, because it might just be the one that we have to present. the cases that have come out today may or may not be coming out the next day. aaaargghh. of course, there were nice doctors who would give us clues + directions on what cases would come out.. but still,, there is no guarantee...
3. the case presentation would be done in a small room whereby there will only be the student and two doctors as examiners. tension!
4. the score would be told to the student at the end of his/her presentation. more tension!
5. the score would weigh exactly 50% of the 26 credits we take for reproductive, endocrine, and neurobehavior system! which means.. if we screw this up, there's hardly any chance to pull up our grades (the written exam is more difficult, but less distress-causing). wayyyy more tension!
6. it is not impossible to fail! and this is the worst part, i think. because, once one fails, one can only get a maximum C for the exam..

ahhhh! conclusion is.. i think my panic attacks were well-reasoned-out.. :D

what happened to me?
okay, to be honest, i wanted so badly to nail sooca down. i wanted to get a very, very high A. why? i kind of screwed up my reproductive system written exam, and a very high A could lay me an A still for repro. i didn't want to wind up retaking my written exam just to chase the A grade during remedials in mid-july later, because i signed up for the exchange to spain and i really wanted to go.
so, i prepared myself for the war.
there were group studies, staying-over-at-jessi's-place, burning-out-the-midnight-oil, sleepless nights..
but still, i don't have enough time to prepare. or maybe my time management wasn't good enough. or maybe again, my overdetailed approach on every cases cost me too much time.
i didn't go through every case properly..
so on the day of exam, i panicked. in the isolation room, where one should be relaxing or reviewing, i was frantically trying to memorize facts.. when my name finally got called, there was nothing i could do anymore, so i just gathered my things, said my prayer..believing in miracle. as always. (i have lots of encounters with miracle in the past oral exams :) )
went to the drawing room, pulled out a card numbered 11. Didn't have a clue what case would no.11 be. Being handed on the question paper. Trying to read from the back, but the doctor in charge quickly told us not to.
and the case was..
STROKE. atherothrombotic infarct stroke.

i read through the question paper. whatttt?? this is so different from the case we learnt! what possibly cause the stroke?? there's no risk factor..
and why is the sensory function spared while the lesion is on the parietal lobe???
damn damn..
and why can't i remember about the difference between central lesions and peripheral lesions of cranial nerve VII and XII?

oh man.

i tried to calm down. and wrote down whatever i think is relevant.
30 minutes went away fast.

it was time for me to enter the presentation room.
the examiners were.. dr.nurdjaman -neurologist- and dr.birgitta -pathologist-
heard they were lineant..
i presented. dr. nurdjaman asked a lot of questions during my presentation (guiding questions, definitely)..
i screwed up my explanations on cranial nerve.
i didn't explain the histology of brain because i didn't think i have to.
i didn't explain the role of glutamate in stroke because i didn't think i have to.
i totally forgot to mention the ethical aspect of the case.
i was asked to leave the room for a while after my presentation; apparently the two doctors need to discuss something.
and then i was called back.

and..
i conquered. :)
not in the full sense of the word, no, because i didn't achieve that high, high A that i have in mind.
but..
it is still an A and it is still a nice score to have and it still feels like it's worth all the pain i went through studying for the exam.

i conquered!
eventhough i don't think i deserve the conquest.
ahhh.. miracle yet again. thank You.

written exams coming up! and skill exams too..
shall start preparing again. a day's break is never much. but it is enough.

sidenote:
want to watch angels & demons.
want to go for vacation.. bali? singapore?
want to eat good food.. jatinangor's food is getting boring.
happy because Roland Garos's on TV!!! :) :) Go Roger, go Roger!

to the slums and back

2009-05-02T17:21:00.000-07:00

i remember situations whereby i couldn't wait for the day to be over. lots of such situations, actually :D
however, i only can recall ONE particular incident whereby the situation went on for weeks, even months, in a degree so deep even the memory of it pains me. it happened five years back, when i was in my first year of junior college. i shouldn't talk about why.
my daily activity went like this: every morning, i wouldn't want to wake up; i would hate the rituals of taking a bath, putting on my uniform, taking breakfast downstairs at the Dunman canteen, and taking a bus to school. as a result, i would delay my waking-up time until it was just enough time for me to do rush through everything. i hated seeing people, i would purposely not saying hi to anyone i met. i avoided any kind of school work. i skipped school whenever i could get away with it. i did not go out. i shut myself from everyone.
the overall effect? well, as expected, my life was a mess.
it took time to rebuild what was left of me.. luckily i had friends to help me get through it :)

well. that was the first i ever had, and, as is everything first, there's bound to be the second, third, fourth, etc.

i have been to the second.

similar symptoms, similar signs. lucky thing, this time i anticipated it ^^
therefore, i was able to put forward certain steps to manage the outcome. and i have dearboyfriend to help me through it.

now i'm back! haha..

SOOCA, here I come! i'm prepared to win you over ;)

btw. i just watched harry potter and the half blood prince's trailer on EH's blog.
it's dark in a captivating, calling-you-over-to-find-out-more way. seductive.

anyway. i signed up for the a research exchange to spain since february, but haven't been notified about the outcome yet... true, i was told that i am the only one signing up from Indonesia, and true again, Indo has one slot to be filled.. but then again, what can I do if Spain doesn't want me?? btw, a classmate -JC- has been notified that she's going to Czech. coolness!

back to daily grind..
i have these many task to do :
1. learning issue (in class): physiology of vision. due TOMORROW.
2. learning issue (in academic div.): dizziness and vertigo. due TUESDAY.
3. SOOCA draft : diabetes mellitus, cerebral palsy. due TUESDAY.
4. Olymphiart: secretary's report. due TUESDAY.
5. AMSA research team: chief report. due TUESDAY.
6. lab activity: anatomy, histology, physiology of eye. due TOMORROW.
7. AMSA multicenter research: call & meet up dr. bachti. due THURSDAY.

ok, shall stop procastinating!

"procastination is the thief of time" - anonymous

olymphiart oh olymphiart..

2009-04-17T18:26:00.000-07:00

a lil flashback..

Friday, April 17, 2009

A senior (I duely respect this senior much) who shall not be named asked me to approach her, saying, "Mar, I heard there are internal problems in Olymphiart organizing committee itself.."
A question which -unfortunately- I couldn't answer immediately. I looked above for a while, then answering, "No, there isn't one".
But the senior pressed, "Somebody approached me and complained to me about it."
To which my answer was, "No, there isn't one. None that I know of anyway."
The senior kept pressing, "I heard the complain that the organizing comittee doesn't get the essence of Olymphiart itself -that is, togetherness-".
But my answer was still the same :) (and it was an honest answer! I didn't know if there was any problem with us getting the essence of this whole thing)
The senior would probably have kept pressing me had Uno didn't suddenly show up. Luckily he did, and the senior asked him instead; good thing, his answer was the same as mine :)

Okay, so the above paragraph doesn't actually warrant any problem. I am just rather subdued that people could easily come up to that senior, complaining (do they even know what they're complaining about?), without bothering to fix the problem with the OC itself first. Purely childlike behavior, if I might add.

The rest of the day proceeded with football and vocal group competitions.

By the way,
Have I ever thought that no-Mocca-at-Gathering-Night as a gift? Never, not even in my dreams. But it actually is :) How? It's rather complex to describe, so let's just put it as, one less attraction for Gathering Night enables the rest of Olymphiart to proceed.
Talk about blessing in disguise.
Anyway, this should remind me, out of anything, that:
God always knows best, so never have doubt in your faith.

Saturday, April 18, 2009 i.e TODAY

It's the day of Amazing Race : 13.00H-17.00H

I was supposed to be in-charge for one small station where teams that arrive there should switch their left-right shoes and tie it together with a partner before being sent off to a big station. A small station.
But because of one thing that led to another, I was suddenly in charge of the triathlon. A BIG station. The FIRST station. THE STARTING POINT.
FYI, readers, if you do happen to know me well, I am one who always have to be prepared for every damn thing, even to the minute details. I hate it when I am not prepared, and the unpreparedness would haunt me throughout.

During the course of the triathlon itself, participants were supposed to complete four traditional-competition-type tasks. I was rather clueless about the competition itself, and, as a result, I was unprepared. As a result, I lost my air of 'coolness' to the point that an excitatory stimuli may just be enough to cause me to 'burn'. There were, unfortunately, a helluva stimuli; be it the uncooperating participants, the "where-are-the-******?" moments, the "sorry-we-broke-the-******" moments, etc. So, there I was: burnt -and I believe it was not a pleasant sight nor sound for the senses-

Regrets? Yes. Definitely. I wasn't myself. I am sorry.

Guilt and Innocence

2009-04-15T21:42:00.000-07:00

"And so we give in to temptation, all the while knowing come morning, we'll have to suffer the consequences"

And I am guilty..

Anyways. Everyone seems to have started studying for SOOCA :( it kills me inside that i haven't even touched any notes.. but i haven't found the drive within me to start. I know that, without the drive, there'd be no chance of me excelling.
However, as a friend puts it, let the dogs bark.

Something that I learnt this week is, being altruistic is extremely difficult, especially if one is happen to be born with lack of self-sacrificing quality. You know one of those moments when someone else gets the appreciation for the good work that you have done, and that someone does not even bother to appreciate you back -not the slightest- ? Instead, she shamelessly push you to work even more for the cause (while you already know full well that no credits will be given to you)? I had that particular encounter yesterday :(
I was pretty devastated, but a few hours of reflection got me back up.. As he puts it, when such thing happens, just re-evaluate your goals, and think whether this work you do is consistent with what you really want in the end. And if it is, there is nothing in this world, let alone just a shameless b*tch, may stop you from achieving it.
Live your dream true to yourself.

I did say I want to blog about SLBN Cicendo.. but i'm currently in no mood on writing about it. So, let's save it for another day.

olymphiart'09 : THE opening ceremony

2009-04-14T12:26:00.000-07:00

yesterday's opening ceremony was a BLAST ! filled with free-flowing ice creams, drinks, brought-to-life fairytale characters, and of course.. the proletarians of four countries : 2005, 2006, 2007, and 2008.
shouldn't disclose any further info about the ceremony, though, 'coz it is kinda reserved by the blogs competing in Olymphiart's very own blog competition.. still curious? for details of the ceremony, click here or this. There are other blogs, but those two gave the most comprehensive description, i think :)

anyway.. i was very tired after the ceremony; i went straight to deep slumber when i reached my place :D (and only woke up at 5 am)

today, i went for this thing called extramural activity -an activity carried out once per semester as a part of bioethics & humaniora programme, a compulsory subject in my course of study-. Went to Sekolah Luar Biasa Cicendo (translate : School for People with Disabilities). Will blog about this tomorrow, I think.. I'm too sleepy to continue typing. It is, after all, almost 3 AM..

forgiving me

2009-04-10T12:30:00.000-07:00

I've been reading my old entries for the past few hours.. What a life I had in Singapore :) full of emotions -laughters and cries-

Anyway.. I read the entries for a reason. I am currently faced with a situation similar to what I encountered almost four years ago. I am determined that the outcome is not the same..

What bugged me these days are not these stuff, though. It is something else.. Probably as a result of certain failure in my oral stage of psychodevelopment, I have grown as an individual who can easily "fall". Recently, there has been one particular stimuli which intermittently pushes me backward and pull me back up. I am rocked, and I don't like it. It would be easier if it just goes away, but I'm not sure I want it to go away (actually, it kinda feels like guilty pleasure for now). I'm trying to balance myself as best as I could, but as experience had it, I tend to not be balanced anyway -I tend to follow my heart, ignoring my head- only to realize in the end that, I should have learned my balancing acts more dilligently..

history is there so that mankind doesn't repeat mistakes done in the past, but can we ever do so?

Updates!
It was election day yesterday.. and.. I confess I am guilty of not voting! I had no opinion about which party or senator will be best representing me.. so I chose not to say anything. I'm sorry, dear Indonesia.. Next time I'll do better than this.

OLYMPHIART is coming in three days' time. Hopefully our hard work, sweats and tears have not gone in waste; hopefully this competition brings forth to all the campus community what it is supposed to bring: joy, fun, and togetherness. Amin.

It's been three months since I joined Senat and Olymphiart OC.. and boy, what vast knowledge, what colorful experience I've encountered.. Ecstasy, dismay, drive, pushing-through-when-everything-seems-impossible.. True, it presents the challenge of balancing studies and work, and probably it requires a certain sacrifice on fun, but the whole experience has not been less than satisfying.

Another benefit that I have come to experience is,
that in the process of doing all these, I begin to come to terms with myself. I begin to let myself be, not controlling it so much. I begin to let loose. I begin to dream again. Like a cripple suddenly having a newfound faith, I who have been wounded and scared, is earning the will to learn to walk again.
The work smoothes it out, but I know this awakening is first initiated by YOU.
Thankyou so much.

What is happiness?

2009-03-15T08:53:00.001-07:00

I begin to get a clearer picture of what my happiness would look like.
It's definitely NOT about having everything that I want to have ;
It's having what truly matters to me, and voluntarily foregoing everything else :)

Really?
Don't know.. but I have a feeling it is.

2009-03-14T20:45:00.000-07:00

It was a happy birthday :) :)
I'm 23 now!

Two days post-birthday, the Pendpro crew actually attempted to get me (notice the word attempted, suggestive of it being not-so-successful). Thanks for the attempt guys, I really appreciate it. Appreciate the blackforest cake, too :) :) (next time I prefer cheesecake! haha..)
The whole thing was highly reminiscent of the birthday celebration I had in Dunman High Hostel.. I still remembered Erlin mix-texting me about my own birthday cake (she wanted to text Sher, but certain neuronal circuits of hers went haywire at that time).

Moving on to academic affairs,
I am now on the fourth week of Neurobehaviour and Special Sense System (NBSS for short), and boy, didn't it thrill me beyond my wildest expectations! Last year, when I got an overview of the system, I was sure I wouldn't enjoy learning it. It was much too complicated; too many new terms; too many pathways; too many brain areas; too many gyri, sulci, and fissures to remember. It seemed impossible. Now, though, eventhough I still find the whole thing daunting, the learning process is much more enjoyable; the brain is a reflection of self : it portrays who I am or who you are as a person. Damage the brain, damage the person. Change the brain, change the person.

That teaches me that we should always keep an open mind for everything... what seemed dark and gloomy yesterday can suddenly turn bright yellow and sunny, if only we are prepared for that possibility.

Chim. :D

By the way, this "kos-kosan" of mine is really wonderful.. There is actually no connection to the internet for the whole building; but here in my room, I get spillovers from the neighboring Shafayoghurt (a wireless-providing place selling good yoghurt and playing good jazz music, mostly Jamie Cullum), such that every night and day, I can go online!!! Yayee. I am so keeping this room. Haha. Despite its a-bit-leaky ceiling.

I want to learn Corel Draw...

The Becoming

2009-03-01T07:10:00.000-08:00

Remembering the years gone by wanting this,
Reminiscing the time spent pondering if only,
Knowing full well what I've missed,

Now when it's within my reach,
All I wish is the strength in act,
The wisdom in thoughts,
The blessing from You,

Let it be me.

2009-01-16T00:32:00.000-08:00

i don't know what to say :p

if there's anything i learn for the past week, it'll sound something like "do everything one step at a time; before you know it, everything's over"

btw, i moved into a new home of five at jl. sayang ;) nice, big room. plus the benefit of walking to campus (which means i don't have to groan over the fact that i never exercise.. hehe..)

2008-12-14T04:50:00.000-08:00

Exam's over! :) :) :) :) :)

Well. Eventhough I can't say the results would be as good as my past exams, I'm glad it's over. It's a HUUUGE burden off my shoulder. Dunno. Don't like reproductive systems lah. Will never do, I think.

Right after the last exam, I went off to settle stuff I had been dying to settle: new room and new haircut.. I've got bangs now! Haha. My man said I looked YOUNG with the new haircut.. Haha.. I guess for the next few weeks no stranger on the bus would think that I am a PhD student, right? (It did happen a few months ago; a stranger (lawyer, actually) asked whether I was still studying or already working; I answered I was at my 1st year of university; and he assumed I was on my 1st year of PhD study in university!!! :( :( :( Wth)

After my hair was done, the two of us (my bf and me, that is) had luinner (lunch-dinner) at Platinum, where he heroically finished the hero portion of fried rice (which is equal to two normal servings) within 8 minutes to win a free combo teppanyaki :) I ate the teppanyaki, btw.

We went to caught Twilight afterwards (not before running into a bunch of FK people :) ). Oh-so-romantiiiicccc :) I feel like reading the book now..

Post-PKM

2008-11-22T20:51:00.000-08:00

I'm currently sitting around at my man's lab.. he's at the first floor doing some welding, and here i am rotting. Well, not exactly rotting, because actually I have tons to do. I've got 30-page-thick of Novak's Gynecology to read (something about endometrial hyperplasia); but I've got no mood to do...

My mind's wandering somewhere else. To yesterday's chain of events, to be exact.

So we did this students-give-back thing at a very poor village in Jatinangor: cilayung. I happened to be stationed at citeureup, the more distant part of the village, where the people were poorer, the buildings were shabbier, and the conditions could make the hardest of heart melt away.

The event that we organized for Citeureup comprised of a "Balai Pengobatan" (House of Remedy...?) and Home Visit. Balai Pengobatan is where the villagers come, be examined by students of health care (medicine, dentistry, nursing, and pharmacy students), be diagnosed for any pathological state by the doctors, and be given some medicines to relief their sickness. Home visit, on the other hand, was a more proactive approach where students come to the villagers' home instead, to examine the health state of the villagers as well as to give a certain level of understanding of basic health care. Balai Pengobatan was actually an excellent chance to practise what little skills we have acquired so far in history-taking. I stationed there, but failed to gain adequate exercise for it :( mainly because i was needed to do something else. It's okay, though; I'm quite confident I can make up for whatever I missed out yesterday later in my co-ass period.

What's been bugging my mind, though, is the fact that whatever we did in the village yesterday will stop just there. The people would remain as poor as ever; their health would not be improved, their homes would still be as shabby; and when the next batch of students are doing their giving-back activities sometime in the future, everything will still be the same.
THAT'S UNBELIEVABLY SAD TO THE POINT OF NEARLY UNREASONABLE.

The organizing committee had worked like hell for the past two weeks, but what are the impacts we made on the villager's lives? Short-lived (probably one-week-worth) of pain relief, and that's it. We have changed nothing despite our hard work... we manage to put a little bit of smile in their faces for a day, and then we pretend as if it is enough; but I know that deep in our heart, we realize it isn't enough. It is almost useless.

It is giving hungry people fishes and not teaching them how to fish.

And then I compare our giving-back projects with my man's faculty's (Mech Engineering-ITB, which built a bridge for a remote village in Soreang) and my sis's faculty (Architecture-ITB, which built a playground for elementary school kids' studying home in a kampong near ITB), and I see juxtapositions. Their projects are much more complicated, require a hell lot of time and commitment, and the impacts of their projects are long-lasting.

The whole night I was thinking about what are the possible things that we could have done as a follow-up step; but everything I could think of require massive funding, a lot of energy from whoever will voluntarily organizing it, and a lot of commitment from everyone involved.
As students, though, we're obliged to our academic activities that sometimes it is difficult to always remember our obligations to the community.

I wish there's enough of us who could remember how important it is to think beyond ourselves, because that's the only way for us to move forward, to be a step (or even many steps) beyond what we think we're capable of, and to be an asset for others.

But then again, now that PKM is over, I'm glad for the chance to focusing on my academic affairs (exams in two weeks!). Mixed feeling, eh? :p

Disappointment, and More

2008-07-19T00:04:00.000-07:00

I have three ex-classmates: RO**, DI**, and MO**LI**
I wish I could wish them that:
- they have worsts of luck and bests of bad luck.
- their dreams may never be achieved.
- their happiness will fade away with time.
- they may never grow.
- God not be with them.
But i couldn't, because that's not what I'm taught to do.

I remember my sis telling me that Muhammad, The Prophet, prays to God to forgive whoever hurts him. Well, I'm only human, I can't do that.

When I'm bitten, I probably can't bite back. I probably can't even get close enough to do that. But hey, I've got rather long limbs. I can definitely kick ass.

And I'm waiting. Waiting til the day I can finally kick their asses. I can assure myself, that when I finally kick them, their asses will never be the same again.

2008-07-07T06:12:00.000-07:00

To kill time out of me, I've been cross-stitching
Yes, cross-stitching :D

Wimbledon final was on yesterday, Federer v Nadal
This time, Nadal finally took the title from my hero's hands :( :( :(
He did it in five sets, 6-4, 6-4, 6-7, 6-7, 9-7
Still not over the sadness :(

Shall move on with cross-stitching...

2008-07-01T01:24:00.000-07:00

I've just finished Agatha Christie's Three Act Tragedy. Love it love it love it! I suggest, if you ever wanna try to read some detective stories or if you are looking for alternatives to Sherlock Holmes, try this book :)
Loooove the ending.

Y'know, one of the things that I'm probably really bad at is keeping in touch. I've lost counts of friendships that drift apart just because of time, or distance. It's not as if I purposely do it; I just don't know how not to. Then, when I actually realize how horrible I have been to let those friendships go away, I still don't know how to "pay my dues".

Like the case with my elementary school ex-mates. They started doing reunions about a year ago, around the time I had to move to Bandung. Which only means that for most of the reunions, I cannot be around (the reunions were held in Surabaya). Then, when I see pictures of them now, and how close they apparently are, I withdrew myself. I thought, there was no way I could fit in among them.

By the way, that doesn't happen one or two times, it happen to me almost all of the times. With many other kinds of friends.
With some friends, however, it simply doesn't happen. Those are the few friendships I manage to "save".

Anyway, does it make me a bad person? No.
Does it make me a bad friend? Probably yes.

Anyone with solutions?

