9:04 PM
Monday, February 28, 2005
Mar, how are you?Sorry I haven't been writing for long.. I haven't got that much time to visit landshop as much as I did. There are always things coming up that I just have to do. "First things first", like you said. 'Sides, I have to start saving money! Medicine books are insanely expensive.. if high school textbooks only cost me a few tens of thousand rupiahs, medicine textbooks could cost about a million rupiahs! (I just bought one). Can always ask from parents for more if I really can't manage, but I think it's totally unfilial for me to keep asking for more. Here in Airlangga University's Medicine Faculty, I've been trying to involve myself with all the various activities, hopefully it won't cost me my studies. I was thinking, since I am here already, I might as well make myself visible, make the most of the time and not wasting it. It's like, every single one of us is given 24 hours per day, so it is really up to us to optimize it, you got what I mean? Hehe. Maybe you could take a look at my friendster profile for the activities I've become part of :)Whew, a few more days then it is your birthday already. Since I'm afraid I would forget it or something (I certainly hope not), let me wish you an early HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Stay smart, and hope all your dreams come true. Any plan coming up for birthday? Any changes you want to make this year? That was just to give you a bit of inspiration..I still remember you saying you wanted to go to this very Medicine Faculty I am studying. Is it for real? For an instant I couldn't believe it, but if you have your own reasons, there is really nothing for me not to believe.That's it for now.. I'd continue in another one.. Sorry for never writing you the usual long, life-sharing emails, but for now I think it's more comfortable to write here. Thanks.So that was one message I just received from somebody who used to, well, let's say, mean a lot to me. His words were used to be able to keep me going, at least until his next words of wisdom appear again in email form in my inbox. Used to. Now, he is just.. just another friend. Six years were long enough.
I extracted this from Winnie's blog. I kinda like it, for no apparent reasons.
No matter how hard you try to get over someone, you will still have some sort of feeling for them, remembering the ways things used to be, and how they are now. And you sometimes hope that the new person in their life was still you, and everything was how it used be, erasing all the bad things that happened. Time is supposed to make things better, but in love it doesn't. Although we have been apart for a while, and now have diferent loves in our life, I stil can't help wondering how your life is, and when I catch you glancing at me, I can't help but wonder if your heart beats a little faster, as mine does when I see you.He looked good today, I almost think that he bathed this morning :p That fresh face is not usually there. And that especially reddish lips today. And the especially jet-black hair. Sigh. You are not usually this good-looking. But as always, I can't take my eyes off of you.
Ewww. I sound grossly desperate.
10:57 AM
Saturday, February 26, 2005
This vacation's useless
These white pills aren't kind
I've given a lot of thought on this thirteen hour drive
I missed the grinding concrete where we sat past 8 or 9
And slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights
I've given a lot of thought to the nights we used to have
The days have come and gone
Our lives went by so fast
I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor
Where I laid and told you, but you sweared you loved me more
Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will I shake this off, pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me
There is
Those notes you wrote me
I've kept them all
I'll give a lot of thought of how to write you back this fall
With every single letter in every single word
There will be a hidden message about a boy that loves a girl
Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will I shake this off, pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me
There is
Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will I shake this off, pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me
Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will I shake this off, pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me
There is
[box car racer]
10:55 AM
Stupidly went to Physics "S" lesson on Thursday thinking that I have done my work and shall be able to benefit from the session.. But when the lesson started only then I realized that actually... bleah, I did the wrong sets of questions. Damndamndamn. I ended up just stoning in that lecture theatre; luckily Pat sat next to me.. she is always entertaining. Oh yeah, and I would forever remember that teacher's face (Mr Koh or something like that), so LJ-look alike! Hahaha.. roommate, wanna me to intro you to him?
Anyway. Yesterday's double F.Maths test were surprisingly okay. As in. Haha, I know I lost five marks for the P&C question (I totally ignored the other objects when settling the restrictions, a mistake that should sound quite familiar to me by now!), but I am confident about the probability question. For mechanics, I am quite certain I could pass this time. Let's just pray la.
During guitar, Kee Meng said some funny expression that I still don't really get. Naturally, as he is the President, people who want to go toilet in the middle of the practice session feel obliged to ask his permission. So there was this girl, asking him, "Kee Meng, I need to go toilet leh. How?" So he gave the permission. But once the girl went out of the room, he announced to me, "This kind of question is very embarassing leh." And I don't know why I find it funny. Why does it feel embarassing anyway? It's just some kind of courtesy, to ask the boss for permission, right? Okay, my sense of humour is weird. Okay.
