5:44 PM
Friday, October 28, 2005
drunk and i'm feeling downand i just wanna be alonei'm pissed cause you came aroundwhy don't you just go home?cause you channel all your painand i can't help to fix myselfyour making me insaneall i can say isi tear my heart open, i sow myself shutmy weakness is that i care too muchmy scars remind me that the past is reali tear my heart open just to feeli tried to help you oncea kiss will only visei saw you going downbut you never realizedthat your drowning in the waterso i offered you my handcompassions in my naturetonight is our last dancei'm drunk and i'm feeling downand i just wanna be aloneyou shouldn't ever came aroundwhy don't you just go home?cause your drowning in the waterand i tried to grab your handand i left my heart openbut you didn't understandbut you didn't understandyou fix yourselfi can't help you fix yourselfbut at least i can say i triedi'm sorry but i gotta move on with my own life[
scars - papa roach]
somehow felt that this song very aptly described my emotional torture last night yeah. for the past two days (
ok, three including today, but so far i haven't broken down yet.. so counted? not counted?) been feeling down, down, down.. combinations of reasons, i s'ppose, but there is always a major factor.
eh he he... i noticed that, these days, when i'm having bad mood, it's usually because of one thing: people taking me for granted. there were two incidents last week in particular, and there were some this week, but mostly it happens throughout. which sometimes make me question, man what did i do to deserve all these??? but then again, there is always a spark of light in all this darkness.. despite all those being unappreciated both mentally and physically by some, i guess there really exist some who really, really understand me, my nature, and who can accept me for who i am. those, are the peeps i can call
real. you see, everybody started off at equal grounds in this game of friendships, but time does its elimination job.. after a while, i am bound to see others' true colour and they are bound to see mine. when i can accept theirs as it is, and they can accept mine as it is (of course this gotta be proven.. sweet-talk doesn't work!), that is when it is real. yupp. and this thing is going at the rate of 4 per two years during my stay in SG.. which is a lil pathetic, but hey, not that bad, either.
erm.. for those of you who have no clue about whatever i was talking about in the previous paragraph.. nevermind. don't bother. you'd better go study for ur a-levels.
anyway. back to the bad mood thingy. after much thoughts, came to the conclusion that yea: i was taken for granted (could be read as: always around, will agree to _____, will never disagree to ____, will not mind if ____, use as you wish-discard after use, don't need to be thanked to, blah, blah. i could go on). i think after realising that those stuff were all one got back after putting in so much, it is easy to see the three Ds looming: demoralisation. disillusionment. depression.
okey la better stop. this entry sounds very, erm, black and psychopat-like.
5:04 PM
i guess that this is where we’ve come to if you don’t want to, then you don’t have to believe me but i will be there when you go down just so you know now you’re on your own now, believe me[
believe me - fort minor feat. mike shinoda]
that was one very, very cool song!! it's so linkinpark-ish.. maybe coz mike shinoda is there chipping in his brain juice.
linkin park, where are you??? didn't hear anything since your duo with Jay-Z yeah... i'm missing them already.
2:40 PM
Sunday, October 23, 2005
what the.......!!!! i just typed one whole
very long entry regarding the indo-tjc trip to geylang on friday, the developments in my applying to US universities and in the post-A-level malaysian trip, but the computer suddenly just so %$#&!!! grrrr... nevermind.. i shall write about something else yea.
i was studying last night (at about 2AM), when the radio played this song... saccharine mood overwhelmed me right away...