Movin to less self-obsessed stuff,
1. Private Practice's starting today! Should be enjoyable.
2. Both Federer and Nadal advance to the quarterfinals of Wimbledon.
3. Heard that the year-end Tennis Masters' Cup is held in England this year! Yayee.
4. BF's coming to town tomorrow morning :) :) :) something to be happy about.
5. Met my niece for the first time. She came down to my house this morning. Name's IA Sekarcinta, and is called Cinta. She's only two-week-old yet so pretty already!
6. I'm reading The Time Traveler's Wife soon. Bought the book two days ago, based on Sher's (unintended) recommendation about three years ago. Took me long enough :D
7. Really want to go for hols

2008-06-28T20:16:00.000-07:00

Good news for me is: exam's over
That means, I can take care of this blog again without feeling any guilt :D

Result's out, too, it's good ^^
Eventhough I think I can do better for Civics..
Some people registered for remedial exams eventhough their result is already very good, but I've decided that I won't.. I thought, since it's been quite a gruelling ten months of always trying to catch up with the thick, thick reading, I wanted to take a break from all of it for the next two months..
Note: in my fac, remedials are compulsory for those who get Ds or Es. They are voluntary for those who get Bs or Cs and wants to up their grades to As. The best results are the ones counted. Generous, I should say..

I straightened my hair.. It's becoming a six monthy routine for me for the last few years..
I haven't had anything planned out for holidays..
I wish I could work, but what work?
Otherwise, I want to go somewhere for holidays, but my savings ain't enough..
Hence, I decided to go home. (aaarghh, it's so hot in surabaya!)

When I asked my sis what's her plans for holidays, she said she had none, either, because she had to take care of something planned out by the her fac's student's union.. And then she advised me, well, if I have nothing planned out for the holidays, I should just think about the skills that I want to acquire at the end of the holidays, and work towards it. (My lil sis is more grown-up than me in a lot of things, actually)

By the way, talking about skills, I really think I am close to have no skills at all :( :( :(
However, when I thought about the skills that I want to acquire right away, I could only find two: driving and making decisions.

I learnt how to drive a few years back. I did drive around the city back then. But after I was absent from driving for a few months, I forgot almost completely about it :(
Probably driving is almost unnatural for me as dancing, sports, or anything that requires bodily movements. If I don't practice it everyday, I can't do it.

Making decision is even more difficult. In many things, I have no opinion, probably because I don't care about those things. That said, sometimes we just do have to take a side in certain things right? For example, during the election of Governor. I need to decide which candidate my vote goes to, but I don't have any inclination towards any. Nor that I am interested to find out the programmes of each candidate in order to make my decision-making process easier. Most of the time, when such situations surface, I would just let go of my vote. I just behave...nonchalantly. Inside, though, I don't think behaving like that is right. Ah, I don't know.....

A Walk Down The Memory Lane

2008-05-15T02:10:00.000-07:00

The faculty has this Bioethics and Humaniora Programme (BHP), which strives to implant ethical values and cultural awareness in us doctors-to-be. Well, to tell the truth, most of the lectures on this module are not the most exciting lectures; but there is one activity that I die to experience: extramural activity :) We do this usually twice per semester. Basically it is an out-of-campus learning experience where we get to visit hospitals, pharmacy companies, etc.

Since I'm from one of the many families which have no background whatsoever in the medical field, these kind of activities really open up my eyes to quite a lot of things.

This semester's extramural activity was a one-day "field trip" to Tasikmalaya to visit a rehabilitation centre and a primitive kampong.

The rehabilitation centre was.. hmm, how should I put it.. pitiable? It is called Inabah XV, and they only accept guys. The philosophy of the rehab centre is spiritual healing--which basically means that they teach the patients to be spiritual, to depend on God, to always be near Him, and hopefully that will clean their souls, furthering them from the drugs or whatever that has caused them to be checked into the rehab. Apart from praying and dzikir, the guys were made to take a bath every two nights at 2 AM..
When the guy who ran this place was asked why did he believe in such therapy, he put forward that those are what written in Al-Qur'an.. bathe, pray, and do dzikir, it will bring you away from evil. It's wonderful, isn't it? I mean, I know that withdrawal symptoms from narcotics are really painful.. To be able to overcome such pain by nearing oneself to God, without any medical intervention or analgesics or whatever.. It just makes me wonder, is spiritual healing has been way too underrated? Have we, especially us who lives in the city, forgotten how tightly intertwined our mind, body, spirit, and environment that we only pay attention to the physical part of health?
While I was amazed that such therapy exists, I am disappointed to know that to divert their addiction from drugs, the patients are actually entitled to four cigarettes per day :( Now, I know that cigarettes, unlike addictive substances, are not forbidden by any religion (correct me if I'm wrong). However, we are all well aware of how toxic they are, right? Lung cancers, heart disease, loss of weight. You name it. Cigars aren't good for your body!
I just can't buy the idea of healing your soul while destroying your body..

The second destination was Kampung Naga.. this one is really pretty... it is a 111-house village that is located in a valley surrounded by forests. The people there are self-sufficient: they plant rice, veggies and they keep cattles. They eat rice, daun singkong and salt every day. And they're healthy to boot. Cool ;)
To get to Kampung Naga was easy, to get out wasn't so. We needed to climb 354 stairs (I counted!). Fortunately I was given the strength to climb through. We took a lot of pictures there, too, what with the serene, beautiful forest, paddy fields and rivers there.

Extramural aside,
this coming saturday it's a BHP seminar.. and as always, I was given the part to write the report.. haha.. not complaining. I love writing. I hope I could finish the report tonight.. want to relax tomorrow..

Anyways,
I've done watching the second season of sex & the city.. very funny! Love the last episode. It reminded me of the TJC Guitar's Aurora days..
Just the way we were....
Guitars. It's been more than a year since I last played it.. Probably because now I no longer have friends I could play with ya?
I actually miss singapore. Especially the friends
Sushi with Sherly and Erlin
Guitar rehearsals with Pat, Eng Hooi and Choong Yoon
Cleaning room with Fungus
Walking the CJC hill with Jaq and Yess
Detective moves with Jolene
Movies with Asih
Memories...

Well, I don't think I can ever be over Singapore.. not that I have to be over her, right?

a little more pain-bearing

2008-05-07T05:32:00.000-07:00

I'm rotting again.. apparently it's becoming my habit every wednesday, 7-9 pm..
This time it's in ITB comp lab

Anyway, updates updates...

I cant believe that the Dekanat is villain enough to grant 24th may as the Open House day.. we have exams on 26th onwards! I just hope everything turns out fine..

Open House here, for me, does not bring as much excitement as the ones I encounter before.. maybe because I know that I won't have any juniors checking out my campus..

Anyways. Today's lab was quite fun.. we did ABO blood grouping!! Haha.. That wasn't quite what I am happy about, though. You know, i'm not much of a pain-bearer.. so when I read the lab manual yesterday night, I said to myself,
"Marita, you're gonna make sure that your finger is going to get blood-punctured tomorrow and you're going to get your blood group tested"
just to let me know that I can bear some pain hehe..

And.. I did get my finger punctured :)
It was painful, but I'm glad to get through it... The blood dripped only a little, so I had to actually squeeze my finger to get more blood drops to come out.. we needed about 4-5 drops for each tests and there were like four tests (for A, B, AB and Rh). So.. yea, it was quite a lot of squeezing going on in the lab..

AS came up with a bunch of pick-up lines again, and today, EW even chipped in.. here's the one pick-up line I found most funny..
"Doctor.. I'm sick, but if you examine me, you would be surprised"
"Why would I be surprised?"
"Because you'll find you in my heart"

Yea, very just-graduated-from-SMA-ish :D

However,
I'm quite disappointed with the way things turn out in my current tutorial group.. Maybe it's not my colleagues-to-be's fault.. maybe it's just me aye?
My previous group was superb, so perhaps I'm still not over the juxtaposition..

Work aside, they're very nice people to talk to..

Urine and Cirrhosis

2008-04-23T06:04:00.000-07:00

Hi pple.. been a long time ya

I'm currently rotting at Atheroz.. which is this internet cafe at the heart of Bandung.. so I decided to refresh my blog hehe.. hopefully this time I can keep my promise to always keep my blog up..

OLYMPHIART 2008 at my faculty.. there're lots of things going on, really.. human's chess, vocal group, basketball, volleyball, cooking competition, etc.etc...
Sadly, I have no spirit whatsoever to go and support my batch, let alone participate..
I wonder why.

Maybe I haven't felt any connection just yet with my batch? But connections aren't gonna built themselves by themselves, they are supposed to be gradually developed.. over weeks, months, years.
I (think) I just have too many things on my hands at the moment that I feel watching OLYMPHIART is a bit of time-wasting... (I am really quite sickened by myself for actually feeling like that).. I gotta take care of my work, keep up with my reading, nourish relationships with a few people, and taking care of my house..
Yah.. I really need help, I think..

Back to the connections thing. I thought I had established quite a strong bond with my previous tutor group.. but I dunno, once we all change group, everything seem different..

Anyway, on a lighter note,
I did a urine test in lab today! :) It's quite easy, I just dip the test strip to the urine specimens provided.. There were four urine types there: normal, glucosuria, hematuria and proteinuria ones.. Once I dipped the reagent strip, the boxes on the strip starts changing colors, which represent meanings such as: green box means there is blood in the urine; peach box means the urine is too acidic, etc.
After that, we got to know more about liver cirrhosis, which is really mind-opening; because I read Dahlan Iskan's book "Ganti Hati" a few months ago, where he talked about how he acquired Hepatitis B virus and how it became chronic and that his liver experienced cirrhosis so severe that he need to go get a new heart in China. And all these months, I was wondering what cirrhosis is hehe (I'm too lazy to open up Dorland's).. today I learnt about it and I was like, AHA, now I know exactly what Dahlan was talking about :D

Went to Mambo (that's a short form of Jl. Imam Bonjol), had pempek and clemmons for dinner.. yumyum! Of course I couldn't finish it, so I tapao some..

Tomorrow's lecture day, but Dewiz borrowed my Henry's so I don't think I could read up for lecture tonight.. Maybe starting on Robbins' instead.. friday's my presentation day and I haven't prepared anything..

Okay, so this is for today.. I really hope I could keep this blog up :)
Ciao..

2007-10-10T03:49:00.000-07:00

Nailed it! ;)

Well, I probably did make a mistake in the past ignoring this particular thing and regretted it afterwards. But I did not make the same mistake a few weeks ago and, as a result, reaped the benefits just yesterday :)

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY

my dad figured i deserved a tv or a personal internet connection for that..
can't be better, eh?

dr.Tri was particularly kind today, prolly being the last day of school.. he actually explained something in front! what an achievement! (right, B-2 pple?)

unfortunately, he DID NOT forget leaving us with tons of homework for the break... (i wish..)

oh ya. went to CIMSA open house today with ika, nita, eri and dewiz.. (all of them are 17-18 years old.. i felt so old all the time in campus..) decided i wanted to sign up for either SCORE or SCORP or SCORA.. (there were six SCOs, so it was good to reduce the options from six to three.. eventhough i can only opt for one SCO in the end..)

jatinangor has been really, really quiet in the past three days.. especially in campus.. looks like we're the only one still having classes..
but NO MORE!
Tomorrow i'm flying surabaya.. with sis..

i think that's it for now..
it's break-fast time here..
two more days to hari raya! :) :) :)

2007-10-08T06:21:00.000-07:00

Today, something unexplainable drove me to check out my blogspot account... well, it still exists.. but the state it is in is really sad.. like Sher said, it is really abandoned.

So, okay I'm updating it now.. and I hope I could continually update it.. Pray I keep my promise ya hehe..

So many things happened in the past one year.. So many little stories, details to be told.. but I won't spill it here. I think it's much more meaningful to have it told orally, face-to-face.. so I'll just skip that part of my life and focus to the present..

I hope it's okay?

Today I went to a very EMPTY campus... only medicine students went to school today, I suppose.. all others were having their Idul-Fitri holidays. And this will continue until wednesday.. T_T

But I'm flying to Surabaya on thurs.. so I guess it's okay... C'mon mar.. you can be even more patient than this, rite..

I played lots of Pizza Frenzy today :D

My sis is staying at my place.. well, her holiday starts today, and she didn't feel like staying in her room in Bandung because all of her housemates left to their respective hometowns for holiday already.

Ok, I'm being incoherent.. but nevermind.. I shall blog better next time..

2006-08-12T16:54:00.000-07:00

And the reason why I want to leave doesn't stop there…

Sighs. People have been giving me 'lectures' on how I will regret ever leaving Singapore, and how I should learn how to appreciate what I've got here.

I'll always support your decision, but you've got to think about it really carefully.
This is the best of the lot, meaning it makes me responsible single-handedly for whatever I choose. Probably the person just doesn’t want me to regret in the end.

Many people would probably KILLto be where you are right now, and you are just going to throw it away?
Of course nobody wants to kill being me. It's not as if NUS degree guarantees 100% of me having good job and all. It's not as if it is very difficult to get to this course, to this university. A few thousand people do it every year, by the way.
Edit: I have to admit, though, today on my way to Changi, someone actually said she would kill to get into NUS… sigh. Take my place if you want, by all means!

Nobody cares whether you've got scholarship or not. After all, scholarship means more money, that’s all.
I care! I care! Scholarship doesn't only mean money (anyway money means a lot to me!). It speaks about one as a person, and one's brain as a brain (get me?).

Everyone has got choices. You've got a choice to be strong or to be weak. Choose to be strong!
Why do I have to choose to be strong? I am choosing to be weak for the moment because I know I have to be really much stronger in the future. Life here is just so certain, stable and, I should say, LIMBO. Life in Indo will be much more exciting.. there is an element (many more elements, actually) of uncertainty there. Will I get to go uni there? Will I get the course I want? Will I be able to adapt all over again? See, Indo requires more more more strength to survive.

All in all, I just want to say: I do not hate Singapore, as much as I complain about its "fakeness", its sucky education system, some of its really cold people, its individuality and its over-organized-ness. I don’t, ok? My four years here have been fruitful, I learnt many things and did many things that I thought I could never do before (like, running 2.4K non-stop or survive juggling studies-cca-life or book my own flight tickets and pack/unpack my stuff and many more, actually). Nonetheless, I have never been a perfect fit to the education system and to the whole merit-based system (as I said before), so I should go (or at least, it’s okay for me to go).

I need to leave. I want to live the life I want to be. Conrad said, "We live as we dream, alone." I need to live what I've been dreaming of, even though it will be a lonely affair where everyone who used to support me now is turning his/her back. I need to be the book that I want to read, the play that I want to watch. I want to be the story that, when people reads it, then they"ll know who I truly am.

Will I end up regretting?

No, I'm determined not to. Life is simple: you make decisions and you don't look back. (the only thing I remembered from watching Tokyo Drift).

I'll miss Singapore food (sliced fish noodle, sea coconut desserts, ice kachang, suki sushi, pasta mania, various congee during my unwell periods, stingray suppers, etc.etc) and the cinemas and the superb stores (and of course the Great Singapore Sale). I'll miss you guys definitely as I have always been throughout my eight months post-a-level holiday.. But we all know what happen to "Forever Friends" and the likes, right? Yeap… so if we're destined to be friends again in the future, somehow we'll probably bump to each other again.. And I have u guys' number.. and MSN.. so even though I probably wont call/talk to you the very next day after I leave, we'll still talk when we want to or when there is a need to. That's the beautiful thing about friendship.. you can freeze it anytime due to distance, time difference, work, etc. but when you meet, you can pick it up right where you left..

Tonight I'll be meeting my parents for the discussion over this thing… this is the second time they fly here just to convince me not to leave Singapore actually.. but this time, I'll come prepared and determined. I'll fight my cause to the very last strand of hope, I'll compromise to my last bottle of strength.. to be what I want to be.

Wish me well!

EDIT:
I did it, people!
1. I talked my father into buying all my reasons. He understood, though confessed that he was terribly "sad" and "disappointed". My mother, on the other hand, held on to her views (I found this unsurprising and was not daunted by this, because... well, let's say I'm just so used to this aspect of her) and would most probably be mad at me the moment I set my foot back at home. Am scared, but.. time would heal the wounds? Sounds cliche, eh? But cliche are cliches for being so ordinarily true.
2. I have withdrawn from the university. (some part of me felt real proud doing that.. eventhough it looked stupid..I mean, this vibrant uni is no.22 in the world and i rejected it?? Like tennis legend John McEnroe said, "YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!!" Haha. Not as if I am going to better uni lah)
3. I will be heading back Indo very soon. That is, the moment my checking-out date from PGP is confirmed by OSA. (So, no, I don't know when I'm going back yet.)

I don't know why, but despite all the grieves that will come with farewells and goodbyes, I feel surprisingly light at the moment (not scale-wise, of course! me + my luggage will definitely reach 100kg over! haha).. happy.. relaxed.. and excited. I am excited to get to indo public uni, to study that sacred course there, and.. probably.. to find any traces of "down-to-earth"-ness yet again (I find myself becoming more and more arrogant for each day I spend in Singapore). Ei, i'm still young (eventho' 20 years old already...), so I still have room for mistakes, for improvement, etc. etc... So are you.. So make sure that you're having fun in whatever field you're doing, ok! Love you all! Or am I just being overoptimistic.. hehhee.

2006-08-09T10:24:00.000-07:00

I forgot to say this: I'm so proud of my sis!

She's in ITB!!!! ITB sia laaa! ITB!!! You know it's damn hard to get in or notttt...
For those who doesn't know (most likely Non-Indons), ITB stands for Institut Teknologi Bandung, which has FOREVER been the top (public) uni in Indo..

And she's doing Architecture, the course she's been dreaming of doing since Sec1, i think.
How envy-ing! :(

2006-08-09T10:04:00.000-07:00

Whoa. Yesterday's entry was emo.. too emo I should say. Which is why I deleted it. Anyways, yup, I am waiting for my Dad to come here to Singapore. As he's then leaving next Monday, most probably I'll be leaving together with him. So so so so so why do I want to leave? Simple lah: no scholarships means I can leave Singapore what. Things will probably be different had I got myself a s'ship (oh yes, but those are only for smart-ass and diligent pple who can withstand pressure extremely well). Getting a scholarship means I free my parents from the tuition fees burden+living allowance. Also, getting a scholarship means you're smart and that you should continue doing your studies here (so recommended that they even give you a scholarship).

Ya la ya la, call me a loser or whatever if you do think it suits me. My GP grade sucks big time, which is the main culprit for me not getting a scholarship. But also, I can't stand the pressure that comes with Singapore education.. you know, all the endless competitions, pleasing sounding "merit-based" policy which actually only means results orientated. "Good results? welcome aboard!; bad results? go pay yourself la!" I am bitter? Well YES! YES! And I have the right to be bitter, don't I?

Bottomline is, if Singapore education doesn't suit me much, doesn't explore my strength enough, doesn't enable me to display what I got, why insist? Why even bother continuing here doing a course that I don't even want to do? True la, I can probably still pull through, you know, probably enjoy the lessons, learn new things, pull not-so-bad grades, find a few very good friends, blah blah. But walao, isn't it equal to faking everything? Putting everything that I'm supposed (read: I want) to do at the back of my head and just face whatever tasks I have now?

If life is short, why don't just we live the life we want RIGHT NOW?

Bleah.. probably I AM a loser after all, for running away from all the pressure here.. but anyway, a (wo)man's gotta do what a (wo)man's gotta do. For me, it is the pursuing of my dreams that I really wanna do right now. Not doing some BUSINESS ADMINISTRATION course in some vibrant university, for goodness’ sake!

2006-07-07T12:57:00.000-07:00

OMG! I've just caught the gentlemen's semi-finals on TV and... it's the DREAM FINAL one more time at a Grand Slam. Yayyy.

Couldn't have been any better: Roger v Rafa, this time on grass instead of on clay.

Furthermore, the semis were something to watch, too...

Roger Federer v Jonas Bjorkman: 6 2, 6 0, 6 2
Well. It was soooo one-sided that one can almost hear the crowd was crying out for some action. A semi is a semi no matter one-sided it was, though. Many good shots, thousands of winners by Roger and many actions around the net by Bjorkman. Nevertheless, the match was a clear display of how genius Roger is. Roger was playing on a different level compared to Bjorkman.

Rafael Nadal v Marcos Baghdatis: 6 1, 7 5, 6 3
Hmm, the scores above actually don't quite reflect what really happened on court. It was a nicer match to watch than the other semi, bcoz it is the two players are much less one-sided. At some points, Rafa was threatened by breakpoints by Baghdatis, though sadly Bagh couldn't get it done properly. This match shows that Rafa is really a strong player: physically yes (just look at all those muscles..), but more importantly: mentally.

I'm glad Rafa's in the finals, tho'. The underrated No. 2 Seed! People thought he's a clay man. Who would have known that he, instead of Hewitt/Roddick will be in the finals (I mean, Roger's place in the final was set right from the start of the championships...). Now the head-to-head trend is 6-1 for Rafa, high-time for Roger to reverse the trend, but, yeah, once again, that mental power that Rafa has is going to be the wall to overcome.

Whoever wins, I'd be happy anyway. Two of my favourite players. One becoz of his personality and another because of his motivation.

On the ladies' side, I'd rather Mauresmo win, but I think Henin-Hardenne is much stronger yeah?

Erm.. now I'm deep in thought on how to watch tennis matches while I am in Singapore. Suggestions, people? Coz I'm addicted to this stuff!

Btw, I bought a new laptop! :D
Wide-screen, duo processor, crystalbrite. Nice! And quite cheap, too...

2006-06-16T13:13:00.000-07:00

Just have to announce this to the world:
My sis is accepted in the Faculty of DENTISTRY Unair!!!!

And she actually is stubborn enought to put that faculty on her reserves list. She's still all eyes onArchi-ITB.

Anyway, Rogi advances to the semis of Gerry Weber. Didn't watch it coz... well, they didn't air it here. Go Rogi.. go win the tournament.. go beatBjorn Borg's 41-unbeaten streak on grass, go win that Wimbledon again.. Been such a long time since the last time I watched him play!

At ATP Stella Artois, on the other hand, watched Nadal for the first time on grass (he failed to advance to semis after beaten by Hewitt). I must admit it was very refreshing watching Nadal, because the way he plays was like a kid playing pro tennis: expressive, agressive, and only the word "win" in his dictionary. That's what I felt, at least..

Sigh.. I wonder when will I be able to watch them play against one another in person?? No, actually, watching either one playing is a privilege already.. Must save money, but there's none to save to begin with. Ck.

2006-06-11T10:27:00.000-07:00

Many weeks have passed since the last time I blogged.. what a blogger.. However, we all believe that everyone deserves one more chance to be a better blogger, yes?