Astro was FUUNNNN. Haha. We had barbeque behind the sports complex. Ate quite a number of sausages, crabstick and fishballs and felt wayy full after the BBQ. The atmosphere was light. There were many stars observed, including Cyrus and Orion belt (Orion is niceee!). But the best part was the reddish moon.. It's soooo cool. Furthermore, using the thousand-something telescope, we were able to see the crates of the moon, casting dark shadows on the surface of the moon. It kinda reminded me of my childhood comics, Sailormoon (haha, I know it's irrelevant, but anyway).
Went back hostel, feeling void and tired (especially since Timo & Chun left earlier as Michelle offered them a ride, leaving all the girls to do the "dirty" work of cleaning-up and bringing back all equipments.. Talk about gentlemanliness).. But I couldn't sleep because roommate and Eng Hooi were playing guitar (thanks to them, I can force myself to bathe!) haha. After bathing, it felt much better, so I went around to ask for maths notes (I carelessly left mine in Beethoven Room) to Sher-and-Pat's room. Theeeenn.. I discovered that Pat-Adrian-Stanley-Ben-Johan would be playing for the Gamma House Function next friday.. but the best part is, they'd be playing Box Car Racer's
There Is... YIPPPPPIIEEEEEE! Given that, I would definitely come to the function! Hahaha.. Oh, and it would be the last performance for the band, because Ben would be flying off to M'sia by June to become a pilot or something like that.. Hmm, quite sad, huh?
On another note,
I read Winnie's livejournal today and myohmy, how she got me wrong! Okay, I used the word "him" instead of anything else, but it doesn't mean it's Walnuttttttttt. Seriously speaking, it's not Walnut. I like him for what?? Haha. Winnie, if you read this, do get this into your mind whenever you start guessing, ok: you'd hardly expect this guy (who I like) to be the kind of guy who I like. Serious! Haha. So, it's not Walnut arh, don't start on me already.
Moving on,
For the past few days, I sort of able to feel that there has been a change in him. I don't know what.. but he seems to deliberately try to be nicer to me, as if there has been some guilt building up in him that he has to make up to by, well, treating me better. Somehow, though, while I enjoy it, I also despise it at the same time. Why now? Why can't he display that kind of gesture in the past, when what I needed was the hand of a friend reaching out to me? Why when everybody didn't want to have anything to do with me, when the crowd treated me as some kind of substandard being, he also had to treat me that way? And now, now that I am settled and I have peers around me, supporting me and vice-versa, why is it that he starts to show the same thing? He would only befriend me when everybody else thinks it's okay to befriend me, is that it? It's so fucking sickening!
I mean, I didn't do this to him when he was all alone, when he approached me for help to do all those things for him.. I didn't..ignore him. Only when it was clear that he did not want to have anything to do with me that I realized that this friendship was over; it failed the test; then only that I started to make myself appear to be moving on with my life. But deep down, who knows better than I do about myself? Who knows that I am still grieving over the loss, over the wound that doesn't seem to be healing despite whatever I do on the surface? Fuck you. But then again, I can't say that to you in reality. (Reminds me of the conversation with the class peeps before FM A test yesterday: how I wish I could just point my middle finger to anybody who pisses me off, like what Sherwin did).
9:42 PM
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
What to write ya? Nothing's in my head but I know I just have to write something here. Haha. Oh yeah, by the way Arina is in town.. she came over to collect her 'O'-Level result slip that will be released on Friday. Whee :) I miss her and our On The Run trips.
Anyway. Guitar ended at 7pm, which I thought was wayyy too long. How could they expect us to practice for four straight hours? For two pieces?? Nevermind, for the glory of TJC Guitar Ensemble, I shall be quiet about this. I want Gold!
Baby Goh released last friday's chemistry test results, and I got a freakingly pathetic EIGHT marks out of twenty two.
:( And how could I lead myself to believe that I know my work? Furthermore, I hope to score a distinction for A-level chemistry (!) Dream on..........
I got so fed up and angry (I don't know to who, him or myself, haha) at school. I was so freaking tired about everything that he did to me. SO.FREAKING.TIRED. But, again, as similar to previous Weds, today I find him looking sooooo good in that blouse. Huhuhu... wanna cry already. Why does he look so good? Especially from the back :(
Anyway, I'm sleepy sitting in front of compie, so I shall go back to room instead..