and so we talked all night about the rest of our lives where we're gonna be when we turn 25 i keep thinking times will never change keep on thinking things will always be the same but when we leave this year we won't be coming back no more hanging out cause we're on a different track and if you got something that you need to say you better say it right now cause you don't have another day cause we're moving on and we can't slow down these memories are playing like a film without sound and I keep thinking of that night in june i didn't know much of love but it came too soon and there was me and you and then we got real cool stay at home talking on the telephone with me we'd get so excited, we'd get so scared laughing at our selves thinking life's not fair and this is how it feels * as we go on, we remember all the times we had together and as our lives change come whatever, we will still be friends forever so if we get the big jobs and we make the big money when we look back now will our jokes still be funny? will we still remember everything we learned in school? still be trying to break every single rule will little brainy bobby be the stockbroker man? can heather find a job that wont interfere with her tan? i keep, i keep thinking that it's not goodbye keep on thinking it's a time to fly and this is how it feels la, la, la, la ... yeah, yeah, yeah la, la, la, la ... we will still be friends forever will we think about tomorrow like we think about now? can we survive it out there? can we make it somehow? i guess i thought that this would never end and suddenly it's like we're women and men will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round? will these memories fade when i leave this town i keep, i keep thinking that it's not goodbye keep on thinking it's a time to flysob sob. very sad.
anyway, saw mr andy goh who looks like choong yoon today, asked whether he would mind writing a recommendation for me (can't believe i'm asking from him instead of mrs.loo.. considering the difference between my chem and physics grades, this is sumthing that is quite out of this world.. but i just have something against mrs.loo lah.. and i think she also has something against me takin physics s-paper.. hmmm..). and he said, "i wrote a very good tutor's comment for you, (thankyou, sir) so please do your part, okay? get your As!"
ugh. have been sometime since
anybody at all asked me to get my As... so encouraging!!!!! heeheeee.. almost cried there (okey im getting too sentimental, but anywayyyy!). i could only reply, "yes, sir. thank you." while actually my heart screams, "DAMMIT IM GONNA GET MY 4ASSSS!!!!"
heehee. okey.. gotta go home already..
9:21 PM
Saturday, October 15, 2005
the 40-year-old virginwatched this show with asih for lack of better-sounding titles in the movie list.. it was tuesday afternoon, and i was feeling super duper hungry and thirsty coz it was my first day of fasting.. since asih desperately wanted to watch a movie, so we went to cineleisure after school, not knowing what movie to watch. there were a lot of other bleah titles, so we decided to give a shot for this one (eventhough i would have preferred the cool-looking
four brothers than this..).
anyway, went inside the cinema and hoahahahhahahhahaa.. the movie rocked my stomach, as in i couldn't stop laughing. i mean yeaaa, d'oh, there were lots and lots of explicit content in the movie, but if u can just forget about those stuff, the movie is really, really funnyyyy! my favourite scene was when the main character guy got a chest wax.. i could really feel the pain when the wax-maid said "one, two, three!" and pull those wax strips off his very very hairy chest... ouchhh! and he was like bleeding afterwards.. he couldn't take it anymore after a few wax strips, so he went home with his chest less-than-half-done.. it's mostly still full of hair, but there are a few smooth patches here and there.. what a comic scene.. more and less it was a very guy-kind of movie, but yea, it was entertaining. period.
by the way, asih was, for some strange reasons, super traumatized by the movie..
april snowwatched this because asih and i have promised each other to watch it the moment it came out (after we were left super satisfied by another korean movie called
innocent steps before prelims..). so we went.. but damn it the movie was sooo slowwww and sooo quiettt (as in the conversations between the cast hardly last beyond five words.. okay, i'm exaggerating, but u got my point).. and there were
two dirty, though not obscene, scenes which i thought was rather pointless. i mean, why include semi-nudity if it doesn't help to complete the whole show?? ridiculous... yeah, so i left the cinema feeling very,very disappointed.
asih insisted i liked the guy, though (bae yong-jun, if i didn't spell it wrongly).. she said i like the type of guy who wear spectacles and is very
selebor (i didn't know how to put it in english..).
random stuffanyway, my girl-classmates said that i'm very good at remembering rubbish.. i was listening to the radio yesterday nite, and i came across some rubbish quiz, so i thought i might just put some of the stuff here.. hehe.. the question of the quiz was, "what is your best pick-up line?" and here were some of the responses..
1. hey, i think you should be punished, because you make all the girls around you look ugly.
2. hey, may i take your picture? (the girl goes, "for what?", then guy says,) because i want to give it to the st.claus so that he knows what i want for christmas.
3. hey, you're so sweet i could lick you. (YUCKS)
4. i was gay until i saw you.