For those who are lazy to read this long, long entry, here's a quick summary:
1. Went to Bandung for a week: lovely campus, shopping paradise.
2. Suddenly accepted offer from NUS instead of NTU, mainly coz the bucks that come with NUS's offer at the very last minute.
3. Me not getting scholarship is probably a blessing in disguise... just trust 4JJ..

On ITB/Institut Teknologi Bandung (Bandung Institute of Technology)...
Wah. I remembered saying that UGM in Yogya has the best campus I've ever seen... well, that was before I saw this one. Biggest than any Indo campus I've visited, it displays excellency in the design of the buildings, the parks, the gate, the boulevard, the auditorium, the mosque as well as easy, well-planned access route to each parts of the campus. The buildings were more Dutch than Indonesian, and it definitely didn't feel like I was in Bandung.
(If you are wondering what I was doing visiting all sorts of universities in Indo, it wasn't because I was intending to see which unis suited me. Rather, all tributes should go to my sis who was, is, and is going to persistently sitting for the entrance tests of top universities all over Surabaya, Yogya and Bandung)
Anyway, ITB definitely deserves to be titled the best government-funded university in this country!

On factory outlets in Bandung...
The Dutch used to refer to Bandung as Parijs van Java or The Paris of Java. Well, I think once one gets to see Bandung people, there is absolutely no asking whether the city deserves the title. Gorgeous people with gorgeous clothes, all thanks to the vast number of factory outlets (FOs) throughout the city. FOs sell damn nice clothes at a very low cost. Problem is: you gotta take time to choose your pieces, otherwise you might end up with a tiny hole on your shirt, or wrongly-tailored arms, etc. Good pieces are abundant, but they are mixed with the lousy, low-quality ones, so one has to watch out. Accessories, shoes, bags are sold at low prices, too. Shopped till my feet and fingers got sore due to too much walking and carrying shopping bags, but happy to get some jackets, shirts, a pair of pumps, shades, and a belt. Not to forget the blouses and shoes for my sis who went home earlier to catch her next entrance test at Universitas Airlangga.

On my own uni application...
From around mid-April, I have sort of made up my mind to do my degree at NTU, due to the following considerations:
1. 3-years direct honours degree
2. Since my GP grade was so so shitty, NTU's policy that enable me not to take QET is definitely to my favour.
3. Jack is there, so we can be roommates (again!)
4. 3-year course is cheaper, d'oh...
5. NTU's course on "accountancy" has been around for years, as compared to NUS's brand-new "business administration (with accounting)"..
6. Anyway, have always been more inclined to NTU for unknown reasons
So, sometime in early May, I logged on to the Joint Acceptance page and chose NTU-Accountancy.
However, fate (and thus 4JJ) had different plans for me. On 4th June, a day before the Joint Acceptance was closed, I got an email from NUS, saying that they have agreed to loan me $$$$ for living allowance. And so that does it. Offer of money has made me switch my choice to NUS bizad, accepted the loan offer, as well as applied for halls within an hour after I read uthe email (see what money can do to you...)
First choice hall was Kent Ridge, mainly due to its proximity to NUS Biz School.
Second choice was Sheares, due to same reason.
Third was Temasek, due to same reason.
That just proves that I am (still) lazy to walk.
One might ask, don't I care about the buildings? Well, yeah, I do, but after staying at the, erm, 'old and a bit dilapidated' CJC Hostel for two years, nothing could be worse, I think. So anywhere shouldn't matter that much..
There are lots of 'problems' in choosing NUS, such as taking QET (I DREAD IT!!!).
BUT. The biggest problem remains: I'd be very very very heavily in debt the moment I graduate... Gosh, it's like facing the working world with the thought "I have to repay my loan and work my ass off-I have to repay my loan and work my ass off-I have to repay my loan and work my ass off" instead of "Horray school is over and now I'm working and get paid and can help mom and dad and can shoppp". That's the difference between getting a scholarship and not. So, people privileged to obtain those scholarships, please please treasure what you have.

On not getting scholarships...
Honestly speaking, I didn't expect it to hit me this hard. I mean, once my results slip was in my hand, I knew that 99% of the time I won't make it. Clinging to the very last strand of hope of miracles, I applied for scholarships nevertheless. It's not as if I didn't know that most probably I won't get one: I was actually prepared. But then, when it came, it felt so different, it was like the whole world crashed onto you. Like everything out there waiting is pitch-dark. What came next was the uncertainty and the fear of making decisions: NUS? NTU? NUS? NTU? Which one is right? But isn't it expensive? Where do I get the money from? Simultaneously, guilt overcame you: shit, now how do I tell Mom and Dad about this? How to tell and not make them feel burdened by the cost? Why didn't I study harder?
Hmm.. that said, though, getting over the whole thing was a healing process that probably has brought me one step higher up at the endless ladder of my emotional development.
In short, quote enquote Federer after the rainy intermezzo at the 4th round of 2004 US Open against Agassi, "I have learnt to be even more patient." In my case, it was patience towards the situation I was in, and in accepting it the way it is.

On the days yet to come...
Nobody knows for sure what will happen next. I just hope I'll survive. We all do.

And guys, many months have passed since the last time we met... I really miss you all!

2006-04-20T07:33:00.000-07:00

XIE XIE NI, PAT!!!!
YOU'RE THE BEST!

2006-04-20T07:25:00.000-07:00

Yogya is ok.. What strikes the most is the vastness of Universitas Gadjah Mada (UGM). So green, homely and Indonesian. Unlike the concretes in NUS or NTU. Can't say much good things about the quality of the uni, tho..

No more going to Singapore this April..
Coz..
YAY! I found a job in Indo! Some filing and terima-telpon job with low salary, but happy enough to get it coz that means I am staying till later.. hehe..

Very lazy to update these days.. So.. till better mood gets the better of me..

2006-04-04T16:47:00.000-07:00

Going to Yogya this Friday!! Sis is going to sit for some university's entrance test this sunday in that particular city, while the rest of the family get to have a 4-day holiday there :) :) So what's Yogya like? Tell u guys when I get back here... The last time I went there, bout 6 years ago, I enjoyed it as much as Bali.

Jaq found out that the room (the $450-per-month room) was many many times worse than CJC hostel's room :( And btw, CJC rooms are worse than Dunman hostel's rooms. So, off she went to search for a better room. Room room room.Wish her luck and more luck.

My bro finally let me play Need for Speed: Most Wanted... Woahahhaha.. Apparently he is over my traumatic performance at Grand Turismo already. It went okay... I decided I like it. It's one of those racing games that involves illegal racing and evading police's chase. O n Paris Hilton's car, Mercedez SLR McLaren, is featured in that game! Nevermind not liking Miss Hilton... but ppl u gotta like her car! If I am not lazy enuff photoblogging, I'd have displayed its pic here.. but I am feeling (quote enquote Erlin) "sherly-ly lazy".. hee.

Btw btw! First time in dunno-how-many-years, my family celebrated my birthday! LOL. Eventho' it was eleven days late (together with my dad), it was so nice... cakes and the good ol' home-made yellow rice. Mom said when she bought the cake, she made the sales girl confused coz she bought 5 candles of the shape number 0, 1, 2, 5, 7. (20 is my age, 50 is my dad's and 71 is my grandma's)

There is somebody who is, like, so bad to you. She always mouthed all the bad stuff to you since you start knowing her, which is about twenty years ago. Not a single good thing. She's part of the cause of your childhood unhappiness. Thenn. One day, she fell sick, she became very ill. Half of her was paralysed. She is still as bad as usual, probably even worse as now she wants all her wishes to be granted. However, when she finally came to see you after months, though, she held your hand and realized what a big girl you are now. When she asked which grade are you at now, and you said you were going to university soon, she teared. She cried, not for a single second letting go of your hand. Probably she realized that she won't live much longer now that you're that big. At that moment, will all your hatred towards her dissolve? Will your heart cry?

I did, not knowing I could ever, ever, cry for her.
(I don't think she'd ever imagining crying for me, either)

2006-03-31T00:03:00.000-08:00

I am so pissed!
Bloody uncles and aunties who are never too greedy and too rude when it comes to money. It's not even my money, yet I am so pissed already. Grrrr.
Always thought that family tie is a very strong bond... Well now I know that money could easily overpower all those.

Anyway, Jack found a place in Clementi. And (I think) it's very cheapppp... A fully-furnished room for two with a bathroom attached to it. Free electricity and free phone. All goes for $450 per month. Unless she found a better place, we'd very likely live there.

Oh and yesterday I went to Gramedia with Mom. I bought a lot of Agatha Christie, all feature Poirot. I realize I looooveeee detective stories. Recently what I do is only reading and re-reading Poirot, Sherlock, Conan and Keaton. After that, the whole family went to Hanamasa. This is supposedly a well-established Japanese restaurant here for quite sometime already, but this visit were our maiden. Turns out that, it's so not Japanese at all (except for the doorgirl who war kimono). It's more like Seoul Garden. Taste OK, price OK, atmosphere OK.

Okay.. til next time!

2006-03-16T20:45:00.000-08:00

back in surabaya!

8 day of shopping didn't feel taxing when i was doing it, but when i got home n had my post-flight nap.. i felt most lazy to get up coz my whole body ached and was painful and was tired! i turned 20 and realized i was old. sigh.

anyway ppl.. finally after 4 years.. i know that singapore is a cheap place to shop for branded stuff. at least compared to surabaya. bought a pair of charles&keith nice nice nice ethnic slippers for 1/3 of its price here. my mom was so happy to find this out that she bought 2 pair of sandals, 2 wallets, 1 party bag.... and the list goes on.

what a long time for the realization to hit me. rugi besar...

anw. bangkok was ok. it's about as dirty and shanty as indo... prolly a bit worse than jakarta and a bit better than surabaya. havent been to medan so dunno compared to it... eh but ppl told me medan is the singapore of indonesia. is it true, is it true? went to some nice temples that made me experience the same feeling of amazement when i visited borobudur temple many years ago: how could people of hundreds of years ago built this kind of majestic buildings without the help of technology? must have been a king with thousands of slaves' sweat and blood. sher n elvina should go here to pray one day.

i, on the other hand, has never been a fond observer of temples.. i was more intrigued by other aspects of bangkok, such as the seafood. me n mom n uncle were looking for a good dinner, and the hotel bellboy who didn't really know how to speak english couldn't give us good directions, so three of us just stepped out of the hotel. it was 7.30pm, and we were "greeted" by the vast, vast amount of kakilima sellers, and they all offered seafood. soon the temptation got the better of us, n we found ourselves sat together with a lot of angmohs choosing crabs, lobsters, and squids. yummy yummy! gastromaniacs have to look out for this when they go bangkok! (it's located at the chinatown area).

another amazing thing was the gems jewellery, co.ltd. wahhh.. jewels here and there. diamonds, sapphires, rubys, jades, aquamarines, onyxes... blah blah. all gems can be found there. u can even order ur self-designed jewellery for the pengrajin to make. cool. cool. n of course while my mom landed her eyes on the more adult-kind (read: expensive) jewellery, i managed to get a nice pearly necklace and black-stoned necklace, all very cheap!! sheweay will be happy to shop here, too :)

went to KL for 1 day as well... it was on LH's birthday (so EH told me.. haha), and they all went reverse-bungeeing near KL Tower. so fun for what. EH sorry couldnt join y'all.. mom n uncle don't speak english, so had to look out for them.. had my share of fun shopping at times square, though. we were lucky: there were so many SALE signs everywhere in times square! bought so many things that we had to buy an extra, extra, extra large trolley bag from debenhams just to have a place to put all those things. and we travelled back to singapore by bus! imagine how troublesome it was..

aiya. didn't go for pat's treat (9th) and sher's "reunion" (5th). didn't meet up wif fung, er, asih, jaq, xiaobian, el, sherwinnie, mel.. and so many more.. did meet jazz for a while to do my uni app, tho.. problems of being away from "home away from home" aye? but i'll be back :D haha

anw. in bangkok, i heard a story about God. other people's God. or is it the same God? nonetheless, the story is captivating. God is good, God is great :) whichever it is.

2006-03-05T10:04:00.000-08:00

i wish i have my mother by my side all the time. she's such a tower of strength. talking to her is like an endless shower of sunshine, guiding me through the darkness :)
i love mom!

anyways...
i think it's time for me to finally accept, one more time, what (or who?) i've been denying all along. not only because of the positivity that could be resulted, but also because of the feeling of being safe and sound when i set my life revolving around it.
i hope i could do it more successfully this time than i was last time.

have put my thoughts on what courses to take up, and i think my decision is final. something that will put my strengths for good use, something that will exercise a lil bit of risk-taking in me (i swear i have zero) and something that, if i manage to get through it with passion and zeast, will open ways to head on to (up to now) the biggest project of my life: to teach..

prolly the path i choose won't allow me to teach right away, prolly later; much much later. but it is the most sound path for everyone right now... and i hope i'll be guided..

this is a sentimental day, apparently :D

ok anyways, i bought a pair of wedges today, light brown colour. cute. big bow on the front.
and my parents almost bought me some too-expensive watch. lucky i have enough sense to reject it... it was really much too ex la.. some more, i always lose/break things unintentionally (d'oh..), so it'll really be a disappointing end if i end up losing that watch or whatnots...

btw
SHER HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

As, probably

2006-03-04T10:31:00.000-08:00

yi ge pengyou gaosu wo...
i got triple As!
ok... not so good...
but not so bad, either aye?
exceeds own's expectations
i really thought it would be AABB
coz chem and fm were gone
dunno what are the As
and what is the not A
and what is GP
and what are S-papers
so basically still dunno hor

anyway
congratulations
to those who've met their expectations
and those who've exceeded theirs
we all have our own goals
so general standards shouldn't really matter ya

still,
for the exceptionals
like some who score straight As
or some other who scores 5As for the first time
or some other who get 7As
or maybe those who get 6As
and those who perhaps make it from F to A
well u all are big winners! :D
hen duo congratulations!!

2006-03-01T21:31:00.000-08:00

The rules/procedures are as follows: The first player of this game starts with the topic "five weird habits of yourself," and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Don't forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says "You are tagged" (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours.

1. I remember people's marks very clearly up to a certain length of time, dunno y! That includes the ones that I accidentally heard being spoken to other ppl. So, beware pple... hee...

2. At home I kiss my v.v.v.v.v small brother's cheeks about fifty times a day.. Gosh he's so cute! Sometimes I pay (bribe?) him with a few teaspoons of coffee... haha.. He likes coffee ba. Erlin dun be jealous.

3. I speak with my sister in a very strange, very old, and very coarse voice almost all the times. She did that to me, too. If u want to hear I'll show u next time. My wish is to extend this habit to anyone willing to speak in the same voice...

4. Whatelse whatelse? How about: I always don't know how to answer questions (any kind) for sure... whatever I say is my best bet, or best approximate, or something like that. I think this is a result of lack in confidence [sighs]

5. Hmm.. is this one allowed? I love stoning even when I got things to do. And Fungus hates me doing this :D I'm just so not weird la... lol.

Hmm... OK! Now I'm tagging:
1. Erlin (plz tag them... haha)
2. Jazz
3. Yessica
4. Winnie
5. Wanxin

2006-02-27T10:59:00.000-08:00

so the official date is 1st of march.. poor timo...

i watched troy again. i realize i still don't like this movie! except that now i know why the "urat" in our leg is called "urat Achilles"... (what's "urat" in English??)
au contraire, i've been watching the last samurai several times. how could i miss this movie when it was in the theatres ya? my brother accompanies me faithfully everytime i watch (erm, he's a war addict btw).
o ya, my bros influence me to watch some cartoon titled the adventure of jimmy neutron... abt sum whiz kid with IQ of 2183 or sumthin.. damn funny la..

i'm tutoring two kids soon... one is senior high, another is junior high. and my pay... no no i won't convert it to SGD, it's too embarassing. ten thousand rupiahs per hour. nevermind... it's all bcoz my sister argued that even her tutors, who are holders of bachelor degrees already, only get thirty thousand rupiahs per hour, so my price should be low, low, lower than that.

neverminddddd... i just wanna teachhhh... don't really care about how much i will get..

i'm down with ganmao since yesterday. poor me. ganmao is the one of the worst anyone can get, coz it isn't painful, it's just plain irritating...

word of exit: this entry, i think, is just my way of showing a bitttt of responsibility over the taking care of my blog... so forgive the small but a lot of crappy things..

2006-02-11T11:29:00.000-08:00

Little brothers are little brothers, no matter how old they are.
Boxing is a common view in my house these days, both on-TV and off-TV.. what's with guys and fighting ya?

Chinese midterm test's coming! :( The words are getting harder, in every aspect of it. Still dunno how to pronounce properly la.... maybe will never know how to unless i got someone to practice with me everyday. Hmm. I think elvina can. But it's impossible coz I dunno how to reach her walaoooo.

Mom is getting quite agitated these days.. easily provoked by small stuff (like a pillow that is slightly off-angle or a PC that suddenly shuts down).. even plan to quit her job coz she thinks pple in her office are discriminating against women.. hmm.. but i see a new watch on her wrist.. so i dunno what is her actual mood really. But hey she's accompanying me to Sing to collect results! Nice Mom. Of course she also wants to shop... haha.

Meanwhile, this is still five months away from SPMB (some kind of National Universities Entrance Test), and my sister is already very worked up on what to choose to study and where... While this is better than being nonchalant, I think she spends more time worrying than actually getting down to real work... and, as a result, starting everybody (except the two too-young-to-worry brothers) to get a bit jittery abt this as well...

Shoot Im not sleepy but I think I'd better try to sleep now... it's 2.48AM, and tmr at 6.30AM i still have to drive my bro for his cca...

PS. I know how to sing Chi happy birthday already! Zhu ni shengri kuaile4x!

2006-02-01T07:25:00.000-08:00

Finally managed to inject a lil more fun to my otherwise sooo-boooriiinnggg holiday, thanks to my brothers who were persuasive enough to convince my parents to visit Wisata Bahari Lamongan (WBL). This one is a water-based, newly-opened theme park located in Lamongan, a small town some 70km from my city.

I had a lot of first-times :)

First time entering a ghost house. (i know it's pathetic.. haha)
Disappointments! The ghost house was named "Rumah Sakit Hantu" or Ghost Hospital, but all they had to offer was bloody dolls which act as wounded patients, doctors, and corpses... so not-scary. We all screamed for fun...

First time felt fun and pain and the same time.
There is this thing modelled after the deck of a ship. Every "passengers" sit there and supposedly feels the sensation of how cruising on a terribly broken down ship is like. So I board on it... and for a full length of three minutes, I was shaken up, down, left, right, back, fro... everyone is jumping up and down from their seats... results? good laughter and butt pain!

First time seeing that time actually stops at some places.
Passed by some villages on my way to WBL.
Picture where we all live. Hmm.. let's say, Singapore..
Population 4 million. High-rise buildings. Buses to ride to school. Malls to visit on weekends. Movies. Sushi. Pasta. Flashy cars. Pubs. Computer on our desk. Aircons in our rooms. Showers, even bathtubs. Remember our hostel? On the front, there is a carpark, also security guard's office. In a few years there'll be a condominium right in front. Last year there was still that scary, ran-down, greyish building in front. To the back, there is the noisiness of a secondary school, its CCAs that always disturb our peace on weekends, that always force us to go mug at McDonald's or Starbucks... All the buzz of a city.
Now picture a village consist of about 300 people. Homes made from woodsheets. Unnumbered. Large empty space in front of their houses, where they all dry their rice grains. People ride bicycle to go to their fields, or to the neighbouring village. No television. Men wear sarong, women wear batik. People talking in front of their homes with their neighbours. People sell vegetables and meats door-to-door every morning.
It's like developments, globalization, or any other big word that apply in the city never reach here! Nice to witness :)

Hooked on to the TV for the past two weeks thanks for Australian Open, The Grand Slam of Asia Pacific (or so they say). Tennis is a good thing to watch!
Roger Federer is a genius. I like the way he moves in the court, it's so efficient, cool and no-effort, yet he could punch in shots that could be deadly to the opponents. Two (out of seven in the tournament) of his opponents actually threw some degree of anger to the court when facing him.l.. frustration, I suppose?
Furthermore, there's just somethin clean and symmetrically handsome about his face! Like it! Im a new Federer fan.
(My mom and my sis are Baghdatis's fans).
In Women's section, salute for Martina Hingis who made a blazin comeback from her three-year injury absent by reaching the quarters. She's truly a Queen.

I'm addicted to simulation games... Been playin The Sims and its expansion packs and all The Tycoon series.. anyone know any other interestin simulation games? Coz I'm dying to know!!

Last but not least, in chronological order:
Happy Belated 19th Birthday for Dear Roommate! I miss you...
Happy Chinese New Year! I actually miss CNY in Singapore with all its redness and mandarin oranges..
Happy Islamic New Year!
Happy working for everyone working... ker-chinggg...

2006-01-13T09:07:00.000-08:00

ok, changed my skin but apparently it sucks (i've just viewed it).
so, pple, another major change on the way, kie..

and taggieboardie isn't up yet due to "technical errors" or so they say. prolly it's just my lousy dial-up connection anyway. heard there's this "speedy" thing by the nat'l phone company, it's broadband and the speed is like 10x faster than my current dial-up. hmm. will try to get my parents to register for it.

i guess my agony in deciding university is gone by now. it's singapore i'm heading. like it or not, i agree that it's the best for me under normal circumstances.

been having dreams about A-level results, and none of the dreams have been good. ouch...

parents installed cable tv at the very end of the year, and my days have been spent in front of that particular box since then. the movies channels are my favourite channels, of course.. endless runs of infinite titles.. definitely lovin' it!

chinese is getting better. start to get the hang of it (sentence structure, etc.), but today laoshi increased her speech pace and i was like, "what was that?? slow down!". she was actually talkin in normal speed. it's just that my ears aren't accustomed to it. looks like we actually have been talkin like snails since day1. hmmm.

the sims is good! thanks to my brothers :)

found a very nice burnt corn (or grilled corn) somewhere about 5 minute-drive from my house during one night out with my sis. it costs only Rp 1,500 (that is, about 25 singapore cents or 50 ringgit cents) per corn. three choices of flavour. is our favourite snack currently.

oh yea, and i got myself a new pair of specs since the red rimless once-broken-forever-bent one is now broken into two for good. a half-frame, black. and guess what: my degree has improved! wow! amazingo.

verenza's good, too... my dad was given this crash project by some army general here to build a restaurant-cum-karaoke within one and a half months (he's an architect and interior-designer). since mom and dad took this dead-seriously, i couldn't help but peeping at the building site once in a while. i like what i see! =D dad's a genius. this was his first modern design, and i couldn't believe that he could do it coz i always thought that only younger architects design modern.. his style has always been classic-mediterranian anyway.. just didn't expect it.

wondering now whether an architecture course will suit me.

indo school's end-of-semester holiday's coming.. sensing a holiday plan.. dunno yet.. just wait and see..

read the rule of four.. supposedly a more complicated version of da vinci's code. hmm. okay. not bad. love the way the authors portray friendship. nothing else stands out.
read life of pi. unbeliavable, literally.
read the five people you meet in heaven. good stuff! reinforces the idea that everything has a purpose, every life has a reason -- a desperate, romantic belief that i've been clingin to :p and i watched the movie! lol. the day after i finished reading the book, i was surfing the cables for nice movies and stumbled upon the movie version of the book! the movie's ok. my imagination from readin the book can do better... heehee
read some of agatha christie's books that my sis bought while i wasn't home, too.. only liked the abc murders.

allrighty.. btw anyone who knows elvina's contact here, please inform me... i lost her contact numbers..