8:13 PM
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Today went like shit, except for the part where Timothy paid for my taxi fare. It's not everyday that he's THAT nice, you know. And except for the part where I got my specs repaired YIPPIE! But then that means I have to survive the next few weeks with fewer bucks, damnit. Oh yeah, one more thing, found out a little more to contribute to The Bigger Picture of PHYSICS SPA SKILL D Exam, thanks to Chun Kiang. Haha.
ANYWAY.
It was like shit because, mainly, I discovered truth in what people say: that he is such an unapproachable person. How come I have never seen that before? I mean, today, I talked to him face-to-face and yup, he was kind of screaming at me (okay, perhaps it wasn't that bad, but he certainly raised his voice to me, something he has NEVER done before). And made a very pissed-off kind of face. And worse oh worse: of all people that I got to sit with for today's dinner, it was him! And of course, despite sitting at the same table, despite the rest of us happily chatting, he refused to open his mouth. He did not say a single word, not even to his friends (oh let alone to me).
I swear he never raised his voice to me before. Made me feel stupid, yes, but never raising his voice. I am sad, so sad.
I was gloomy throughout the way home after repairing my specs, but then again I asked myself the same question that I have always been asking, "If the world is open to all possibilities, would you love him or would you hate him?" And my answer is still the same. Maybe that's what makes it even more saddening. Despite everything, I found myself still loving him as much as before.. Feels kinda poopified.. becoz.. this is not as if I don't have a choice! I DO! But I choose to suffer, damn it..
CUT THE CRAP. I gotta go do work. Or perhaps take nap..
9:22 PM
Monday, February 21, 2005
How come
we dont even talk no more
And you dont even call no more
We dont barely keep in touch at all
And I dont even feel the same love when we hug no more
And I heard it through the grape vine we even beefin now
After all the years we been down
Aint no way no how, this bullshit can be true
We family and aint a damn thing changed, unless it's you
[
How Come - D12]
Brief report of the day:
1. I swear chemistry lab sucks! What is the big deal with making crystals???
2. Achievement of The Day: wrote GP essay in one hour. Quality compromised, duh.
3. Feeling very hungry despite having eaten my dinner. Cup noodles, anyone? Sotempting.
4. Wonbin.Wonbin.Wonbin.Wonbin.Wonbin.
5. Wonbin.Wonbin.Wonbin.Wonbin.Wonbin.
6. Wonbin.Okeystopthis,Marita.Wonbin.
7. I heard that Physics Skill D exam was hardly the kind whereby you can get an 8.
11:40 AM
Sunday, February 20, 2005
YAY! I broke my personal record for 3.6km run yesterday during the TJC Annual Road Run! WHEEWHEEWHEE I'm so happy! Haha. I know that my timing is quite, quite bad; but it was still my personal best and it was like almost three minutes faster than my normal timing. Which is goood. At least I felt so. Perhaps it's the very fact that I didn't get to jog on Friday evening because I was preoccupied by Guitar and Astro (by the time I reached home, it was about 9pm already). So my body kinda really wanted to justt.. runnn hahaha.. The time shown by the big digital clock that welcomed me at the finishing line gave me a shock.. it was 21'50". Can you imagine?? When I trained (okey, not exactly training, more like jogging) by myself, my 3.6km at best registers a timing of 29'30". I knew my running yesterday was faster, but it could not have been that fast! After being in touch with the class peeps, I was informed that you have to actually add another 5'00" to your timing to get an accurate reading (shittily sounds like Physics SPA?). Ha. So my timing is actually 26'50".. which isn't bad at all for my standard. Hahaha. I mean, I am happy; so who cares with the rest of the world.. :P
Oh yeah, by the way I seriously don't understand what's wrong with the class guys yesterday. Firstly, Sherwin didn't come in first (it's like HALLO, Mister Khoo, what's wrong with you today??). He came in second, about 150-200m behind Ronny, the b-baller who got in first. Kar Gea wasn't one of the first few that I saw. To think about him bragging about his strength all the time now sounds very bullshitty, not that I am not used to it already. People like JJ who obviously could run fast suddenly came in as one of the last few. And people like Kenneth and Leonard who didn't even run were just being sick, basically. Didn't expect Wai Lee to be THAT fast, though! I know he's fast, but 21st position is like WOWWW! Overall, though, I really salute all the guys who completed the run.. 5km is really SOMETHING, isn't it? Especially when (I heard) the cohort is only trained for 3.8km so far. Clap clap.