5. can i have your mother's phone number? because i want to thank your mother for giving birth to the most beautiful girl in the world.
erm.. and i think i remembered adrian sharing a pick-up line in class (yea, MRS TAG'S CIVICS CLASS!). and his one goes, "i lost my teddy bear.. would you sleep with me?".
hope that was a healthy dose of rubbish for you.. certainly worked to make me laugh last nite.. ciao.
8:54 PM
chickens follow their hen mother, do they not?
i've got nothing to say!
sigh...
anyway, today jaq came over to dunman hostel... we were supposed to be studying physics and chemistry. the first two hours went well, but after sherly and timo started to stay with us, the plan went haywire!!! we were talking, talking, talking about this-and-that-thing-plus-those-and-these-people... and so, until about 6pm, practically jaq and i were doing nothing but chatting. but yea, it's always good to catch up with old friends. i
almost felt as if it was the first three months in tjc again.. haha...
but jaq and timo also exchanged a lot about us university applications.. which kinda made me 'burn' with envy.. why didn't i have the courage to apply? i don't know.. maybe i don't like the fuss of writing personal statement, getting testimonials from teachers and taking SAT.. but if it is so, i think i've missed a great deal, yeah? as in, how if one day i look back to this time of my life and think, "shit, why didn't i do it then?? why didn't i even try?". i dunno. i mean, it's still not too late to start applying for rd or whatever they call it.. i hope i'll come to a decision soon. very soon.
i would love to live in US ya.. what a new experience it will be..
uhh.. and i think the sense of uncertainty about what i want to do in university is killing me.. i really don't know.. i mean i know this sounds immature, not even realizing what you truly want, but my wish keeps changing as i age.. i remember when i was 9 and 10 i wanted to be an architect like dad. when i was 11 and 12 i wanted to be a teacher. 13 i wanted to be a secretary. 14 was engineer, 15 was economist. 16 and 17 i wanted to be a teacher again. and now.. 18 and 19.. i really don't have an idea.. i don't even know what to do. mother says i should do things that are more practical, like business or economy or management; but father says i'll be better off doing sciencey-mathematics stuff, or engineering at worst.
but the thing is, i don't even know what i want. i never tried my hands on business, economy or whatever, so how am i supposed to know that it suits me? and jc sciences has nearly killed me (if it had not already done so, actually), so how am i to cope to sciences in university?
i long for a refreshing wind.. but i dunno where to look for it.. yup..
shall stop whining lar.. by the way, maybe the trip to bali in january may not be cancelled after all, since timo has kindly offered his dad's assistance and networking power to get us a good holiday plan.. hmmm... i would love to go bali! it's been long time since the last trip there.. heehee..
10:45 AM
one step closer towards the USA, i guess..
i have made up my mind yayee. at least i'll TRY! i don't really care about the outcome, i believe i'll enjoy the process anyway.
dun want to look back and regret, so i'll do my best.. my very best..
one good motivation is: ESCAPIN SINGAPORE... whoa.. that's, like, ultimate dream..
lalallalallaalala.
i know i am faking. i know i am lying to you all and to myself, but let me be. just let me be. just, really, let me be. that's how badly i want to be left alone, geddit? what is so good about being able to poke your nose into my business? do y'all even have the slightest idea that it might hurt me? i'll do it my way... mel mel and jejes.. sometimes i just miss you and miss being in the same hostel as you! the only ones who i can really confide in anything.. and who can accept me for the way i am. if you read this, thank you. thank you so much for being able to do so.. you're one of the very, very fews who can always put my mind at ease.. thanks..