2005-12-12T01:10:00.000-08:00

Happenings since the last time I blogged:
I like playgrounds! =D esp. d one near YenYah's house. I never see a playground with that much swings before. I like YenYah's house, too, supercozy. O ya, n YenYah really looks like Mrs.Tan.
Danga Bay's playground isn't that bad, too... I only wish visiting it when the day is cooler.. scorchin hot son never does it for me.

5th December 2005 was the day when everybody else was busy dolling herself/himself up while I went around playing with their dresses, hair, contact lenses, shoes, knots, et cetera AND watching Asih's Desperate Housewives. Who asked me not to go for Grad?? At a discounted price, some more! Nvm...

7th December was teary and heartwarming at the airport.

Landed at Indo. The whole world here was (and is) busy. Dad and Mom are busy doing some crash project, sis busy preparin for exam, friends' caught up with exams. The only thing few things that keep me going are: playing with my brothers, Diah's bday party and my Mandarin lessons..

But Christmas and New Year are coming! Yay. Tho' im not celebrating Christmas, the holiday mood is settling in soon, so I am expecting some fun ahead.. if not this holiday is so dead..

OYA, Mum-Dad didn't let me go sign up for USA's universities after all. So I think my application envelopes will remain at home, unsent, and my personal statements files remain in my comp, unprinted. And they're against me doing Math in university... Hmm.. am considering their opinion to study Accounting at NUS, but wondering (can't help it) whether instead of fully compromising, i can do double degree instead.. u'noe, Accounting and Math, satisfy both myself and them. Dunno. But i guess their smiles r still de most precious thing for me (WAHAHAHHA! this doesn't sound like me, aye?), coz without em I ain't gonnabe where I am now (not tt where I am is very high or what)... so compromize, compromize, I'm still tryin to compromize.. Still figurin out.. still explorin myself..

And if all else fails (meaning: i dun get scholarship to study at NUS nor i manage to get any loans to study there), they've agreed to let me study in Indo (tho' it'll be sad). So Indo is a Plan C for me, (A=scholarship, B=loan), and if this is de one, I'd choose to study Medicine in Indo.. Yup.. I might sign up for crash course for high school syllabus next Jan, as soon as I get the required infos.

Future. Crossroads. Always hate it when it happen, always hate it when I have to choose and decide. But they're all parts of growin up..

2005-12-05T19:51:00.000-08:00

November 24, 2005
Suffice to say that Mel rocks... Mel rocks... Spent the whole day with her in Bugis, havin dinner and shopping and it was pure therapeutic for two people about to be freed from the burden of A-levels. She's going home on 29th...

November 25, 2005
Sat for physics s in the morning. Was comparatively easier than prelims. Still managed to lose quite a lot of marks, though; but some 07/04 guy who sat next to me was like tying his script 30mins before the exam ended. After that he re-calculated the calculation parts of the exam.. 15 mins before the exam ended, he raised his hand asking permission to go toilet. Terribly distracting to me, who was still frantically scribbling my answer.
Went for a nice lunch at the seafood restaurant next to Comics Connection in Plaza Sing (didn't remember its name). They serve food as good as Fish&Co.'s, but in less portion and in cheaper price. Yum. No complains except for the Season's Ice Lemon Tea served instead of kitchen-brewed lemon tea.. Walked around Plaza Sing, got some very nice Bleach posters. My Ichigo, I so missed him.. Haven't seen him for weeks!
Went home, met Angeline on the way, and had our longest conversation ever.. Haha.. glad that I got the chance to get to know her a lil better better before I had to depart. She's one funny girl who is easily tickled by not-so-funny stuff.. Hmm..
Packed. Departed to (supposedly) Golden Mile, but I ended up at Queen Street. Tried to find my way to GM, but could not. Called CJC-Hostelians, but they couldn't locate me as well... Last resort taken 10 minutes before my bus departed: got a cab! Asked him to drive me to GM, and get this: the driver didn't charge me a single cent! Don't ask me why.
Right on the bus... with old friends whose lives for the past two years I had yet to discover. Excitement filled me in.. Ten hours' ride. Destination: Penang.

November 26, 2005
Penang is so much fun! Yessica woke me up when we crossed The Penang Bridge which connects the mainland and Penang, when she said she got a deja-vu seeing the bridge as we crossed it. Later on, it occured to us, that the design of the bridge is exactly the same as that found in one question on Dynamics that we did in Physics TYS.. Hehe.
Had dim-sum opposite MGS as my breakfast! Yum yum. Yi Juin's parents gave us a treat.. It was the first dim-sum of my life and it tasted soooo goood! Never tasted such a nice fishball before.. Instead of the standard whitish-yellowish that we usually find in Singapore, the fishball here is grey-coloured.. I was told by Mom before (dunno true or not) that it meant they used much more meat (in this case, fish meat) when making the balls instead of flour. Yums! Then there were the eggtarts which everybody else in the table liked a lot but I didn't, because I thought Dunman Hostel's eggtart was nicer.. heehee.
Took train up the Penang Hill. The view from the top was, needless to be said, breathtakingly beautiful. And of course there was the fun SQUEEEZEEE!!! inside the train.. more so for the couple, YJ-TZ, I suppose =)
Went to Lek Kok Si Temple, which, erm, I didn't particularly enjoy except for the magnificent Kwan Im statue and the tripartite pagoda.. (ehh.. apparently I do like good architecture yea?).
Checked into Sunway Hotel. Had some rest, then explored the city with Yessica while the rest still lazed around in the room.. mostly sleeping and playing bridge. Actually I dragged Yessica out 'coz I needed to find moneychanger heehee..
At night, the feast begun, and that was when I realized that Penang food is really really gooooddd! Asam laksa, fried hor fun, stingray, satay, nasi kandar, you name it. Been there, eaten that! Oh but didn't eat the famous CKT, coz.. it was fried with pork oil.. Hahaz.. Went to Berangin after dinner. Didn't find anything special except for a scarf that I have longed to have for quite sometime.. at much better price, of course!

November 27, 2005
Ipoh. Nothing to do except shopping in Jusco where I still couldn't find a single thing. Bo-ring.
Luckily taoge chicken that we had for dinner saved my day! It was soooo yummmyyyyyyy we couldn't resist eating another plate of taoge. Best. Taoge. In. The. World.

November 28-29, 2005
Kuala Lumpur!
Been looking forward to this one city coz there's this longing for shopping that has been building up for quite sometime! Checked into Grand Plaza ParkRoyal, (*****!) which yay-ly is located at the heart of the city. Once in the room, put our stuff, then off we went shoppin! Sungei Wang, KLCC, Lot 10, and Times Square. Been there, shopped that. Hahazzz... Yay. But I didn't finish exploring Debenham, the higher-class department store which is London's signature. Ohwell. There's always next time, aye? The group felt like having a nice dinner, so we went to Chili's at KLCC, only to most of our disappointment. The food served is so-so tasting and it came in very big portion. I would have preferred hawker food at Jalan Alor.. Oh but the service was superb. No wonder Singapore felt the need to buck up its service sector.
Saw ET's bikini! It's so nice!
Had the nicest bath I ever had for years. It was like 1230AM already and everybody next door was sleeping. Yessica, WX, YR, ET and TL were playing cards in the room when I decided to shower. Entered the bathroom. Normal-looking.. like that you expect to find in a five-star hotel. Washed, and thennn.. turned on the tap to fill the bath, put in the bath gel, and while waited for the bath to be filled up, I explored the bathroom. And guess what??? I found A SPEAKER! A speaker that is connected to the television in my room! So I turned on that speaker, and it so happened that they were playing songs, good old songs... hahahha.. So I soaked myself in the bath, just lie still and the music was filling in the room! One word: SHIOKKK! Very relaxing.. Finished bathing at almost 2AM and ended up sleeping till 10AM. Haha. Look at what relaxation can do.
Asked TL which state was he from and he said he was from Kuching. Then I asked which school was he from, he said it was St. Joseph's... he was Jon Lee's primary school friend! Hoahahahhaa. No wonder both of them act things the same way and are both very very tall.
The group separated then. Yessica, WX, YR and I went back to Singapore while ET, YJ, TZ, NZ and TL went Malacca, to NZ's house and (I heard) to climb some hill. Hahaz...

Needless to be said, I was knocked out the moment I reached Singapore.

2005-11-23T12:43:00.000-08:00

wheeeeeee! down to the last paper of the year: 9246/00 whoooohoooooo!!!

so happyyy. been out for a few times the past few days.. watched harry potter and the goblet of fire after fm paper 1.. went for pasta mania dinner after fm paper 2.. slept throughout the whole afternoon thanks to the cozy weather after 9233/00, then went for a marche dinner.. doing all these things after (almost) four weeks of continuous studying was, needless to be said, deeply satisfying.. yay!

got the notice that i'll be flying back on december 7th. with elv and timo. yayyy. no more lonely flights.

will be going to penang on the evening of nov 25th, after 9246/00.. i can't waittt! penang will be the first stop.. followed by ipoh, kuala lumpur and melaka respectively.. yay.. will be back on the evening of nov 30th..

and there is always the jb outing with the gals here.. december 3 and 4.. perhaps renting a chalet or a hotel room.. and yi zhen's gonna treat us some redbox session.. yippie!

with so much fun to anticipate, i can't help but slack around these days.. haha no mood to study for the final paper.. nevermind.. i shall find the mood very soon..

2005-11-22T11:45:00.000-08:00

harry potter and the goblet of fire

cedric is handsome
cedric is handsome
cedric is handsome
that fact alone should convince anyone to watch de movie!
plus the magnificent setting and the eerie feeling that the movie creates!! whoooooo. i think the movie grows as harry grows..
it is definitely worth watching..
sorry for lack of better review.. brain drain after maths s paper, i guess...

2005-11-18T17:30:00.000-08:00

f.maths paper 1, as they put it.

"how was the paper? so easy, right? waste my time only." - paul
"walao. fucking easy." - kenneth
"i lost two marks already" - wai lee
"jia lat lah. i lost four." - kenneth
"whoa. like that, it's very DIFFICULT not to get A." - paul (yeap, with emphasis on the word 'difficult', almost sound like an irony..)

anyways, yeah.. those are the comments of the smartest three in my class.. might seem as if they were boasting to some, but i do think those are fair comments.. i think the paper was okay.. of course those smarties will think it's easy to the point of disgusting, right? wahahaha..

i mean, it was supposed to be a further mathematics paper, but my pace was exactly the same as my pace for maths c paper! i had about half an hour to check my answer. hello, it's f.maths, the killer subject.. it's not supposed to be like that. now we're all suspecting the A can go as high as eighty something --> means it's still quite impossible to get A.

by the way, the 04/04 guy who sat next to me for the f.maths exam was very very annoying! he kept looking over my table to see which question i'm at now.. and he did this every, like ten minutes??? so distracting for what.

now i can't wait to see how paper 2 is like. bye! off to studying.

for peeps who have finished their exams: go rejoice!
for peeps who have not: erm.. you know what to do lah..

2005-11-14T23:43:00.000-08:00

rafe's "perfect day" was the number 1 most requested song in s'pore yesterday! wheeeee!

2005-11-11T21:18:00.000-08:00

okayyy.. i counted. i've got fourteen papers overall.. and i'm done with five :D
i can see my A is gone for chem, though! screwed paper 3 ba..
nevermind laaa..
nine more to go before i'm off to malaysia! yay. for now, i shall studyyy! went online to check out on a friend's blog.. got sum sad story there..
kie lah bb!
btw im happy coz rafe's been in top10 climax for de past few nights. yay.

2005-11-06T11:33:00.000-08:00

everything rocks about her
and her stories of a simple world
everything's great
and i can't still believe that she's my girl
i'm her king, she's my queen tonight
[everything - rafe]

RAFE! hahha.. concluded that it's a nice band after catching their gig at esplanade outdoor theatre on friday night, november 4th. visited their website as well as electrico's, and somehow i have this opinion that rafe is very down to earth ya.. electrico has sum kind of proud air around em..

anyway. robin fatu'olo wa'u is very cute! hahaha.. been losin sleep coz his face constantly appeared when i closed my eyes.. whoaahahhaa.. he's rafe's guitarist, he's friendly and he's from kenya.. yay. another eyecandy.. took photo with the band after the esplanade gig.. hihihi.. so happy..

listened to their album (thanks EH for lending me de album and FS for lending me discman.. heehee..), i think they're great.. i mean, of course i can't compare them (at least not yet) to world-class bands like GC or green day or LP, but for local standard, i think they're great. bring them to indo, i think they can be compared to PADI! i liked all the tracks.. just by listening to it twice.. it's quite rare for me to be able to like everything in just two listenings, k.. my favourite track is perfect day and the unplugged version of everything.. yupp.. but will be missing their next two gigs.. one is at american high school peace concert (nov 19, i'm havin my A-levels!) and another at cineleisure on dec 10 (i'll be in surabaya already by then).. so yupp..

jc 2 students.. mug hard! it's about time!

2005-10-28T17:44:00.000-07:00

drunk and i'm feeling down
and i just wanna be alone
i'm pissed cause you came around
why don't you just go home?
cause you channel all your pain
and i can't help to fix myself
your making me insane
all i can say is

i tear my heart open, i sow myself shut
my weakness is that i care too much
my scars remind me that the past is real
i tear my heart open just to feel

i tried to help you once
a kiss will only vise
i saw you going down
but you never realized
that your drowning in the water
so i offered you my hand
compassions in my nature
tonight is our last dance

i'm drunk and i'm feeling down
and i just wanna be alone
you shouldn't ever came around
why don't you just go home?
cause your drowning in the water
and i tried to grab your hand
and i left my heart open
but you didn't understand
but you didn't understand

you fix yourself
i can't help you fix yourself
but at least i can say i tried
i'm sorry but i gotta move on with my own life

[scars - papa roach]

somehow felt that this song very aptly described my emotional torture last night yeah. for the past two days (ok, three including today, but so far i haven't broken down yet.. so counted? not counted?) been feeling down, down, down.. combinations of reasons, i s'ppose, but there is always a major factor.

eh he he... i noticed that, these days, when i'm having bad mood, it's usually because of one thing: people taking me for granted. there were two incidents last week in particular, and there were some this week, but mostly it happens throughout. which sometimes make me question, man what did i do to deserve all these??? but then again, there is always a spark of light in all this darkness.. despite all those being unappreciated both mentally and physically by some, i guess there really exist some who really, really understand me, my nature, and who can accept me for who i am. those, are the peeps i can call real. you see, everybody started off at equal grounds in this game of friendships, but time does its elimination job.. after a while, i am bound to see others' true colour and they are bound to see mine. when i can accept theirs as it is, and they can accept mine as it is (of course this gotta be proven.. sweet-talk doesn't work!), that is when it is real. yupp. and this thing is going at the rate of 4 per two years during my stay in SG.. which is a lil pathetic, but hey, not that bad, either.

erm.. for those of you who have no clue about whatever i was talking about in the previous paragraph.. nevermind. don't bother. you'd better go study for ur a-levels.

anyway. back to the bad mood thingy. after much thoughts, came to the conclusion that yea: i was taken for granted (could be read as: always around, will agree to _____, will never disagree to ____, will not mind if ____, use as you wish-discard after use, don't need to be thanked to, blah, blah. i could go on). i think after realising that those stuff were all one got back after putting in so much, it is easy to see the three Ds looming: demoralisation. disillusionment. depression.

okey la better stop. this entry sounds very, erm, black and psychopat-like.

2005-10-28T17:04:00.000-07:00

i guess that this is where we’ve come to
if you don’t want to, then you don’t have to believe me
but i will be there when you go down
just so you know now
you’re on your own now, believe me

[believe me - fort minor feat. mike shinoda]

that was one very, very cool song!! it's so linkinpark-ish.. maybe coz mike shinoda is there chipping in his brain juice.

linkin park, where are you??? didn't hear anything since your duo with Jay-Z yeah... i'm missing them already.

2005-10-23T14:40:00.000-07:00

what the.......!!!! i just typed one whole very long entry regarding the indo-tjc trip to geylang on friday, the developments in my applying to US universities and in the post-A-level malaysian trip, but the computer suddenly just so %$#&!!! grrrr... nevermind.. i shall write about something else yea.

i was studying last night (at about 2AM), when the radio played this song... saccharine mood overwhelmed me right away...

and so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
where we're gonna be when we turn 25
i keep thinking times will never change
keep on thinking things will always be the same
but when we leave this year we won't be coming back
no more hanging out cause we're on a different track
and if you got something that you need to say
you better say it right now cause you don't have another day
cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
these memories are playing like a film without sound
and I keep thinking of that night in june
i didn't know much of love but it came too soon
and there was me and you
and then we got real cool
stay at home talking on the telephone with me
we'd get so excited, we'd get so scared
laughing at our selves thinking life's not fair
and this is how it feels

* as we go on, we remember all the times we had together
and as our lives change come whatever,
we will still be friends forever

so if we get the big jobs and we make the big money
when we look back now will our jokes still be funny?
will we still remember everything we learned in school?
still be trying to break every single rule
will little brainy bobby be the stockbroker man?
can heather find a job that wont interfere with her tan?
i keep, i keep thinking that it's not goodbye
keep on thinking it's a time to fly
and this is how it feels

la, la, la, la ...
yeah, yeah, yeah la, la, la, la ...
we will still be friends forever
will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
can we survive it out there? can we make it somehow?
i guess i thought that this would never end
and suddenly it's like we're women and men
will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
will these memories fade when i leave this town i keep,
i keep thinking that it's not goodbye
keep on thinking it's a time to fly

sob sob. very sad.
anyway, saw mr andy goh who looks like choong yoon today, asked whether he would mind writing a recommendation for me (can't believe i'm asking from him instead of mrs.loo.. considering the difference between my chem and physics grades, this is sumthing that is quite out of this world.. but i just have something against mrs.loo lah.. and i think she also has something against me takin physics s-paper.. hmmm..). and he said, "i wrote a very good tutor's comment for you, (thankyou, sir) so please do your part, okay? get your As!"

ugh. have been sometime since anybody at all asked me to get my As... so encouraging!!!!! heeheeee.. almost cried there (okey im getting too sentimental, but anywayyyy!). i could only reply, "yes, sir. thank you." while actually my heart screams, "DAMMIT IM GONNA GET MY 4ASSSS!!!!"

heehee. okey.. gotta go home already..

2005-10-15T21:21:00.000-07:00

the 40-year-old virgin

watched this show with asih for lack of better-sounding titles in the movie list.. it was tuesday afternoon, and i was feeling super duper hungry and thirsty coz it was my first day of fasting.. since asih desperately wanted to watch a movie, so we went to cineleisure after school, not knowing what movie to watch. there were a lot of other bleah titles, so we decided to give a shot for this one (eventhough i would have preferred the cool-looking four brothers than this..).

anyway, went inside the cinema and hoahahahhahahhahaa.. the movie rocked my stomach, as in i couldn't stop laughing. i mean yeaaa, d'oh, there were lots and lots of explicit content in the movie, but if u can just forget about those stuff, the movie is really, really funnyyyy! my favourite scene was when the main character guy got a chest wax.. i could really feel the pain when the wax-maid said "one, two, three!" and pull those wax strips off his very very hairy chest... ouchhh! and he was like bleeding afterwards.. he couldn't take it anymore after a few wax strips, so he went home with his chest less-than-half-done.. it's mostly still full of hair, but there are a few smooth patches here and there.. what a comic scene.. more and less it was a very guy-kind of movie, but yea, it was entertaining. period.

by the way, asih was, for some strange reasons, super traumatized by the movie..

april snow

watched this because asih and i have promised each other to watch it the moment it came out (after we were left super satisfied by another korean movie called innocent steps before prelims..). so we went.. but damn it the movie was sooo slowwww and sooo quiettt (as in the conversations between the cast hardly last beyond five words.. okay, i'm exaggerating, but u got my point).. and there were two dirty, though not obscene, scenes which i thought was rather pointless. i mean, why include semi-nudity if it doesn't help to complete the whole show?? ridiculous... yeah, so i left the cinema feeling very,very disappointed.

asih insisted i liked the guy, though (bae yong-jun, if i didn't spell it wrongly).. she said i like the type of guy who wear spectacles and is very selebor (i didn't know how to put it in english..).

random stuff
anyway, my girl-classmates said that i'm very good at remembering rubbish.. i was listening to the radio yesterday nite, and i came across some rubbish quiz, so i thought i might just put some of the stuff here.. hehe.. the question of the quiz was, "what is your best pick-up line?" and here were some of the responses..
1. hey, i think you should be punished, because you make all the girls around you look ugly.
2. hey, may i take your picture? (the girl goes, "for what?", then guy says,) because i want to give it to the st.claus so that he knows what i want for christmas.
3. hey, you're so sweet i could lick you. (YUCKS)
4. i was gay until i saw you.
5. can i have your mother's phone number? because i want to thank your mother for giving birth to the most beautiful girl in the world.
erm.. and i think i remembered adrian sharing a pick-up line in class (yea, MRS TAG'S CIVICS CLASS!). and his one goes, "i lost my teddy bear.. would you sleep with me?".

hope that was a healthy dose of rubbish for you.. certainly worked to make me laugh last nite.. ciao.

