Read this gross article in the newspaper about a Zimbabwe runner having two genitals. He/she resolved to pay a healer to get rid of the male genital.. I suppose the sight of two genitals on his/her body has been too much on him/her?

Anyway.
I've been kinda trying to get my mind busy nowadays.. what with hectic pracs for SYF, piling tuts and S-paper work, upcoming tests (can that bloody chem department stop torturing us?), v-day preps, library week.. but at the end of the day.. or when my mind starts to become idle like, say, on the bus home or on the walk after late afternoon jogs, i still find that it drifts to the exact same spot again.. it's to him. It feels.. sad, to have your mind automatically thinking about something which you seriously do not want to think about at all. Why does this have to happen? Sigh.

If you are always so successful in making me feel STUPID, as in NOT SMART, making me feel INFERIOR, making me feel bad, why is it still such a joy to hear from you? Why, despite everything, I still think that there's a reason behind all the things you do that was hurting me? Why can't I accept the more likely view that no, you are doing all these not because of any reason, but simply because you have changed?

The saddest thing is, why can't I accept that I no longer know you--a completely different person... The hell with how you made me feel in the past.. made me feel loved, feel cared about, feel special... bottomline is, you no longer made me feel that way. The problem is with me, I suppose? That I still thought things are like what they were. DAMNIT.

We can't even be friends, can we? I mean, we no longer can talk without having that wall. And worst is, I don't know why can't we talk! It's just similar to one of those beautiful days when you have sun and clear sky throughout the whole day up to 11.59am but suddenly, at 12.00, it rains cats and dogs. It keeps on raining and raining, and one is left wondering why is it so.. to which the answer is, quite literally, only God knows.

Let me know what happened, really... and i'll leave our past alone, a memory locked inside the corner of my thoughts and feelings. I need my curiosity to be satisfied.

Yup. I kinda get it.. it's not love. It's not like. It isn't even any real feelings that I have for you. It's not infatuation/crush/whateverelseyounameit... it's just my thirst for knowing things that happen to me and that happen around me. It's curiosity trying to kill the cat again.