6:59 PM
Monday, October 10, 2005
short-lived happiness with a speck of dust,
tarnishing the clean image of her innocence,
embellished with a sense of cruelty that overtook human frailty.
she asked herself,
a beast overtook her mind,
a feast spread out for the evil to unite,
look into my eyes,
our pupils met for that split second,
and you blinked, dissembling your thoughts,
instead of understanding the existing problem,
we chose to sit,
in silence.
ng zhi ying@scgs2003
10:05 PM
Friday, October 07, 2005
wait 'til you're olderhmmm! hmmm! i didn't expect this movie to be so yummy yummy good.. it started off slow and rather weird because it was taken from a kid's point of view, but as the kid grew, the show picked up some speed.. best thing: when the protagonist is young, the show seems to take "kiddy" angle of showing things, and as he ages, hey, everything seems to look more mature and clearer in a way. oh plus the bonus of a twisted ending, which i especially like when well done :) i think y'all should go and watch ya. it's a good good movie.
but me, fungus, el and yizhen had to accept the fact that we're
stupid because of that movie. we made a loop trip from tjc-bugis-tjc-bedok before eventually watching the show.. all thanks to the lousy bugis cinema which has no more tickets for the show.. we watched the show in
princess by the way.. hahaha.. hmm. it was cheap. it wasn't that bad. i like the way they show warnings such as "please switch off ur handphone" and stuff.. it brought me back to the 1980s, and i thought it was refreshing.
goal!this one is just another movie for me. except for two cute guys, there is nothing that is quite worth seeing. didn't leave any impact on me, either. asih talked me into watching it...
on another note, got a D (yay!) for chemistry, which is really an achievement for me. and a merit for maths s-paper, which is another achievement. hahahhahahhahaha. i am satisfied.
ya la. i have no regrets this prelims except for my getting-lousy-and-lousier physics.
oh ya. by the way i lost my file. as in the file where i keep my current schoolwork. as a result, i kinda lost about 5-dollars worth of other jcs' prelims paper. sad case. must buy again...
something that has bothered me for a while..
i have two friends who are quite close to me, but not quite close to each other. one is so oblivious towards the surrounding that it drives the other nuts.. i dunno, is ignorance towards surroundings something that a person can control? i mean, who can help me if i am self-centred?? especially if nobody tells me that i am? and the thing is, the other one gets very irritated with the oblivious girl. and the oblivious one, being herself, obviously dunno that the other girl didn't really like her. worse still, there are times when three of us have to go out together and i find myself (sighs) having to appease to the two of them all the time.. as in, i have to consciously need to ensure that i pay enough attention to each of them and have to "fake" sentences so that two of them have things to talk about.. or that three of us have common things to talk about.
and boy, it's damn damn tiring to do so all the time.. imagine being a mother of two kids who constantly in cold war with each other dammit.. and i hardly have the patience of a mother. sometimes it just ruins my mood for the outing.
i have decided i shall not go out with them if two of them are present at the same time. period. i have to be selfish sometimes, no?
have to buy autograph book! maybe tomorrow, before meeting jaq or on sunday, during "date" with mel. lalala. i want white-covered, spiral-ring book with plain black papers inside. i heard it's not available even in
prints. i went searching in kino, borders, taka, even times bookstore, but to no success. anyone saw such book before? your letting me know is highly appreciated..
8:11 PM
Monday, October 03, 2005
basically...
i am very very grateful that nothing happened to Dad during bali bombings (1st october 2005, 07.30pm) despite his close proximity with the restaurants that were blasted off...
i got 45% for general paper.. thanks to my essay... it sucks like shit... but it's 0.5% improvement compared to jct.. but then again, it looks like the whole cohort is doing well this time..
and... the most worrying thing...
i have zero motivation to study..
how how? "A"s in 5weeks' time, but i am not driven to work..
on another note,
i forgot to talk about this when blogging about scgs outing.. perhaps because i was too excited by the prospects of a holiday to malaysia after "a"s..
i notice THAT:
the whole world except tjcians are applying to overseas university!!!
some apply to US. some apply to UK. almost all are hoping for scholarships, but they say that they'll make do with half-scholarships or even loans..
some of their results are just equally as bad as mine, yet they have the confidence to apply overseas.. when i asked whether it was worth it (coz the process is just so tedious), they all say that in their colleges, it was the norm to apply overseas, so it didn't feel all
that tedious..
sighs. i still remember talking about studying overseas during our scgs days. and how that hope somehow fades away when i enter tjc. nope, i'm not regretting being in tjc.. in fact, i treasure a lot of things that i get from this college.. it's just that, why is it so different being in tjc? why most tjcians only aim for NUS or NTU? why not go beyond that? nah.. i'm blaming circumstances again.. it's really not tjcians' fault that i let my dream of studying overseas to go away..
asih suggested me to apply overseas anyway.. but i don't know.. i'm not so sure.. is it wise to bother myself with these stuff at this point of time? isn't it a little late already?
nevermind... i think it's me and my bad mood again this time. tomorrow shall be a brighter day.