2005-10-15T20:54:00.000-07:00

chickens follow their hen mother, do they not?
i've got nothing to say!
sigh...

anyway, today jaq came over to dunman hostel... we were supposed to be studying physics and chemistry. the first two hours went well, but after sherly and timo started to stay with us, the plan went haywire!!! we were talking, talking, talking about this-and-that-thing-plus-those-and-these-people... and so, until about 6pm, practically jaq and i were doing nothing but chatting. but yea, it's always good to catch up with old friends. i almost felt as if it was the first three months in tjc again.. haha...

but jaq and timo also exchanged a lot about us university applications.. which kinda made me 'burn' with envy.. why didn't i have the courage to apply? i don't know.. maybe i don't like the fuss of writing personal statement, getting testimonials from teachers and taking SAT.. but if it is so, i think i've missed a great deal, yeah? as in, how if one day i look back to this time of my life and think, "shit, why didn't i do it then?? why didn't i even try?". i dunno. i mean, it's still not too late to start applying for rd or whatever they call it.. i hope i'll come to a decision soon. very soon.

i would love to live in US ya.. what a new experience it will be..

uhh.. and i think the sense of uncertainty about what i want to do in university is killing me.. i really don't know.. i mean i know this sounds immature, not even realizing what you truly want, but my wish keeps changing as i age.. i remember when i was 9 and 10 i wanted to be an architect like dad. when i was 11 and 12 i wanted to be a teacher. 13 i wanted to be a secretary. 14 was engineer, 15 was economist. 16 and 17 i wanted to be a teacher again. and now.. 18 and 19.. i really don't have an idea.. i don't even know what to do. mother says i should do things that are more practical, like business or economy or management; but father says i'll be better off doing sciencey-mathematics stuff, or engineering at worst.

but the thing is, i don't even know what i want. i never tried my hands on business, economy or whatever, so how am i supposed to know that it suits me? and jc sciences has nearly killed me (if it had not already done so, actually), so how am i to cope to sciences in university?

i long for a refreshing wind.. but i dunno where to look for it.. yup..

shall stop whining lar.. by the way, maybe the trip to bali in january may not be cancelled after all, since timo has kindly offered his dad's assistance and networking power to get us a good holiday plan.. hmmm... i would love to go bali! it's been long time since the last trip there.. heehee..

2005-10-15T10:45:00.000-07:00

one step closer towards the USA, i guess..
i have made up my mind yayee. at least i'll TRY! i don't really care about the outcome, i believe i'll enjoy the process anyway.
dun want to look back and regret, so i'll do my best.. my very best..
one good motivation is: ESCAPIN SINGAPORE... whoa.. that's, like, ultimate dream..
lalallalallaalala.

i know i am faking. i know i am lying to you all and to myself, but let me be. just let me be. just, really, let me be. that's how badly i want to be left alone, geddit? what is so good about being able to poke your nose into my business? do y'all even have the slightest idea that it might hurt me? i'll do it my way...

mel mel and jejes.. sometimes i just miss you and miss being in the same hostel as you! the only ones who i can really confide in anything.. and who can accept me for the way i am. if you read this, thank you. thank you so much for being able to do so.. you're one of the very, very fews who can always put my mind at ease.. thanks..

2005-10-10T18:59:00.000-07:00

short-lived happiness with a speck of dust,
tarnishing the clean image of her innocence,
embellished with a sense of cruelty that overtook human frailty.
she asked herself,
a beast overtook her mind,
a feast spread out for the evil to unite,
look into my eyes,
our pupils met for that split second,
and you blinked, dissembling your thoughts,
instead of understanding the existing problem,
we chose to sit,
in silence.

ng zhi ying@scgs2003

2005-10-07T22:05:00.000-07:00

wait 'til you're older
hmmm! hmmm! i didn't expect this movie to be so yummy yummy good.. it started off slow and rather weird because it was taken from a kid's point of view, but as the kid grew, the show picked up some speed.. best thing: when the protagonist is young, the show seems to take "kiddy" angle of showing things, and as he ages, hey, everything seems to look more mature and clearer in a way. oh plus the bonus of a twisted ending, which i especially like when well done :) i think y'all should go and watch ya. it's a good good movie.

but me, fungus, el and yizhen had to accept the fact that we're stupid because of that movie. we made a loop trip from tjc-bugis-tjc-bedok before eventually watching the show.. all thanks to the lousy bugis cinema which has no more tickets for the show.. we watched the show in princess by the way.. hahaha.. hmm. it was cheap. it wasn't that bad. i like the way they show warnings such as "please switch off ur handphone" and stuff.. it brought me back to the 1980s, and i thought it was refreshing.

goal!
this one is just another movie for me. except for two cute guys, there is nothing that is quite worth seeing. didn't leave any impact on me, either. asih talked me into watching it...

on another note, got a D (yay!) for chemistry, which is really an achievement for me. and a merit for maths s-paper, which is another achievement. hahahhahahhahaha. i am satisfied.
ya la. i have no regrets this prelims except for my getting-lousy-and-lousier physics.

oh ya. by the way i lost my file. as in the file where i keep my current schoolwork. as a result, i kinda lost about 5-dollars worth of other jcs' prelims paper. sad case. must buy again...

something that has bothered me for a while..
i have two friends who are quite close to me, but not quite close to each other. one is so oblivious towards the surrounding that it drives the other nuts.. i dunno, is ignorance towards surroundings something that a person can control? i mean, who can help me if i am self-centred?? especially if nobody tells me that i am? and the thing is, the other one gets very irritated with the oblivious girl. and the oblivious one, being herself, obviously dunno that the other girl didn't really like her. worse still, there are times when three of us have to go out together and i find myself (sighs) having to appease to the two of them all the time.. as in, i have to consciously need to ensure that i pay enough attention to each of them and have to "fake" sentences so that two of them have things to talk about.. or that three of us have common things to talk about.
and boy, it's damn damn tiring to do so all the time.. imagine being a mother of two kids who constantly in cold war with each other dammit.. and i hardly have the patience of a mother. sometimes it just ruins my mood for the outing.
i have decided i shall not go out with them if two of them are present at the same time. period. i have to be selfish sometimes, no?

have to buy autograph book! maybe tomorrow, before meeting jaq or on sunday, during "date" with mel. lalala. i want white-covered, spiral-ring book with plain black papers inside. i heard it's not available even in prints. i went searching in kino, borders, taka, even times bookstore, but to no success. anyone saw such book before? your letting me know is highly appreciated..

2005-10-03T20:11:00.000-07:00

basically...
i am very very grateful that nothing happened to Dad during bali bombings (1st october 2005, 07.30pm) despite his close proximity with the restaurants that were blasted off...
i got 45% for general paper.. thanks to my essay... it sucks like shit... but it's 0.5% improvement compared to jct.. but then again, it looks like the whole cohort is doing well this time..
and... the most worrying thing...
i have zero motivation to study..
how how? "A"s in 5weeks' time, but i am not driven to work..

on another note,
i forgot to talk about this when blogging about scgs outing.. perhaps because i was too excited by the prospects of a holiday to malaysia after "a"s..
i notice THAT:
the whole world except tjcians are applying to overseas university!!!
some apply to US. some apply to UK. almost all are hoping for scholarships, but they say that they'll make do with half-scholarships or even loans..
some of their results are just equally as bad as mine, yet they have the confidence to apply overseas.. when i asked whether it was worth it (coz the process is just so tedious), they all say that in their colleges, it was the norm to apply overseas, so it didn't feel all that tedious..
sighs. i still remember talking about studying overseas during our scgs days. and how that hope somehow fades away when i enter tjc. nope, i'm not regretting being in tjc.. in fact, i treasure a lot of things that i get from this college.. it's just that, why is it so different being in tjc? why most tjcians only aim for NUS or NTU? why not go beyond that? nah.. i'm blaming circumstances again.. it's really not tjcians' fault that i let my dream of studying overseas to go away..
asih suggested me to apply overseas anyway.. but i don't know.. i'm not so sure.. is it wise to bother myself with these stuff at this point of time? isn't it a little late already?

nevermind... i think it's me and my bad mood again this time. tomorrow shall be a brighter day.

2005-10-01T20:43:00.000-07:00

Been doing nothing but enjoying life for the past few days...
WEDNESDAY (28/09)
go out with asih and jas to watch the sucky the myth
had dinner in secret recipe
THURSDAY (29/09)
ponning school
FRIDAY (30/09)
had gelare waffle for hi-tea snack
had meatball sphaggetti @NYDC for dinner
bought bohemian earrings
bought silver necklace
had oreo cheesecake for dessert
SATURDAY (01/10)
marche outing with scgs girls
bought bleach playing cards

walaooo. i've spent my money like water, some might say. it was unwise, but it seemed that this week was the only week i could enjoy life. the next four weeks would be the four weeks of the year at which i would be fasting, one week after that would be the last week before "a"-levels start, and the following three weeks would be the exams itself...

but the good news is. today wan xin, yun ru and yessica told me that they had a tour d'malaysia all planned out after the "a"-levels and they asked me to come along! =D it would be a ten-people outing, six girls and four guys; two indons and eight malaysians, all were ex-cjc hostellites. KL for shopping, ipoh for beach, malacca for leisure and penang for food. doesn't that sound just soooooo tempting? haha... i've asked permission from parents and they straightaway said yes (including the financial aid, of course). so, malaysia, here i come! yayyy!

since the beginning of this year, i don't know why i have this urge to visit the whole malaysia (erm maybe minus sabah and sarawak).. i was planning to persuade my parents to bring the whole family to have some malaysian trip dari ujung ke ujung at the end of this year or anytime during my long, seven-months break. i even visited jb earlier on this year (sometime after june common tests) and was planning to ask melissa and chui fen to bring me to the hebat-est eating places in penang this year-end.
but apparently there's no need to ask this and that to anybody, coz today it was all set! =D

oh yeah, and the ex-indon scgs girls were planning to visit BALI in the beginning of next year, after the New Year celebrations ended... apparently none of them visited bali before, so I could be the tour guide this time... it is nice not to be the blur sotong all the time. yay yay yay! bali is by far my favourite holiday spot. it'd be nice to, for once, becoming backpackers and head there without the supervision of adults. haha. hey, i'm considered an adult in indo after all (you only need to be seventeen years old to be qualified for all the good things, such as driving license and voting rights.. haha).

whatelse is there to say? oh yea.. i think my mugging period has to start next week... otherwise i might not be able to make it, ya. four "a"s. and whatever i could get for gp and s-papers. haha.
(by the way i got 48% for physics "s", not bad considering my standard; but mr.desai said in real "a"-levels, u need 60%to get a merit and 80%to get a distinction.. oh no!).

yesterday adrian asked whether i still wrote a lot (we were discussing about one of his writing piece), and somehow i realised that YA HOR i don't write anymore. as in, i still write blog entries and nonsense stuff, but nothing that just comes out from inspiration; nothing that is a fruit of the mind. hmmmmm. which is why i have linked my 2004 livejournal in this blog... coz i think, in that journal, i wrote more like me, about what i think and not just about daily happenings, ups and downs. yeap.

by the way... what should i do? i think i heard ****** crying again yesterday night. what should i do?????? i thought i talked to her thoroughly already about her concerns, but yeah.. apparently the stuff that she was still sad about was still disturbing her each day. maybe i should just accompany her more often. lalala.

chun kiang's autograph book is very nice but it's also very very GIRLY. i mean, as a girl i like it, but don't blame me if it baffles me that a guy could have such a book. and a set of coloured pens to go with it. forgive my sexism.

i so want to have jamiroquai's CD dynamite because i've decided seven days in sunny June and feels like just it should is worth it, but problem remains the same every time i want to buy a CD: my discman is spoilt, so there's no point. haiya.

2005-09-29T16:39:00.000-07:00

post-prelims post, some might say..
i know i didn't do well.. but dunno why i'm not sad? okey la maybe sad for physics.. but i am really okay with the rest of the subjects hahahaz.
these are my results.. for all (except chem), i am lazy to do the % calculation, so it's a diy, ok.. and the grades haven't come out yet, by the way..
CHEMISTRY: 48% (ehei, it's a much improved from jct's 28%)
FURTHER MATHS:
paper 1: 62/100
paper 2: 43/100 (thanks to mechanics)
MATHS C:
paper 1:73/100
paper 2:93/100
PHYSICS:
paper 1:32/60 (walaoooo)
paper 2:52/90 (first time passing paper 2!!)
paper 3:82/110

GP results haven't come out.. So do S-paper results..
I'm predicting ACDE C6 UU

Hehehe... lalala...

By the way, I have decided:
1. I'm going to do maths at either NUS or NTU =D more inclined to go to the latter, coz if i happen to get 3'A's for A-levels, i could finish studying and getting a Honours degree in three years! That means, graduating when i'm 23. Cool.
2.On my second year, I'll study stats, so that I could work as statisticians/surveyors, hopefully in a bank or finance company. While working, I could therefore pick up some finance and management skills, something that I'm keen to learn but not willing to study in university.
3.When I'm 26, or at most 27, any bond related to tuition grant would have ended.. Then it'd be time to go back Indo and working there..
Maybe continuing to become surveyor first, then studying maths in even more in-depth after I have enough money.. after having high enough degree, maybe I'd apply to become a lecturer in one of the university in my city, therefore fulfilling my childhood dream of becoming a teacher.

Oh yea.. CINDERELLA MAN is one very very good movie. Even I the anti-crying-in-the-movie one, cried dunno how many times throughout the two hours. Looking back, I think what makes it good is the inspiration that miracle exists even in toughest time. I mean we pple constantly needs to believe in something, right? That there is something more to our lives, the purpose why we are created and why we live.. That's why we believe in God, some choose to believe in miracles, etc... coz I think life by itself is too much to bear, and we find comfort in believing that there is a purpose to all the hardship of lives?

Ugh and next time around I won't listen to Zhenhua or Jony for movie recommendations. They told me that The Myth was very good, and I succumbed to it. Went to watch it yesterday with Asih and Jas and uuurggghhhh.. it sucks like shitttttt. One hour into the movie, I started to become very very restless already, not able to wait for the movie to be over so that I can do something else. Two hours spent watching it was two hours too many! Grrrrrrr.

And we celebrated Adrian's birthday last last night... hahaha... okay la, not 'celebrated', actually we only gave him the present.. sum perverted mug that Dipta recommended, sum trash-talking teddy bear and *something* in a test tube plus the refill. The only proper gift was the nike cap. And thanks to the good hands of sher, er, fungus, and sw (i was just a spectator-cum-host when they waved their magic fingers), those perverted stuff turned out to be cute (but still perverted).

Errrm... i think ****** is very sad over her results. I thought I heard her crying... But I dunno what to do... Sighz.

By the way, by the way. I'm quite encouraged by my chem results. I know I only got 48%, but it was almost mainly due to my physical and inorganic chem (coz my organic chem knowledge is practically zero).. about 40 out of that 48 is from physical and inorganic, so... erm.. yea.. I guess I could do better once I get my hold on my organic chem.. A friend has shared one strategy.. I'm gonna try it out..

i miss a lot of ppl... marche outingg, i can't waitttt! hurry, saturday, come!

2005-09-27T12:28:00.000-07:00

blackpepper seafood pasta in swensens' is first-class...
everybody, go and try!!
erm. whatelse ya?
haha. salute salute to er who always can find things tt suit adrian
maybe you're destined to find those kind of things la er.

okey i gtg... buying engtze's birthday present soon..
scgs babes, see you all on 1st october!
marche outing yayyyy!
till then, farewell.

some friends are just so c.m.i.

2005-09-25T23:50:00.000-07:00

this entry is again about my past. so yea, skip it. got lots of boring details unknown to most of you..

can i ask a question to the world? if an acquintance (yeah, not even a friend..) do real bad things to me (s)he made me cry, am i supposed to just accept the apology asked after a few years down the road, and pretend as if nothing had happened before? and accept the plea to accept him/her as a friend? izzit so?

sighz! they say, "the past is in the past" but even if it is so, i think all of us are made up of our pasts.. and taking away those past is taking away some part of ourselves. yupp. im getting very cheem but nevermind.

cannot la. even when the friend was apologizing i was close in tears. very close. maybe if at that point of time somebody go and hit me jokingly from the back, i can easily cry. the memory of that period was that bad.

hmm.. but i think it's just fair to reply that "hey i cant forgive. not yet, at least.", yeah? so i think i'm going to do just that. ciao.

2005-09-25T11:57:00.000-07:00

sometimes there are songs that just won't get out of my head.. here's one.. by a genius who calls himself jamiroquai, titled seven days in sunny june

The papers you've arranged
In a sense they're strange
They speak to me like constellations as we lie here
There's a magic I can't hold
Your smile of honey gold
And that you never seem to be in short supply of

Oooooh so baby let's get it on
Drinkin' wine and killin' time
Sitting in the summer sun
You know I've wanted you so long
Why'd you have to drop that bomb on me

The lazy days
Crazy dolls
You said we've been friends for too long

Seven days in sunny June
But long enough to bloom
The flowers on the sunlight dress you wore in spring
The way we laughed as one
And then you dropped the bomb
But I know you too long for us to have a thing

Gotta get this
The stories in your eyes
Tell of silent wings
You fly away on

Seven days in sunny June
But long enough to bloom
The flowers on that sunbeamed dress you wore in spring
Yeah yeah
The way we laughed as one
Why did you drop that bomb on me

Could it be this
The honey suckled dancing you'd seem to show me
Could it be this
For seven days in June I wasn't lonely
Could it be this
You never gave me time to say I love you
Could it be this
I know you don't believe me but it's so true
Don't walk away from me girl
I read the stories in your eyes
Don't you walk away from me girl
I read the stories in your eyes
Don't you walk away from me girl
I read the stories in your eyes
Don't you walk away from me
I read the stories in your eyes
If you've been telling me we've been friends for too long
Yeah
Why'd you wanna drop the bomb
Telling me we've been friends for too long
Why'd you go and drop the bomb
You tell me that we've been friends for too long
Yeah

2005-09-22T19:46:00.000-07:00

weeheeeee! down to one more paper to go: 9233/00! go figure what paper that is.

anyway. i think i am totally screwed for prelims.

i know i'm going to only get FIVE marks for mechanics (out of forty something), because the rest of the thing i seriously dunno how to do. actually i dun even know what the question is talking. string here and there, attached to some particles and rotated and blah blah. i just.dont.get.it.
so my fmaths is definitely a gone case.

my chemistry also! hahahaa. i got a feeling it's gonnabe F again this time. at most i can push it to an O. bwahahaha. but nevermind. i know my organic sucks, and i'm getting help! hehe.. from the smart Jaq who scores A for her chem. lalala...

physics... arghhh. don't want to talk about it. i felt paper 3 was ok, but definitely not paper 1 nor two. and i heard max of 07/04 got full marks for his paper one. wow.

maths is my only hope. d'oh. i am a further maths student... if i can't rely on my maths c, then i might as well die, yeah.

erm, and today's physics s was really kicking ass.. (it rhymes!).
section a, the compulsory section, was reasonably hard.
but section b, the 6choose3 section, was UNreasonably hard.
i'll be on my knees if i can get, like, erm, thirty or forty percent.
and by the way, tjc physics teachers are LAZY. they simply use last year 'A'-levels for physics s to be our question paper for prelims. walao.

i'm ready for my results.. come what may!

on another note,
i spoke to dad the other day about my worries on not getting scholarship for university. and guess what he said? he said, it's okay!
can you believe??? he said that it was okayyy!
he even said that he would pay for my university education :)
there goes one major concern of my life these days. yayyeee.
i mean, three years ago, i remembered them telling me that they really hoped i'd gonnabe keep doing well in school and earning scholarships for the rest of my life so that they can save up for my siblings to get equally as good education (meaning, sending them overseas).
knowing my jc results, i know that getting scholarship is rather impossible already, so the other day i gather all courage to ask him...
aren't you proud of me??

what else yeah? how about these:
corpse bridge
four brothers
nightwatch
herbie reloaded

i want to watch those!!! but no money lah. so sadddd.
better go watch anime with sher. it's free! just borrow pat's comp.

i found NICOLAE in library and so badly wanted to borrow it.
coz i know my weekend is gonnabe a bit de empty.
and i lazy to go out coz i just wanna cozy up in my lil room.
but then.. stooped library system was down today.. have to try my luck tomorrow..

i think that's about it yeah..
nothing much is going on in my life, apparently :p
gotta regain my life back soon, like clara said..

a page of the past

2005-09-16T14:00:00.000-07:00

warning: if you are easily bored, skip this entry. it's for my own viewing pleasure.

checked on my friendster, and i found a FriendRequest by this person who called himself mahendra. i was like "who the...?"
so went on to check on his friendster page. saw the photos. ehhh. looked quite familiar yea? progressed on to the subsequent photos.. getting a clearer picture of who he is.. and then.. a EUREKA! i know who he is!!! he's dedy, my sec2 classmate's brother. i remembered that the brother was the one who kinda taught me and a few friends how to improve on our music (we used to be in a band, preparing from some school event..) during our preparations. i can even view the brother's pic from his friendster.. you can if you want to (if you happen to have nothing better to do, that is).
and my, that simple friendster page brings a lot of memories rushing through my brain.. tireless days after school, going to ursula's house to have our lunch, then proceeded to nicko's to have some practice session (back then we didn't call it jammin). dedy would always be there with us kids, listening to the music we made and try to suggest this and that. probably the biggest contributor in the whole group.
it was a short two to three months period, one that is full of tears for me, coz everytime i come back home, my parents just won't understand why i had to be out from six a.m. to nine or ten p.m just for some band thing.. and another member of the group happened to hate me so much i couldn't take it and chose to leave the group after our first school gig. yupp. sad memory, huh. and i don't really remember it anymore (actually didn't remember it existed even), but today, everything came in again.
and that brother, dedy, hmm. i just didn't expect to ever hear from him again.

2005-09-09T20:18:00.000-07:00

two nights ago, a good friend, whose (sadly) friendship i doubt sometimes, composed this for me.. which kind of chased away all those doubts..

rain falls, thunder strikes.
still the sun is there for the earth.
to shine afterwards.
i fall, my heart breaks.
still you are there for me,
to help me.
you make me believe,
after gloomy and dark sk,
there is a colourful rainbow.

but to me, you are my rainbow,
'coz when blackness surrounds me,
i realise how colorful and beautiful our friendship is.

i whisper to the wind in this bland night,
i just want to thank you.

there is something weird about the way it was written (i think) but who cares yeah? i think.. it's really time for me to learn to trust again...

i flipped my two-year-old diary yesterday morning, and realized that there was some very dark periods that happen to me which could make me almost in tears just by reading it. however, at the same time it makes me treasure whatever i'm having now, and those dark periods serve a very important purpose as a reminder that, hey, life is not so bad today. you've been through worse stuff, so obviously you can handle this one.

yey. life is beautiful.

2005-09-07T10:05:00.000-07:00

perhaps one of the best thing that happened throughout this two-weeks study break had happened already: yesterday's moe briefing on air tickets! yeeppp.. as sianz as it might sound, no matter how boring the talk was, i got to meet my old buddies.. and it felt so good! haha.
mel's in good shape, i think she lost a lot of weight and now lookin' great! her hair also looks nice. oh yea it felt good to tease her again, with the guy from tjc that she danced with in ASEAN night. it turned her speechless straighatway. lolz.
jaq, yes, and mer were also there.. didn't talk much with them except the crapping and the teasing about yes's toyboy. hohoho. four of us got the spongebob-no-pants toy from moe. i guess that is the way for good friends, is it? even seeing each other can make me feel very good. let alone having a long, nice talk with them about our current lives, yea? i can't wait for the outing after prelims!
the rest of the malaysians.. yun ru, she becomes one very girly girl, she even wears PINK SHOES! how does she get that centil-ness?? but her haircut is still as short as ever :p wanxin, the always enthu one, she's still very smart with her 2 s-papers in HC. but still as childish as ever. oh yea she proposed us scgs gals to stay together in a house after 'a's while we are working in singapore. oh man i'am ALL for it. imagine a cjc hostel without some irritating people. i even saw poi! haha. she looks a bit different with her new long hair, but still as non-sense as ever. it's weird to see her without her best friend in scgs shueh wen, though. wondering where she is now. the vj gal eng tze was missing in action... i didn't see her, nor serene.. saw de lian for a brief second but dunno why she never came over to our small talk.
mel's ex-roommate hanh was also there.. she didn't change much.

hahaaaaa. sorry if i bore you guys with things about pple that you don't know... but i'm just feeling ssooooo gooood after seeing them! point of the story: it's nice when one knows that friendship formed in two years of staying together remain as bonded as ever despite the fact that we hardly see each other. true, some of us have changed--looks, personality, whatever. but the fact that we used to be scgs girls, that we used to stay in that homey cjc hostel (minus the mistress, of course) continued to exist in our heart. i dunno about them, but i truly treasure the memory i have there (you can see this when i'm suddenly smiling by myself.. haha). i love them. i love them. i'd bet the same thing happen for the friendships formed here in dunman yeah... i guess this is really the gift of friendship =)

2005-09-04T10:22:00.000-07:00

hey hey hey!
hahaha i think yesterday's hell was really just due to hormones, because today i'm back on track again! woke up with high spirit, and was about to do my daily roomshift to reading room when i see this computer room and think, 'hey why not tell the world that i'm okay already?'.

actually i talked to a few friends yesterday about my depression and it felt much better after doing so. the fact that some craziest girls in jb was using my room as their new newspaper (plus playing and cock-talking) room also helped. i was so entertained last night i went to bed with a very good mood. hihihi this is called 'the real gift of friendship', not to be confused with the definitions given by sher or er.

PEOPLE I'M SO STUDYING HARD TODAY! I'M GOING TO GET ADDICTED TO STUDYING LIKE PATTY LIM FUNGSHIN!

bye bye. study hard, pple!

P.S. the book group that er lent me is proven to be very, very good. she should really go and read it instead of letting it lying around in her drawer..

2005-09-03T20:09:00.000-07:00

my ever loyal readers, today i want to be heard.

have you ever been through a day where everything just seems so horrifying? where you screw up everything you do and it seems that everybody's ignoring you? today is one such day for me, but if you happen to be a girl, you would agree with me that those bad feelings can be attributed to one word: PMS. yeah.

aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhh.

i feel like running away from all these stupid mugging. i don't hate studying, in fact i enjoy it, but when the pressure to do well starts to well up, it gets stressful. real stressful. and the fact that my hormones release less endorphin nowadays (which is supposed to make you feel happy) doesn't help, either.

i have been toying with the idea of visualizing my university days to get me to study. but it doesn't prove to be effective. i don't know why. usually imagining your glory will motivate me, but it seems to lose its effect on me already.

i have also been considering lots of courses, ranging from pure academic subjects like physics and maths to pure application subjects like architecture but i still can't make up my mind. heck i can't even decide which university i want to go to. hmm, perhaps the problem lies there. i don't have a goal, a destination, how on earth i expect myself move towards that destination? but people are telling me that now isn't the best time to decide on such stuff, because i've got more urgent matters in hand. yeah like prelims.

and i am so gonna get two UNCLASSIFIED for my s-paper prelims.

i feel people are just so irritating nowadays, too. and sometimes i want to blame some innocent people while i am actually angry about something that i can't get angry about or angry to someone who i'm not in talking terms with.

and all these thoughts disturb me from peacefully studying, despite the fact that i've moved to reading room during the day and only use my room for bathing.

forgive me readers, if this entry has sounded very negative. this is my mood at the moment and, as far as i understand, blogs are supposed to cater for my moodswings, too, among other purposes. maybe i should just go get some ice cream or chocolate. they release endorphins. ah perhaps a run, even.

study hard, pple.

2005-08-26T19:10:00.000-07:00

been a tiring week for me, settling teachers' day present and mrs.tag's present.. been out every single day after school hahha.. and once home, i'm left with no energy to do my work. hence my studies have been a havoc this week.

but nevermind.

today's a good break, too. whole day of slacking and eating nice stuff and watching nice movie with gal classmates. yay. my gal classmates rock. the guys are just very, very c.m.i. lah.

study break's starting from next week. what can i say? study hard, people! let's aim to have no regrets after prelims...

2005-08-19T17:11:00.000-07:00

pizza hut for lunch.
photo-taking after lunch.

that's about what i could describe of today's events.

decided not to go for grad nite.
i damn won't enjoy it ba.
go grad nite = eat swensens sundae 20times.
duh i prefer swensens.
hmm unless i go with people whose company i enjoy.

i want to buy flat shoes. white colour ones.
i want to buy new clothes. mine's all old and boring already.
i want to buy nice necklace.
but all that's not really important.

my dream's simple.
i just want to be happy.
why is it so difficult to achieve that with certain people ya?
why, why?
nevermind, the drag is over soon.
one more week, then that's it.

so many things to do.
i dun want to screw up my prelims.
i want to go home. aabb and i'll be flying off.
but chemistry has almost zero hope.

i start talking non-sense.
anyway. this is a bad day.
i just wish the night with astro in ecp will be better.
amen.

2005-08-11T16:24:00.000-07:00

sixteeen oh-eight... yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
i know fit people out there won't appreciate my happiness over the above 2.4k run timing, but i do! i doooo! lalalalalalala.it's my best so far :) so lousy yah. but nvm. happy happy.
hahhaa. if only tomorrow isn't the five-items napfa test, i'd be off pigging out already.
i'm a bit tired of fila shop in suntec. we went there dunno how many times because some people couldn't make up her mind to buy the bag or not. feels malu facing fila guys. not that they know us anyway. hahaa. (by face maybe but at least not by name!).
tomorrow's fm test (ARGH) and i'm here in the hub dunno do what ya. all my fault, never bring any notes to study. i was expecting the set of qns for phy s today will take me till the start of phy s to do, but it didn't.
oh yea i heard there are water rationing in some parts of malaysia but how come i am the only one who seem to know this info ya? (hmmm and EH maybe, coz she's the one who told me).
anyway. back to daily grind again. the green concrete again. the green uniform again. holiday's over. time to work hard. got our prelims timetable today and bloodyhell-y, i have papers every single day! every single day for two whole weeks.. what crap is that? even for 'a'-level, i have breaks in between some papers. i'm so gonna die, but nvm.. treat it like running :p
maybe will still gonnabe running 2.4k next week, coz one of my classmate failed today hmmmm.. ok that's all. i so feel like watching bleach..

2005-08-06T20:22:00.000-07:00

on monday (01/08/05) i fell sick again. had two diagnostic tests for chem and physics that day, so decided it wasn't wise to skip school. WRONG. should've skipped! i ended up not being able to focus during lesson due to the frequent coughing and sneezing and the spinning head. after physics diagnostic, i even went sickbay in desperate need of some rest.

so on tuesday and wednesday i was wise enough not to repeat my mistake. i stayed home and rest and by wednesday afternoon i thought i felt better. wrong again. some terrible thing happened. doc asked me to rest for another day. so i did.

felt muchhhhhhhh better by friday. went suntec... ate cheesecake and sushi haha. yum yum yum. tried out sum clothes in U2women and bum but decided not to buy. poor shopkeepers. i still want some more sushi! but cannot. no money. haha.

anyway. today was gone before i knew it. i swear i don't want to take my drowsy medicine anymore except before sleeping coz it sure causes drowsiness. i slept for 4hours after a night sleep just because i took tt medicine. haiz. did a bit of work, and a bit of running, read comic... yea what a wasted day. anyway. that's all. pretty boring life these days.

oh wait!!!!
i went to syf dance presentation in kallang theatre last friday! chee kiang was performing so i get (by paying three bucks) tickets from him. the whole thing was okay.. there are some fantastic pieces the balinese dance alike, the jungle dance, the broadway dance (can't believe all these were presented by secondary school students). and my fave is... tj dance! haha. i am not being biased. i just think the dance is very, very sweet and uplifting. watch already then feel very happy. haha. erm. can't really describe it in words, though... my dance vocabulary is very limited. but well done, tj dance. i am so proud. haha.

2005-07-28T16:24:00.000-07:00

phy s in 10minutes' time. dunman hostel annual dinner (stupid, stupid!) in one and a half hours' time. mum's birthday in three days' time.

today: pe in the morning.. the previous leg ache has only recovered last nite, now i'm painfully greeted by a new one as a result of this morning's 2.64k. sighz. why pe can't be painless??

fm test: quite confidence can get q1 and q2 right, buttttt bloody q3, it was a standard question but i couldn't reduce the matrixx... graphic calc, which usually does the job for me, is practically dysfunctional this time coz the matrix involves sum bloody variable :( so sad so sad.

but anyway. was decently happy for the last stats test. so i earn my share of bleach this week yeah.. yay. later.

byebye.

2005-07-23T19:45:00.000-07:00

once upon a day, a friend asked,
"what does it mean when a girl gives a guy chocolate?"

i dunno why, but it redefines the whole meaning of the word torn for me.

don't want to talk about it much, though, so anyway; let's move on to happier things.. like how ALL OF YOU PEOPLE SHOULD GO WATCH THE ISLAND!!!! it's one helluva good movie! but really, my potterified mind (still halfway through half-blood prince by now) is not in a very positive state. so this should be all.

happy mugging, all Year Twos! my classmate's msn nick shows it's 43more days to prelims, sorry to remind.

2005-07-20T20:03:00.000-07:00

blood donation in school today.
for the first time in my life i actually wanted to go donate my blood.
so after lunch, i enthu-ly went to the hall to register myself as blood donor.
filled in the super-long-long form.
queued to see the doc.. only to be told that i could only donate on 1st august.
which is exactly three weeks after my fever went away.

haih. just when i have the drive, higher authorities don't let me go and do it.

2005-07-18T16:34:00.000-07:00

movies watched in the month of july:

war of the worlds
tom cruise is really cute! hmm, despite short; but sher will find this trait of him appealing even more ;p
anyway. he's a supposedly bad father in the movie, get divorced with his wife, leaving two kids-a daughter and an older son- in the mother's care. the son grew up disliking him, while i suppose the daughter was too young to feel hatred towards her daddy. there were certain scenes where it was shown that the daughter felt closer to her brother instead of her daddy; and such scenes kind of break my heart.. coz.. dunno, can't imagine when i grow up having kids next time knowing that they opt for someone else but me; while i'm their flesh and blood. can't imagine tom cruise's feeling as a daddy, too.
surprisingly enough, what caught me about this movie is the message displayed about family ties instead of the special effects of the movie. but since most people will expect me to talk about the special effects as well (hey after all it's spielberg's movie..), i think the effect was.. hmm, okay lah. average. spielberg-ish. it looks natural, not fake, but there's nothing impressive. except that, like sher, i kinda agree of how they visualize aliens.. sticky thing with realllyyy thin limbs and big heads. higher intelligent beings are supposed to look like these! yeah spielberg rocks after all.
don't really like the ending, coz it was said that the big, spider-like killing machines that were supposed to exterminate human beings "went out of control" by itself without real cause; it was later told that they had no immunity against bacteria on Earth which had evolved and had not been expected by the martians. weird ending. no victory no losing--actually there was hardly any war to begin with.
by the way, tom cruise is still a bad father at the end.

batman begins
expected this movie to be a darn good one, and yupp it is! the movie began with baffling scene of bruce wayne being a prisoner. me and er were wondering "eh why is he in prison?". the way the scenes move back and forth from the wayne's prisoner days and childhood days were rather confusing, but it was all revealed by the time the movie reaching mid-point, so it was okay.
bruce wayne i.e. batman is cool. he's got no superpower, no superman/spiderman/x-men kind of ability. he's just a man who trained a lot and a scientist who knows how to make full use of technology and human resources he have; thus he could become a batman with all the cool gadgets. could become a hero. hmmm.. hardwork pays off, doesn't it?
the hunk is handsome, too :D er and i were drooling over him throughout the movie!
anyway, can't say much except that i recommend everybody to go catch it if you havent done so!
on a 'deeper' note, it really sets me thinkin. you know sometimes, people do things that aren't right, aren't fair to others but think that certain justifications could actually make it fair? after watching this movie, i am more inclined to think that there's actually no way one could make such things justified. selfish is selfish, no matter how much you coat it with sugar-sweet reasonings.

fantastic four
i don't really like the movie... hmm..
except that i love some of the lines featured in its radio trailers, such as:
1. dr. doom: let's not fight.
invisible woman: no. let's.
2. human torch: maybe this is some kind of higher calling.
mr.fantastic: like, getting girls and making money??
human torch: is there any higher?
3. invisible woman: look at me.
mr.fantastic: i can't.
4. human torch: now picture this... everywhere!
character i like best: ben a.k.a. the thing. because he's such a sad character with lotsa controversy. like being left by his wife because he turned rocky-ish and ugly. like being trapped by dr.doom into thinking that his friendship with mr.fantastic is bullshit. like being able to pull himself together, sacrifice his perfect life as ben to turn to become the thing again to save mr.fantastic. he's the most real character; most confused.. i mean nobody is actually as idealistic as mr.fantastic, as self-denying as invisible woman or as gamesome and as into merry-making as human torch? okay there is laa, but not most ppl?

2005-07-17T12:56:00.000-07:00

finally hostel comp doesn't refuse when i typed in www.blogger.com...

apologies for the long break of entry yeah folks.. let's do some flashback again (it's getting frequent nowadays!)

thursday, july 7, 2005
went to school feeling happy coz i did most of my work.. hmm, except phy S, but that can be settled after school. had our veryyy first PE lesson after the holidays, ran 4 rounds around the track.. wasn't timed or anything, so it wasn't tiring; just ran at our own pace.
after school, stayed in library with pat, sw and yy doing work. hey i could finish my phy s questions in two hours. that was quite 'something' for me :) though some of it turned out to be wrong lol. but the doing was mentally super tiring; i slept right after my dinner.

in the middle of the night.. everything's dark; lights off, fungus's sleeping, all i heard was the blades of the fan moving. i was awake, then something started me coughing. and coughing again. and again. this continued for sometime, and i could only lie on the bed, eyes wide awake, throat burning, and rather gasping for air. it looked like the coughing's got something to do with my lungs, because i couldn't seem to breathe properly. i coughed again. i remembered coughing myself back to sleep..

friday, july 8, 2005
woke up with a spinning head, but decided i couldn't just skip school because i had a headache. i went to the bathroom, washed myself, said goodbye to fungus. after bathing, i went to iron my uniform, but felt as if the world outside my room was totally different from the one inside my room. walking to the common toilet (where the ironing board stands) was a chore.. my head was spinning.. stars everywhere. so i went back to my room, sat on my bed and thought, heck with school, i should just sleep. so i did. with wet hair.
at 12pm, i woke up. wondering how come i didn't feel hungry despite no breakfast. checked my phone.. 4 messages received. two from classmates and two from sher and er. the latter asked wheter i was keen on watching batman begins. i was! i totally was! so, despite my headache, which didn't feel as bad as in the morning by then, i went off to cineleisure, caught the movie (will talk about the movie itself later), came back for dinner, which i didn't eat. i still had no appetite by then. went to comp lab. couldn't take it after about an hour, so i went back to my room, to rest. coughing started again. messaged fungus.. 'porridge please.. for my dinner'.. she said okay, so i just waited on my bed. tried to sleep but couldn't. i felt my body temperature soaring high, tried to reach my thermometer but couldn't, coz i need to climb on a chair to get it. just lied on the bed, body covered with my blanket (for those who knows how i sleep, they'll know i don't usually use blanket).. fungus came with porridge--she was shocked seeing me sick. said she had never seen me lookin that sick. anyway. ate my porridge and tried to sleep.

saturday, july 9, 2005
woke up feeling okay except for the headache. lunch was porridge again, coz throat was still not up to harder food. by 5 pm, i thought i was solid... remind me not to think next time, because i actually wasn't okay at all. went to bugis with er and sher for dinner, ate swensens' baked rice and chocolate ice-cream. real yummy, but when one's sick, those food will make him sicker.
so i came back feeling sick once again. curled up on my bed with the blanket once again. coughed again. headache again. everything came back. temperature soaring high one more time.
fungus buggin me to go see doctor about my prolonged coughing (it's been more than a month), so i said yea i'll go on sunday, at which she sternly replied that i've been saying i wanted to go see doctor since a month ago. so i'd better be true to my words this time around, yeah? haha my roommate knows how to get me do things!

sunday, july 10, 2005
saw the sissy doctor in tang's clinic. give me loads and loads of drugs.. i gotta take, like 7 pills after every meal? as usual, i'm not happy. i hate taking drugs, it makes me feel dependent on dead things. (which is actually the same as dependent on coffee or smoking, but dependent on medicine has a disgusting, sickly sound to it, i guess..). got a two-day med-certificate, and a one-week off-pe.

tuesday, july 12, 2005
GOOD CHARLOTTE: NOISE TO THE WORLD CONCERT
8.00pm
Kallang Indoor Stadium

went there with EH and YH. will blog about it later. that's about the only highlight of the day.

wednesday, july 13, 2005
watched fantastic four with er and sf after school. asih and nadya tagged along, too. will blog about the movie later.

saturday, july 16, 2005
hey i'm one of the first in this WHOLE WORLD who owns harry potter and the half-blood prince. and the paper bag with the book cover printed on it, too! of course, i opt for the kiddy, UK version as usual. heard that the US-version was sold for ten bucks more expensive. and i saw a coloured version of it. wow. the business's getting real good for jk rowling. the book was of 607 pages, 159pages thinner than the previous book. was an applaudable move, because i heard most friends' opinions saying that order of phoenix was way too thick and too tiring to read. yupp. aha, and i'm looking forward for harry potter and the goblet of fire: the movie, too, which should be released soon. i've seen its posters around (without date of release, though) cinemas, and i seriously hope it'll live up to expectation, unlike prisoner of azkaban, the book of which is my favourite, but movie of which is a flop. anyway. haven't started half-blood prince, coz i need to study.. erm, thermochem. i wanna proove myself that even chemistry is doable for me if i study for it. so yeahs..

2005-07-08T18:44:00.000-07:00

i had a very weird dream last night. weird, but nice :) i think it has something to do with one of my best friends's presence here in singapore, because everything was pretty and peaceful... hmm, just like last time?

won't share it here, though, coz some people don't like to know what others' dreams are like :p

besides, i'm too lazy to type... what with this hammering headache (coz it feels like someone hitting hammer to my head) since i woke up from that dream. and the sore throat. damnnnn i know this is a sign.. the last time i fell sick, these were the symptoms.. :(

to sher and er: yea yea i'm a slacker la...

but to jack: no no i'm a mugger..

actually i'm just one confused person.

btw: i've just seen some photos on friendster.. new ones.. and it made me feel happy :p photos of an old friend, that is.

2005-07-06T12:40:00.000-07:00

sucky sucky my exam results are sucky.

ta-daaaa, in descending order.
maths 67
physics 55
fmaths 31 (and you'll think that it'd be the lowest i could hit, but...)
chem 28

of course my chem is lower than my fmaths! since when it'll ever be higher? chem, no matter what, is difficult. so is mechanics.

if i ever said my maths is 70+ or my physics is 60+, guess what, that was a bluff! teehee. that's why.. don't push me la.. i'll say if i want to say..

Hmm.. so i suppose it'd be B, C, F, F?

2Fs, 2As, must be seeing principal already lah. nevermind. maybe could give me some push. i need a drive.

but

die die i'm not dropping fmaths ya. hey it's not my worst subject, so i drop for what? and the chem tutor is a bit against me dropping chem. so... nah, not dropping whatever p/vp/ct/friends say.

stubborn me?

but i guess i need this failure. i somehow have it in me that without failures, i will never learn; i will keep thinking "can chiong", i will keep slackin, i will think that someday i'll master mechanics or stuff but it isn't like that. hmmmm.. been foolin myself? yeah maybe.. but it's not too late to change, rite? i have two whole months before prelims. and four whole months before the real 'A's.

okey! i can do this! i can do this! i can do this!

hmmm.. how about no "bleach" unless i get above 70% for a test? yupp that shall be the way..