8:43 PM
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Been doing nothing but enjoying life for the past few days...
WEDNESDAY (28/09)
go out with asih and jas to watch the sucky the myth
had dinner in secret recipe
THURSDAY (29/09)
ponning school
FRIDAY (30/09)
had gelare waffle for hi-tea snack
had meatball sphaggetti @NYDC for dinner
bought bohemian earrings
bought silver necklace
had oreo cheesecake for dessert
SATURDAY (01/10)
marche outing with scgs girls
bought bleach playing cards
walaooo. i've spent my money like water, some might say. it was unwise, but it seemed that this week was the only week i could enjoy life. the next four weeks would be the four weeks of the year at which i would be fasting, one week after that would be the last week before "a"-levels start, and the following three weeks would be the exams itself...
but the good news is. today wan xin, yun ru and yessica told me that they had a tour d'malaysia all planned out after the "a"-levels and they asked me to come along! =D it would be a ten-people outing, six girls and four guys; two indons and eight malaysians, all were ex-cjc hostellites. KL for shopping, ipoh for beach, malacca for leisure and penang for food. doesn't that sound just soooooo tempting? haha... i've asked permission from parents and they straightaway said yes (including the financial aid, of course). so, malaysia, here i come! yayyy!
since the beginning of this year, i don't know why i have this urge to visit the
whole malaysia (erm maybe minus sabah and sarawak).. i was planning to persuade my parents to bring the whole family to have some malaysian trip dari ujung ke ujung at the end of this year or anytime during my long, seven-months break. i even visited jb earlier on this year (sometime after june common tests) and was planning to ask melissa and chui fen to bring me to the hebat-est eating places in penang this year-end.
but apparently there's no need to ask this and that to anybody, coz today it was all set! =D
oh yeah, and the ex-indon scgs girls were planning to visit BALI in the beginning of next year, after the New Year celebrations ended... apparently none of them visited bali before, so I could be the tour guide this time... it is nice not to be the blur sotong all the time. yay yay yay! bali is by far my favourite holiday spot. it'd be nice to, for once, becoming backpackers and head there without the supervision of adults. haha. hey, i'm considered an adult in indo after all (you only need to be seventeen years old to be qualified for all the good things, such as driving license and voting rights.. haha).
whatelse is there to say? oh yea.. i think my mugging period has to start next week... otherwise i might not be able to make it, ya. four "a"s. and whatever i could get for gp and s-papers. haha.
(by the way i got 48% for physics "s", not bad considering my standard; but mr.desai said in real "a"-levels, u need 60%to get a merit and 80%to get a distinction.. oh no!).
yesterday adrian asked whether i still wrote a lot (we were discussing about one of his writing piece), and somehow i realised that YA HOR i don't write anymore. as in, i still write blog entries and nonsense stuff, but nothing that just comes out from inspiration; nothing that is a fruit of the mind. hmmmmm. which is why i have linked my 2004 livejournal in this blog... coz i think, in that journal, i wrote more like
me, about what i think and not just about daily happenings, ups and downs. yeap.
by the way... what should i do? i think i heard ****** crying again yesterday night. what should i do?????? i thought i talked to her thoroughly already about her concerns, but yeah.. apparently the stuff that she was still sad about was still disturbing her each day. maybe i should just accompany her more often. lalala.
chun kiang's autograph book is very nice but it's also very very GIRLY. i mean, as a girl i like it, but don't blame me if it baffles me that a guy could have such a book. and a set of coloured pens to go with it. forgive my sexism.
i so want to have jamiroquai's CD
dynamite because i've decided
seven days in sunny June and
feels like just it should is worth it, but problem remains the same every time i want to buy a CD: my discman is spoilt, so there's no point. haiya.