2005-06-11T16:56:00.000-07:00

it's been long since my last update.. so here we go: another flashback..

friday, may 27, 2005

thought it's gonnabe a stupid morning because 1) i woke up at 6.40AM, 2) i had not ironed my SYF shirt and pants for the day's aurora, 3) i felt very hungry because i did not have my dinner the previous day. hurrying up and down do the stuff i was supposed to do.. rushing off to school at 7.15AM, took cab.. the stupid cab driver brought me to expo instead of the green concrete, wanted so badly to scold the cab driver but he was so old already i couldn't bring myself to scold him.. fortunately reached school at exactly one minute before the bell rang, convinced myself that the old man didn't mean to bring me to expo, it was purely due to his senility (got such word?) and paid the full ten bucks price! hah, how nice of me, right? i wasn't late, so i thought it was okay to pay him full price.

rehearsals and rehearsals all the way till 12AM. YT and KM released us for 75-minutes lunch, back in the holding room with our black outfit plus the nice-nice netty silver scarf, went through full-dress rehearsal.. blow balloons (YC remarked that i had failed as a human being becoz i dunno how to blow balloons... if there is balloon-pump in hand, why should we be able to blow balloons, rite? just like, if there's calculator, why bother calculating 13567 x 27890? it just doesn't make sense.) CY obviously can blow balloons coz i saw twenty to thirty something balloons in the corner nobody else except him was sitting. YT released us for 75-minutes dinner-plus-make up.. had dinner opposite school with the EH, Er, YC and CY but didn't know what to eat; succumbed to my onion ring and sea coconut craving instead..

concert started.. the year twos were so tense before the first piece.. guess we did okay for The Way We Were, but Chimp Chimp Cher-Ee was obviously a rush.. didn't like how it sounded.. didn't like the volume, either.. maybe our Audi accoustics is really quite bad when there's audience around.

interval.. fungus and zen came over.. endlessly teased them.. hahahaha fun!

second half.. did the impromptu thingy for the band (it didn't work quite as successfully as it was planned).. SYF pieces was such a success.. could hear the audience roaring after Dance of the Yao People.. hahaha to think about it, we never failed impressing the audience with that song.. SYF.. College Day.. Concert.. let's see whether the July 6th performance would be like that, too.. we always rushed.. really rushed, and I could feel that Mr.Liaw would be begging us to slow down, but none of us cared.. we continued to rush, even so towards the end of the song.. but the most amazing thing is our ability to rush and stayed together at the same time. The effect is dramatic as we brought the audience from the slow, happy movement to the rapid, intense one. And Ming Xiu is always able to catch the audience's attention with his cymbals..

concert is over.. so thank you for everyone who has made it a success.. thank you thank you, you're far too kind..

may 28, 2005

flew off to surabaya!!
happy fact: the moment lil brother saw me he smiled and hugged me straight away!! teeheee.. stilll as cute as ever.. i love my family!

may 29, 2005
this can't be good.. my throat doesn't feel nice..

may 30, 2005
flu, cough and blocked-nose...

may 31, 2005
fever, difficulty in breathing, flu keeps going..
gulped lots and lots of warm tea

june 1, 2005
fever went away.. still had flu..

june 2, 2005
still a bit of flu.. but could already talk crap with bros and sis, went to hairdresser to rebond my hair..

june 3, 2005
shopped for groceries with mommy, went to gramedia with daddy and sis, went k-boxing at night with cousins..

THERE GOES MY HOLIDAYYYYYY...

june 7, 2005
ASTRO CHALLENGE 2005 @ NUS
Met at 7AM at dining hall.. went off to the bus stop, travelled all the way to buona vista mrt to go NUS.. MCQ was darn hard.. Astrophysics, too.. CK's actually not bad in astrophy.. Model-building: felt useless most of the time.. Michelle and CK did most of the work hahaha.. Treasure Hunt.. our group got third, mainly because Chun Yan was darn knowledgeable about constellations and stars hahaha.. pretty fun day, though can't describe it properly, yeah? start imagining how fun it is to go to school just to study astro..

june 8, 2005
woke up super late!!! sher woke me up at 7.35AM and told me that we were supposed to go to NTU at 8AM! Shittt only have 25 minutes to: 1) bathe 2) iron my uniform and 3) prepare stuff to bring to chalet! damn it damn it. asked sher to go off first but she insisted on waiting. finished doing all those stuff by 8.20AM and rushed off to NTU... actually we arrived there about seven minutes' early.. even had time to go to the farfaraway canteen B to grab some Mac's apple pie.

watched the finals and (yayeeeee!) witnessed some jc's losing to some other jcs. hahahaa. so happy, because that particular jc is so attitude to us. got our certs (very ugly design.. pat said we could have print it ourselves).. went to jurong point.. erlin had her lunch while me, sher and CK went to Comics' Connection.. CK bought a dragonball box with a dragonball character inside. Praying to get a Goku, he opened the box.. only to find that he got Goku's wife. Disappointed, he asked Sher to choose.. still couldn't get Goku. Then he asked me to choose.. still couldn't get! Haha.. this kept going on until the sixth box (which happened to be the last box displayed in the shop).. got Goku at last.

Went to chalet.. changed to my ghost outfit (dark tee and blue jeans), and went off to school to become a ghost for guitar camp.. didn't think we scared off anybody.. Pat looked freaky, though. Went off early to catch the last shuttle bus to the chalet but failed to reach the bus stop on time. Took cab instead...

At chalet: ate the nice-nice barbequed stuff, went to the Pasir Ris beach with Fung, Sher, SW, CK, CL and YS, found a nice stony spot to sit and enjoy the beach at night.. Most satisfying: got to spot Scorpius (Scorpion?), Summer Triangle and Teapot in the sky! Felt tired after the walk to the beach, so I just slept..

june 9, 2005
woke up early in the morning.. about 7AM, to quite a quiet chalet.. most people were sleeping.. except Sher, Fung, SW, redundant CK, YC and YH.. made chocolate toast and coffee.. had a nice breakfast and talked crap by the pool with em..

played cards with some people.. then went off to Downtown East.. had lunch (couldn't decide what to eat so went Sea Coconut again haha).. played bowling (pathetic 56).. played pool (was YC's and my lucky day..).. had a nap.. had barbequed dinner.. talked crap with Sher, Fung and feasible CK (not redundant one), played bridge with some people.. watched Lost (the new tv series about surviving in a remote island after a plane crash).

slept...

june 10, 2005
woke up at 8AM.. checked out from chalet.. had breakfast at Macs.. arrived in hostel.. slept.. woke up.. slept again.. woke up.. slept..

2005-05-25T14:15:00.000-07:00

Rotting in school's Hub now because, for once, there is a gap of three hours between end of lesson and starting of guitar. Plus the fact that there is no schoolwork to be done as tomorrow and friday would be Sports Carnival. My idleness is complete.

Hmmm.. somehow I don't mind guitar practices that last till 9pm. I feel happy when I'm rehearsing, especially so if the whole ensemble hit the correct tune and rhythm throughout. Guitar is my escapism? Likely. Where I can forget about the whole "class" thing and everything else. Hahaha. Sounds damn drama.

Three more days to home.

Was quite surprised when Asih told me that the whole sports carnival and president's challenge thing was bullshit. Somebody please correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems that the school administration was merely after students' money. For a right cause, of course, but I dislike the means they are obtaining it. Fact has it that two of my classmates, who are by nature a sport person, refused to join the run for President's Challenge thing. So CG rep reported these two cases to the teacher-in-charge Rita Wong that the two are involved in organizing the whole Challenge thing, thus they do not need to participate. What Ms Wong then told the CG Rep was quite shocking, "Oh, so your friend Sherwin is not going to participate? But please ask him to donate money." As if it wasn't bad enough, shamelessly she repeated the same line when CG rep told her about the other classmate-Kar Gea.

Yucks...

I'm giving a second thought about running 2.8km tomorrow. I hate the way they use sports to do this.

Will be replacing Yas for basketball, though.

Nothing much to blog nowadays...

bittersweet

2005-05-17T21:51:00.000-07:00

i'm in! i'm in! i'm in astro challenge.
nevermind i'm in team two, team one is for the smarter ppl..
i get to compete, that's good enough :)
my team members: jazz, gorilla, michelle and chun yen :D

on another note, a sadder one:
haiyah, i'm quite sickened by certain someone
it's like, i do SO MUCH for her FOR NOTHING
she doesn't even have the grace to thank me
not in words, let alone in actions
so, i think I SHOULD GIVE UP
i was super pissed that i felt like crying during lesson
it was too much to bear really
so irritating for what
so selfish
blablabla

let's not think about it
just look forward for brighter stuff, like going home...
twelve more days!

Counting Down: Two Weeks!

2005-05-15T22:05:00.000-07:00

Exactly two weeks before my departure to Surabaya! Yayeee! Many things to be done include practicing real hard for guitar concert and guitar performance on College Day (this week there are five practices!), studying for astro challenge (if i am in), and buy present for daddy (his birthday was march 22) and lil bro (birthday coming.. may 19), and of course, collect my ticket home.

Anyway, today I encountered an SMU advertisement printed on one of Saturday Times' page.. there were five people wearing all sorts of different clothes jumping. They are apparently five freshmen in SMU. I sorta glanced through the names of the people, and I was rather surprised to note that I know TWO of the people!

Phuong, a Vietnamese senior in SCGS and Alvin, an Indonesian SJI senior, both of which lived in CJC Hostel with me in 2002. And below their names there was a brief list of their achievements. TUINGGGG. Somehow I was led to think that THIS was supposed to be the fate of scholars. Then TUIIINNGG. My mind flashed back to Wednesday's talk with some Permanent Secretary of Defense in school.. and was reminded about how arrogant Singapore is as a country. So TUIIINGGG. Made up my mind that NO NO DIE DIE I'M NOT GONNA BE A SINGAPOREAN. Yeah. If I have to be a PR to work, okay, I'll take it. But after my bond is over, I'm just gonna let it go and be a normal working Indonesian adult. Really. There's no way I'm parting with some of my loyalty to a country that seems to see my country as chaotic.

WOOOOPS! Better not saying this out loud! Even if only written in my blog, I could get sued. Remember the PSC Scholar's case? Bleah. And they dare to think that they're a democratic country.

Flashback...
Friday, May 13, 2005

A tiring day! Went to school, sat for FM Statistics test which I think I'm gonna flunk (first question, worth 18 marks, I seriously have no clue on how to tackle it), studied for Astro Test during lecture periods (in other words, I skipped lectures) with Jazz in library. Was very very happy getting 25.5 for GP essay. After school, studied Astro again in Library with Jazz again, Jia En and Hazel joining this time. At 2.30pm, went for guitar all the way till 6pm. The rehearsal in Audi was damn sucky what with the rat-like Jagit Than nagging at us, treating us like shit. Went to Bedok Central to buy flowers for Asih and Kenneth, but by the time we reach ACS (B) Hall, the petal have either shriveled or dropped off. Decided not to give the flowers to them becoz they are terribly unsightly.

Una Voce was a very enjoyable concert, except for some performances, such as the Year 2 Chorus and the Alumni performance. The concert started off well with a good choice of pieces, but it became boring when the Year 2 sang under the student conductors. The first half was then ended when they sing Bin-Nam-Ma!, the choir's choice piece for this year's SYF, at which they have obtained a gold. It was REALLY REALLY WELL-PERFORMED. The movements, the sound effects (sirene, water coming) and the choreography was really well-planned. Intermission lasted for twenty minutes before the second half of the concert was started with the Alumni taking over the stage. Sadly, sadly, even with Charles' presence, the performance wasn't good.. it was too draggy. I even STONED when I listened to them. After three songs which I could only say "so-so" the Broadway Production started. Highly entertaining with their colourful costumes and beautiful choreography, the Choir presented West Side Story, Miss Saigon and The Panthom of The Opera. Asih looked real 'bitchy' and prostitute-like (LOL) while Kenneth really really looked like a panthom. Heehee. Overall, it was a nice concert, much better compared to last year :D This time: SERIOUSLY worth the time and money!

After the concert, went to have supper with the direct Malaysians... hmm.. YC, EH, KL, FC, A, K, (okey the last two refers to Adrian and Kenny.. "A" and "K" looked funny haha). Initially there were CY, CL and KW, but the three went off earlier. Anyway, we ate at the famous Newton hawker centre.. had stingray with EH, KL, FC, yummy but was hot, and shared carrot cake with YC. Fell in love with sea coconut! Haha. I swear it's gonnabe my favourite dessert.

Reached home at 12.15AM. Smelt satay and smoke from my shirt. Bathed and.. collapsed.

Saturday, May 14, 2005
Early morning at 7am, was woken up by EH's knocking on my door. Brushed my teeth, washed my face, and then I was off to school for guitar practice. Was quite pissed off knowing that some actually said that we guitar people did not put in effort for concert :(

Reached home at about 12, only with CY this time because YC and EH went to celebrate KL's birthday in Orchard while Pat had some Exco meeting. Met Fungus on the way back, had lunch, decided to have dinner-cum-supper at Old Airport road :D because me, Fung, YZ and CF had never been there before. Slept for the whole afternoon, woke up at 5pm and studied Astro, went off to Ol' Airport at 8pm. Ate stingray, carrot cake and satay, plus sea coconut of course. Went back by 10.30pm, bathed and took the difficulllltttt astro test at 11pm. Filed my stuff, read Time magazine and slept.

WHAT A DAY...

Oh yeah! And in the morning, was quite intrigued by YC's question, "After the night out yesterday (referring to fri 13/05), are you still scared of Adrian?".
What a rhetorical question!!!!!!
OF COURSE! HOW NOT TO BE SCARED OF HIM, PRAY TELL??
Okay, generally (chen-nerally, quoting mr.goh) he's a funny and nice guy, but perhaps must be a bit extra sensitive when talking to him. That's why he's scary: one can't afford to insult him. Even when it is unintended. So yeah. Till the day I am sensitive enough, I'd still be scared.

2005-05-09T19:33:00.000-07:00

hmmm. monday's good; mainly because of NO PE!! Can you believe that? No PE! I was praying for the sun to be a lil tamer by afternoon but it would just shine strong... When the clock stroke three pm today and Mrs Yong released us from class, I just ate up the thought that I'd get REAL BLACK, SWEATY, AND UNCOMFORTABLE after PE today.. let alone the thought that PE would be damn sticky due to weather. I walked.. walked to the Sports Complex, when Timo suddenly told us that PE was cancelled due to the many sports events held in TJ that day. Initially I din't believe him; he must have been up to something (again), but when Yi Zhen, the ever reliable Yi Zhen, told me so, too, I jumped with joy straightaway. HEY, MIRACLES DO HAPPEN!

but tuesday won't be good. I have F.Maths Test. The last Mechanics test for the year! YAyeeee.. I'd better ace it, or else!

2005-05-05T16:31:00.000-07:00

Maggie said, ‘The real tie lies in the feelings and expectations we have raised in other minds. Else all pledges might be broken, when there was no outward penalty. There would be no such thing as faithfulness

Life is very difficult. It seems right to me sometimes that we should follow our strongest feeling; - but then, such feelings continually come across the ties that all our former life has made for us - the ties that have made others dependent on us - and would cut them in two. If life were quite easy and simple, if life did not make duties for us before love comes - love would be a sign that two people ought to belong to each other. But I see - I feel it is not so now: there are things we must renounce in life. Many things are difficult and dark to me - but I see one thing quite clearly - that I must not, cannot seek my own happiness by sacrificing others. Love is natural - but surely, faithfulness and memory are too. And they would live in me still, and punish me if I didn’t obey them. I should be haunted by the suffering that I had caused. Our love would be poisoned.

‘If we acted with the thinking that the feeling which draws us towards each other is too strong to be overcome, that natural law surmounts every other and we can’t help what it clashes with, there would be a warrant for all treachery and cruelty - we should justify breaking the most sacred ties that can ever be formed on earth. If the past is not to bind us, where can duty lie? We should have no law but the inclination of the moment.‘
Maggie did not answer immediately. ‘That seems right - at first - but when I look further, I’m sure it is not right. Faithfulness and constancy mean something else besides doing what is easiest and pleasantest to ourselves. They mean renouncing whatever is opposed to the reliance others have in us - whatever would cause misery to those whom the course of our lives have made dependent on us. I have never said, “They shall suffer, that I may have joy.”‘

Stephen burst out, ‘You don’t love me - if you had the tithe of the feeling for me that I have for you, - it would be impossible for you to think for a moment of sacrificing me. But it weighs nothing with you that you are robbing me of my life’s happiness.’

Maggie replied, ‘No - I don’t sacrifice you - I couldn’t sacrifice you. But I can’t believe in a good for you, that I feel - that we both feel is a wrong towards others. We can’t choose happiness either for ourselves or for another - we can’t tell where that will lie. We can only choose whether we will indulge ourselves in the present moment or whether we will renounce that for the sake of obeying the divine voice within us - for the sake of being true to all the motives that sanctify our lives. I know that belief is hard - it has slipped from me again and again; but I have felt that if I let it go for ever, I should have no light through the darkness of this life.

-courtesy of adrianloo.com

Thankful because I came across this... I would have forgotten.

besame muchoooo

2005-05-02T22:20:00.000-07:00

goodbye...

felt kinda funny for not letting friends know what i did this afternoon before going to times' book sale, but i still think everyone needs a bit of space for herself, a private zone which nobody shall step in..

it's nice to have friends around, to share bits of one's life with others. however, some things are better left unsaid --especially for a natural introvert like me :)

seek to understand, and you shall be understood. haha.

anyway, on another note,sometimes i think life is rather unfair.. no matter what position one takes, one is still the wrong party. at times, the damage done is irreversible; so besides the negative feeling experienced because of being blamed, one still has to bear the long-term sore due to destructed friendship(s).

i wish you could understand how difficult was my position. how it was made even more difficult by your withdrawal. how it took me months to get over it.. haha. even until now, i think i'm not completely over it.. the remains of the friendship stays with me; part of me don't want to part with it, still waiting for the time when the friendship could be rebuilt. i don't know why i insist.. perhaps because with you, i could have long conversations about literally everything and be sure that you are listening. and even the silent moments with you felt so comfortable. i guess a person like you is what i really can call a friend :) but i don't know whether you feel the same way.. haiya.

Haha: Gold, with Honours!

2005-04-30T11:32:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, April 27
Woke up at 12.40pm (yes, PM) because my body just won't compromise a little that morning. Intended to go to school for lesson that day because I didn't want to miss physics lecture and GP video sessions; but even when I managed to make it up to ironing my uniform in the morning, I collapsed straightaway on my bed once I reached the room. Hmm. Perhaps even with a "bom" sound... Went to school for guitar, though, that being the very last day before SYF itself. After about two hours of practice, Meng dismissed us home, hoping that we would have a good rest and that we wouldn't be bothered by any tutorials to do. Haha. For the first time in dunno-how-many-wednesdays, we could reach home when sky was still bright and the dining hall was still buzzing with people. Haha. Ironically, though, I couldn't sleep early. Did a bit of Astro project here and there, and go sleep at about 12.30am. On days I should't sleep early, I sleep early. On days I should sleep early, I don't. Hah.

Thursday, April 28
Happily ironing my shirt and pants right in the morning (about 5.40am), and then proceeded to iron my ugly-cheapo blue tie which is half-crumpled already. Right before I pressed the iron on to the tie, I felt a tinge of fear, "what if I burn this?" but I quickly dismissed it as I thought crumpled tie would be equally as bad as burnt tie. My, how I should have trusted my intuition more than my logic! I pressed the iron on the mid-point of the tie and tried to move the iron along the tie when I realised.. it wouldn't move! I then attempted to lift the iron, and after a bit of addition of pulling force, I managed to lift it.. To my horror, a white patch was resulted right in the middle of the tie, because the blue fibre had all shrinked to the edge of the tie!!! DAMNIT. Of all unlucky day, why should it be that day?? So I quickly turned off the iron, grab my costume and ran to the room, with a surprisingly calm voice asking Fungus, "Do you think Meng is up? Do you think Meng is up?", grabbed my phone, started smsing, then only showed signs of franticness and started screaming. Hahaha. Was a really terrible morning!
The atmosphere was equally tense throughout the morning-afternoon practice session, especially with Mr.Leow asking us not to rush when playing. And it was still equally as tense in the bus, especially more tense in the SCH itself. But somehow, I wasn't nervous.. I was looking at other schools' costumes and admiring RJC guitar club's elegant and well-dressed members.. was admiring the features of SCH, too (there was this ethnic 'instrument' in the foyer just before we entered the concert hall) and the percussion instruments brought by other schools (their bongo was obviously VERY big and tall).
We then entered the concert hall, which wasn't very big actually, and played our pieces. I could feel (every one of us could feel) that we were playing at an extremely high speed. The best part, though, was the fact that Dance of Yao People was a combination of a high speed and low speed movements. We played the low speed at the speed we normally practice, but we played the high speed movements in a faster rate, so audience (and judges) could really see the contrast between the two! And the effect was "fantastic", as quoted by Jejes, who happened to be one of SAJC guitar club's member. Another thing was the ending of the song, which Mr.Leow had said as "always very good" which involved a lot of chord-tremolo, strumming, compounded by Ming Xiu's percussion, and of course, Mr.Leow's well-thought-of dynamics... it resulted in a "thunderous" ending, said Gina. The second song, Besame Mucho (Spanish, meaning I Want to Kiss You So Much) was very expressive.. as in, I could see all of us enjoying ourselves, immersing our souls into the song. Even "my son", Zhong Yi smiled all the way and shoke heads and was not, for once, a wooden block. THERE, I see how Mr.Leow's pick of songs had worked perfectly well.. one seemingly high-technique song (playing songs with a lot of varying tempo was not easy!), and one expressive, jazzy song.
But of course, I didn't realise all this at that point of time... all I could think of was that we were rushing, rushing, rushing.. can't we slow down, coz I saw Mr.Leow's face and hand begging us to slow down, but we couldn't do it.. and the comments he gave us right after the performance! "Dance of Yao was okay.. but Besame was a bit too rushed". Personally, I thought that we could do better.. I mean, we DID IT in Audi during rehearsals, why couldn't we do it in SCH?
The most nerve-wrecking part was, of course, when the result was announced. The emcee went by order of performance, which means that TJC, being the last performer, had to go through all the joys screamed by all other schools when their results were announced.. Then it started.. VJ..gold.. NJ..gold.. Hwa Chong..gold.. Tampines..gold ("shittt! how could tampines got a gold???" was the majority response among us).. Meridien.. gold.. ("whoaaaa! Mr.Leow's other guitar club got a gold!").. and then... RJC.. gold.. there, I realized, gold has been awarded to six junior colleges. And there were only fourteen or fifteen junior colleges performing in the competition.. is there a slot still??? Or damnit will we get silver instead?? SAJC.. silver.. GT hundred something (our register no).. (I was leaning my head on Pat's shoulder, fearing anything that coming out from the emcee's mouth).. TJC.. gold.. (a pause) with honours..
*SCREAM OF JOY AND SATISFACTION*
*TJ Cheerr*
*handshake and hugging session..*
Oh man, remembering all these, I could just CRY. It was too much. Gold, with honours! The only school (secondary and JC) in Singapore who got gold with honours! MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.
The bus ride back to school was super happy, everybody was gay and there were smiles and laughters and photo-snappings and all.. so FUN. Imagine the feeling of being the best in Singapore.

Me, Pat, Eng Hooi and Choong Yoon then proceeded to celebrate our victory by having dinner at Swensen's..... YUM.. and all paid by CY... I mean, we all borrow his money hahaha.

and here goes the thank-you list...
for all the people who have helped me to pack dinner for me throughout the past four months,
for those who have put up with the craziness i experienced after guitar practices,
for hui lin the best CI ever who patiently teaches us besame chords and tremolo
for the well-wishers,
for eng hooi, pat and choong yoon for always being such a joy,
for the besame mucho session in visitor's lounge,
for my section members (pat, clara, hui lin, meng-minus-scolding, zhong yi, marcus),
of course for my roommate who always (1) attempts to prevent me from sleeping right after guitar prac (2) never trusts me when i say "i'm not sleepy" (3) push me to do homework (4) buy maggie mee for me when i want, but (5) prevents me from eating more than two maggies per week,
and to my loving parents who have bought me Firsty for my fourteenth birthday gift
THANK YOU THANK YOU WON'T MADE IT WITHOUT YOU.

That's all folks. I've been in front of the comp for one hour plus! I shall mug this weekend. The success of the guitar club was not without the sacrifice of my studies, you know..

To Guitar SYF Central Judgement: THREE DAYS.

2005-04-25T21:33:00.000-07:00

Have been days of practices and practices for the Guitar SYF this coming Thursday. I really hope we can achieve our target: GOLD. Anything less then I'd seriously be upset.

It's gonna be at SCH and we're the last guitar club to perform. Lalala. Goodbye to any opportunity of seeing other JCs' performances..

PE today was very 'funny' again, as the second session of the handball elective took place. It was a forty-minutes session of throwing and passing balls. Next week's gonna be Labour Day, so it's off PE, which means we can only get to attack next next week. Haiyah.

On another note,
SOMETHING HAPPENED TODAY. But I'm not disclosing what thing it is. Huahahahaha.

Not much of a blogger nowadays, am I?

memang langkahmu memang gerakmu lalalala

2005-04-21T15:41:00.000-07:00

Waiting for Physics "S" and seriously did not know what else to do. Hm. Perhaps should go buy newspaper soon, I haven't bought one today.
Will be getting SYF outfit today. A white shirt.
Will be having a one-hour sectionals after Physics S.
PASSED MY PHYSICS TEST! Wuahahhahahaha. To recall the fact that I didn't touch my notes, I feel super proud.
Passed my Statistics test, too.
Ah. But I failed my Chem test--which I thought was easy.
Isn't it obvious which subject(s) that I just can't get?
Joanne got a Bronzey-Silver-Bronzey for three events. Would you say an all-rounder? Three events, three medals.
Slept quite a lot recently and it definitely feels good.
But ate quite a few maggie mee also! Bad for body, bad for brain.
:( Spent fifty-five bucks only on guitar stuff. YUCKS.
Haven't been jogging for dunno-how-many-weeks! No mass PE = no running.
PE Electives sucked. Super silliated. Hope it gets better next week.
Bored of blogging. BB.

2005-04-15T21:10:00.000-07:00

PW Results have been released and I got a YUMMY band two! Bwahahahahhahah. Was so happy I decided to eat Pizza Hut for lunch with Asih, Winnie and Jazz. I mean, I was so scared I would get a band three, so when i finally knew that I obtained a band two, I was really relieved; even flying. Adrian got a band two, too, while Jia En and Kenneth got a modest band three. I have nothing much to say about those two, because mean as my following sentence will be, I think it's the truth: They deserve band three. I mean, OBVIOUSLY PW didn't seem to give those two that much stress at all while Adrian and I literally went through hell because of that. Hmm. On second thought, I think Adrian's hell was worse than mine.

Anyway! Let's put the past behind us and move on. There's too much other stuff to worry about (relative to fretting): improving GP grades, Guitar SYF (28 April) and of course, "A" levels.

TJC Dance obtained "Gold with Honours" for SYF 2005! Wowww! Congrats, Chee Kiang/Chee K/Sick-Kiang/CK/Chiki. Don't remove your make up yet. I want to see you in make up! Wahahahahaa. Doll-like or what?

Hmm.. Statistics test was hard for me. Maybe because I didn't have enough sleep (or rather, didn't have good sleep), or it was simply one of those days when I became stupid. Haha. Maybe I flunked that test already :p Wooopsie!

Joanne's not in again. She's forever practicing her Wushu, leaving me rotting in the room!! :( Her competition's this coming week, so it's understandable. Still, I can't help feeling lonely, liao. Maybe go kacau EH and YH again tonight.. bwahahhaa. ANd gossipgossipgossipp!

Gold-Inspired

2005-04-14T21:41:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to myself for being placed in band four for GP combined-lesson. As a result, I gotta do one newspaper review per day. Nevermind. Will do anything to improve my language.

Hmm. I got back my essay (the one on limit on science, written last thursday) and I was really concerned. It's not exactly about the marks I got (18/50, which obviously is pretty bad, but is not unexpected given my state of mind when writing it), but more of the TONE of it. Discussed the essay with Mrs. Yong at the end of the class, and I was shocked to know that my essay made her believe that I am this self-centred free thinker who absolutely condones religions AND who begod Science. To top it all, she said that she had the impression that one of my paragraph sounded like "thrown in for the sake of saying that there exist these nuts religious groups".

SO, instead of being so concerned about the essay I'm writting, I took a step back and try to reflect during my "lonely bus ride" home. (Ummm actually not that lonely anymore coz I've got my wonderful wonderful MP3 player already! Bwaaahahahaha).
Have I changed that much?
Did this ****ing place really transform me to such extent?
I don't remember being this cold-hearted and practical. Thought I always more of the compassionate ones, with principles.
Cut it off. Apparently that's not the case. What have I been doing? WHAT? *knocks self*

Hmmmm...
CONGRATULATIONS TO SCGS SYMPHONIC BAND!
Gold for SYF 2005! GOLD GOLD GOLD, FIRST GOLD!
Bwahahhhahaaaa. How could I even think that it was impossible? It's Gold, man. If it's achievable for them, the used-to-be another silver band, even degraded to bronze four years back, then I should think it's achievable for TJC Guitar Ensemble, too.
Bwahahhaaaa. I'm so out of point.
Anyway. VERY HAPPY for them. So I shall work hard to achieve the same level of happiness, yesh? No ponning, No late-coming, All-focusing, And Please Do The Hand Exercise Before You Sleep.

Uh. PW Results tomorrow. Good luck to self. If I get a Band Two I'll be flying high in the sky already, who cares about the others' results. I swear my friday is not gonna be destroyed by whatever result I get.

Haven't had my dinner :( And it's 9.35pm already. Happy starving or maggie-mee-ing. Haiya, roommate! Hurry come back! I'm LONELY. Bwahahhaa. My roommate's name's Joanne, by the way. :p

Betta get back to my studying, tmr I've got my first statistics test. It should be managable. And I want to proove to myself that I'm better in this, at least, than [censored]. Maybe not for other things. Just this. Please.

I Need A Break

2005-04-07T22:25:00.000-07:00

School has nowadays been such a chore to me! I have to reallyreally drag myself up from bed each day, get a realllyyy good wash-up (like bathe in the morning) in order to get myself really in the "wakeywakey" mode. If this is insufficient, I have to gulp a cup of coffee early in the morning (or buy a can in school) to jerk my system up. Despite all these efforts, though, I still find myself half-dead in class.

VERY not interested with whatever the teachers got to say (well, maybe not mechanics or chem).
Don't feel like listening to them.
Don't feel like listening to friends' comments during GeePee.
Don't feel like correcting my tuts.
Sick of some of the teachers (talk toilet already).
Lectures are way too boring.

Schooooollll is baaaaaad for the development of braiiiiinnnnn.. so Einstein proved. And Nash. As in John Nash the mathematician in the movie A Beautiful Mind.

Sick and tireedddd.

The four-guitar-pracs-per-week does little but worsen things, actually.

Fortunately, there is always a lil beat of comfort knowing then when I head home (where home equals hostel), I'd be a cheered up a bit. Hahaha. Crapping with hostel gals is the way to go. Plus watching TV, coffee-ing with roommate or.. just laze around. Hahaz. If only I could take a one-month leave and come back to school without losing anything, I'd be more than glad...... I seriously need a break.

Hmm. Read de papers and Straits Times covered this Dheepan guy.. ok, not a guy but a BOY, 9 years old, whose limbs are so.. twisted.. outwards and strangely I straightaway felt so touched and moved, I burst into tears. Haiz.. here is a boy whose dream is as simple as walking with his own two legs, who has to learn for four whole months before he could hold a pencil and write (coz of his twisted palms), who has to be a burden for his family and has to live with that fact for the rest of his life. I mean, how painful it is to be in his shoes? To know that if your parents don't throw you out of the house, it's very good already because of the vast trouble you give them? Something inside is calling.. can almost hear it saying, "Do something! Do something!" but I don't know what to do! I guess it was the intuition of becoming a doctor creeping back again.. I mean, surely the medical science, given the rate it's going now, could give hope to such cases? Make the world better, guess that was the message. Haihhhh.. I thought I made up my mind to just give the medicine dream up, as what my parents have wished. But can I? Can I really give it upp?

When uncertainty strikes, the best policy is to just ignore it, and try to get movin with my life. Yes?

Yes.

2005-04-02T23:55:00.000-08:00

I'm just wondering what is wrong with me?? I just can't stop laughing nowadays. Wait. Edit that. OUTSIDE CLASS, I just can't stop laughing. Whoever I am with, I just keep feeling HAPPY-RAINBOW-HAPPYYY. Suppose it's a good thing? But I don't seem to understand why I can't do that in class. Well, I just can't. LOOK AT THE PEOPLE LAAAA. I mean, except for some, the rest are BLEAH.

And what the hell is it with Chan Wai Lee? Fine, okay, I am a person quite undeserving of taking up 2-S paper subjects, because looking at my grades, it's just "like that only". But seriously, does he have to undermine me to that extent? Irritating. For his information, I never think he's smart.. he's just hardworking. Smart people will be someone like Paul or Kenneth or Benedict. Sheeeeesh. (quote enquote Winnie).

I don't care already la. Don't care about what others think. Don't care don't care don't care!!! Im happyyy being me.. Whateverrrr.. let's be an AP girl..

YAYEEEE!

2005-03-28T22:00:00.000-08:00

2.4k timing: 16'25"
THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO RUN WITH ME: WINNIE + SHERWIN!
BIGGG THANKS
to ASIH, my beloved pacer!
Yayyyeeeee.
I made it I made it.
And I have rewarded myself a can of H2O (sadly, 7Eleven didn't have the Original Flavour today.. so I had to drink Sparkling..)
I made it I made it.
I am sooo not over it soon.
Hahhaa
Byebye...

my future room...

2005-03-27T21:49:00.000-08:00

Okay so I attempted to (finally) give the design of my future room in the new house (in Indo) some thoughts today. Drafted a few sketches here and there but didn't exactly come to any conclusion.. WHY? Simply, because too many demands made by self about the room.

Demand One: study table has to be BIG (that boils down to something like 2 by 1 or 2.5 by 1, all units measured in metres) and it has to be located near the window leading to the balcony.
Demand Two: bookshelf, cd player, and guitar has to be within arm's reach as long as i'm on my bed.
Demand Three: die die also has to have dressing table, because as I grow up, I believe I gotta put on make-up. (and the room won't be occupied by me until I am something like 22-23 years old..).
Demand Four: laptop should be located on the study table (because it should be able to assist my work) BUT has to be quite near to the bed, too. This is really tricky, remembering that my room is not gonnabe big and all.

I tried a few furniture arrangements, but it didn't quite work out as I expected. Hmm.. Architecture is tough!
With Sherly's help (a self-inspiring architect-to-be), the last arrangement turned out to be a not-bad-plan. Still, I'm not totally satisfied. Not yet. She proposed wardrobe instead of closet, while I am actually DYING to have a closet. Hahaha.

GoogleSearch sucks. I wanted to see what designs of bed could match my room theme, but none of the bed images displayed look outstanding.

Anyway. Still didn't do much stuff except for Taggie's tutorial... Lolz.

Oh yeah, I ran (tried to keep to my twice a week run) but it sucked coz in the middle of the running I felt like peeing. Was struggling to keep my pace while hold my pee (OKAY IT'S DISGUSTING BUT ANYWAY), when it started to drizzle. Okay. No luck today, so I stopped at the 2km mark. WtTooT.

Fungus is back Yayyeeeeeeeeeeeee! No more sleeping with fears (blame The Eye 10 for that. It had the same effect with Sherly!). I couldn't even bring myself to go down to first floor to buy drinks (because of the lift scene) NOR bring myself to the pantry to make some coffee (because was scared of the sound of spoon and cup clashing would attract ghosts).. so I was left dehydrated because of my paranoia. Goodnesss!

Haiyaa.. now I keep thinking and thinking about what my room should look like.. what a distraction. Should have been able to focus more! :(

Off to do my laundry...

2005-03-26T14:30:00.000-08:00

Ms. Congeniality 2 rocks! (watched it with Asih at Great Wall City.. fab place to watch movie!)
I love the part when Sandra Bullock said something about after being 'different' from the rest of the kids and being the unpopular one for several years, one might get scared to be involved in any relationship at all (with friends or with opp sex).. because one can't help wonder whether one is worth loving.
That aside, it is one funny drama that we gurls should watch :D entertaining! I'd give it 3 stars outta 5.

Came Good Friday, initially I wasted the morning just going online, catching up with friends' lives (u noe, blogs) and updating my song-bank by downloading more songs. After lunch, though, Jol and ChoongYoon (henceforth called Brit) asked me to watch a movie, so we did =D together with EngHooi and YiChin. The movie was The Eye 10 (which, by the way, has no relation with The Eye or The Eye 2), and it was fun! Yupp, I finally can like horror movie! Haha.. it was scary, of course, the face of the ghosts is just so.. unforgettable. At the same time, it was spastic, too LOL. It's like watching a funny horror show (but not quite ScaryMovie-like) and um, I love it! (okay i am soooo making sense here). After that, went shopping at Level One coz Brit said he wanted a chain. Jol and I ended up buying a loop earrings, abt 5cm in diameter +D So happieee. Been wanting such earrings (after my old one rusted).

There goes my dayyyy... without doing any work =(

Today, started off as early as 7.30 am (OKAY, it was more like 7.35 but anyway) because scholars had this ASEAN Undergraduate Scholarship Talk (which, by and large, is rather useless and utterly BORING). The fun part was when I met up with old friendssssss! I MISS THEM SOOO MUCHHHOOO! (quote enquote Erlin). Jackline, Jejes, Merry, EngTze, MELISSA!, Hanh, Lan, and Wan Xin and of course we were soo engrossed by each other we hardly listen to the talk ('twas useless anyway). Catching up with old friend is alwaysssss fun! Oh yeah and I got a belated birthday pressie from Jejes.. a metallic pink lipstick! YAy. I love the colour...

And OMG, Eng Tze has given herself a TATTOOO! Now how cool is that??

I am getting kinda sleepyyyy... bbb..

2005-03-25T11:03:00.000-08:00

Buwahahahhaa.
I love teasing Jazzzzzz and Sherwinnn!!! LOLZ. I love seeing Jazz's red face and "EEeEEEiiii"s as well as Sherwin's attempts to keep a straight face whenever we start teasing.

And teeee-heeee i solved Asih's puzzle on "Petals Around The Rose!"
Actually, the solution isn't totally surprising...
I think I shouldn't have read the Professor's statement on how it involved "simple mathematics", coz it really affected the way I saw the problem.
Hmm, so go figure, peeps!

Teaching Award, here I come! I seriously want to win this, or perhaps even the Teaching Scholarship (whoo big dreamer, am I not? but a girl can dream!). Since my parents don't allow me to study in Indonesia, I should have all rights to decide what I want to do OUTSIDE Indonesia, right? I believe I've put across the message that I might have to convert my citizenship if I continue studying here, but it doesn't seem to be a problem to them, so why not?

Seeing them responding that way, I can't help to think whether or not I am actually worth their love, whether or not they just don't want me to be around.

Celebrated She Weay's birthday yesterday with pizza, soda drinks and coke-bursting (dya call it that?) sessions. Typically teenagey.

Not much of a blogger nowadays, am I? Off to mug...

2005-03-23T21:28:00.000-08:00

Haizzz! I don't know why when the last thing I want to think about is my future, suddenly the whole world start to revolve around it.
Like the career talk in school today.
Like the career exhibition.
Like a friend blog's entry.
Like a friend asking my opinion about dropping subject.

The brightsparks talk reinforced my view that it's actually okay to make mistakes about your education choice.. It's not as if I regretted coming to Singapore (I did learn much stuff here), but I don't wanna stay. I wanna go back and go study medicine. Keiz, made a mistake by agreeing coming here (think about the PR-citizenship thing already), and now wanna rectify that mistake by goin back, but parents disagreed :( Just because they don't want to be blamed for choosing the wrong path for me last time. (I don't blame them, 'twas my own decision to come here, but I guess relatives and friends won't think of it that way, so, too bad!)

Career exhibition... was only interested in the MOE teaching scholarship. Guess I'm born to teach. (Anyway, no way of studying Medicine here, me being double-maths student and alll...) The starting salary is almost $3,000 and I didn't mind that lolz. (Haha, that means more about seventeen million rupiahs!!!). So prolly that's it for me if I were to continue studying here.

Quite interested in Bachelor of Science (Real Estate), too, actually =D It has something to do with architecture, civil engineering and finance. Hmm. Multi-disciplinary subject! Dunno la. But the prospect of teaching (and lecturing, and researching) is waaayyyy more tempting to me than trying to estimate the value of property.

Blah blah...

Anyway, what a friend was saying is kinda valid:
When there are all those talks about scholarships and all (and how good you should be in order to get those scholarships), I just can't help feeling so transparent... as if people's eyes can see right through me :( I know most prolly this is only my feeling, but what would tutors and Singaporean students (no offense, really!) be thinking, seeing me and other foreign scholarship holders, being paid for by their government (a.k.a. their parents' money), yet not doing well at all in school?

I don't think I deserve the word "scholar".
And seriously, even if it does look glam and prestigious from outside (even on resume, yes), but then it is seriously not LIKE THAT once you're in.
What is there is just: people's expectation about you and how to meet that expectation. And of course, the feeling as if being watched.
I personally think it will make you accustomed to putting people's interest before you, and you end up having no time for yourself.

btw, click here for a bit of fun:
http://crux.baker.edu/cdavis09/roses.html

2005-03-22T22:04:00.000-08:00

Read a friend's blog just now (yup instead of researching for GP), and I came across a phrase that sounds something like this:
"with *peeeeppp* i know i can be myself, i don't need to pretend to be someone who i am not"
and i found myself laughing.
i think it's because we always think that in front of the person we really like/love/are infatuated with, we are supposed to be able to act as ourselves.
but the thing is, this is reallllyyy hard to do.
i've observed, from personal experiences or from friends' experiences, even when i observe mom-dad's relationship, it still doesn't work out that way.
facades are still put, some feelings are suppressed.

come to think of it, will we ever act as ourselves when loved ones are around?
i know we can when good friends are around... but why we insist that in front of someone we like, we would be acting as ourselves? would be feeling comfortable?
argh. i just dont understand la.

i am so tired of the routines. of the usual wake-uppp-in-da-morning and go go catch the bus to school, come back to hostel, dinner-ing and doing homework.
"there's gotta be more to life", said stacey oricco.
i want a break (as if i haven't had one week of them)...
stop this boredom! somebody saves me...
i just wanna LIVE.
like Van Minh. (Jas, tis is referring to ur book...)

2005-03-22T21:05:00.000-08:00

Been long since I was last online.
Mom and Dad came down but most of the days were spent in our room, they kept falling ill and all (fever plus flu). Plus the not-so-good mood they brought since the moment they landed in Singapore.
So, the visit didn't leave much impression on me, let alone motivate me to work hard to make them proud.
If there was any effect, it was successful in boosting my ego.
Because they made it clear to me that my opinion about my own education would never be important enough to change their minds about what I should do for my future.
Since the very beginning, I have shown that I have no interest whatsoever in finance-related stuff or management. It is OBVIOUS that I am destined to do something in the field of Science or Mathematics. Even if I digress, I should be in some scientific fields such as engineering or medicine.
And they keep pushing me to take up some management stuff, some finance stuff, some economics stuff which I have no interest. Just because they want me to make it big in some MNCs.
And I've made it clear that life here is not fulfilling, is too lop-sided. I don't have enough emotional balance, don't have enough joy. I long for my lost and soon-to-be-over teenagehood. I long to be back there, where my roots lie, where my heart belongs.
Yup, and they came down all the way here only to say that I have to, at the very least, study in NUS. If I seriously don't want to, they don't mind sending me off to Canada or Australia and pay for my first year education, but I got to promise that I will win a scholarship/loan/bursary for the subsequent years.
Damnit, what's the point?
They just don't get me.
What the hell.
I don't care already, I don't evel feel like give my future education any thoughts. I don't feel like planning. I just leave it to flow, let God take over, I give up my control. Just do whatever I can do now, don't give a damn about what happens next.
Coz when I insist of controlling my life, SOME PEOPLE will just go and seize that control from me, as if I owe them something.

bye.. must go do my GP examples (wooopie been procastinatin'!)