[How I wish I could complete 5k. If it happens, that would be The Day. Haha. I don't know what Day. It's just The Day, coz it seems so impossible. Maybe with repeatedly trying it out along Kallang River as usual? I dunno. Ha. Let's make it this year's goal: to be able to complete 5km jog non stop. Whoahahaha. By end of year? And let's make it below 40minutes.]
Oh but some bitch pisses me off yesterday. Shouldn't say who because if I do it will be a gossip already.. Now I start to feel that I have made the right decision by temporarily terminating the relationship. At least I am not obliged to defend her in whatever she says, not obliged to give her some bloody advice, not obliged to listen to what she has to say--simply, I can ignore her like the way I ignore those who irritates me. What the hell. Furthermore, she's got no right to kacau me in the middle of my studying time or my leisure time whatsoever, and thus I shall be able to be a happier person. I just wish I could stop feeling so irritated about her, because.. well, it's just not My Way, you know.. I don't like this hatred I feel.
In retaliation to that, I start to think that abstinence from any sort of emotional attachment is best for me currently; for otherwise, I would just keep being hurt. If I could avoid it, why should I go on? I mean, allright, I'd just hangout with classmates in school; cca-mates in cca time; hostelmates in hostel; and that would be it.. Or, actually, I start to feel more in touch with the hostel girls recently--start to think that they understand the meaning of friendship more than other people do. Partly, I guess, it's because in hostel, we see everything about each other. No cover-ups, almost no secret. And thus, people are more accustomed of accepting their friends for who they are. This is my theory for now, will prove it's relevance in.. I guess, a few months' time? Because judging from the friendships I had so far, the test would only come after a few months. So.. let's wait and see.
Oh yeah, am cutting my hair very soon. Byebye to long, heavy, hard-to-style hair.. welcome short ponytail and a bit of fringes. Fungus, Eng Hooi and She Weay are also cutting. Mass cut, pple!
Watched Won Bin's "My Brother" last night in Shin Fei's room together with some of the hostel girls, and now I am definitely head over hells for Won Bin. His cute smile! His teeth! His nose! His stupid faces! His silly expressions! His muscles! I can't sleep alreadyyyyyyyy. It's too much to take in. Haha.
Last night I felt like hugging... a bolster. But I don't have one. So I hugged my pillow instead, trying to imagine that it's... a bolster.
I wrote that not because Mrs. Yong just taught the class about metaphors.
Aaaaarrrrrggghhhh. Why do I have to like you? Even when you are farfaraway, even when you don't even say hi, even when you don't care anymore.. why do I still have this feeling? Erm, by the way, I mistook him for some guy during the run, and.. that guy turned out to be particularly.. weird-looking.. and I mean the face. Haha. Their build and their face actually look similar, though.. so I start to think, is he that weird-looking? Well, prolly! [Actually this isn't my first time mistaking him for that particularly weird-looking guy]..
Okay. Anyway.. back to my daily grind.
10:15 PM
Friday, February 18, 2005
I don't know how could a Friday be more fucked up than this:
1. My chemistry test, which I quite surely studied for, is really a gone case. I will fail again. I start to think that maybe, just maybe, I should give it up.. I never pass the examination (yes, it's never a C-grade), I am always at the fail-pass borderline (marks ranging from 11/25 - 14/25) for lecture tests. I don't even like the practical periods. I like the theory part, but what the point of doing all this if I can't score? Shit, did I start to sound like just another (oops) Singaporean, fretting over marksssss? OH NOOO. Better get off this country soon.
2. Maluating myself in front of the class peeps by confidently presenting my solution for tutorial when it is actually WRONG.
3. Got noticed that I have to do an essay over the weekend because I missed GP lesson yesterday.
4. Accidentally threw away my SAJC Carnival tickets together with other receipts early in the morning.
5. Didn't have time to jog. Forget about clocking 10kms this week laaaaaaa damn.
6. Discovered that playing childish pranks can only, above all, hurt pple's feelings no matter how insignificantly. Sorry, roommate. Sorry, Jay.
7. Astro is boring IF one goes there feeling superly tired. But the astronomy facts presented by Mr. [Nu] Chan was enriching.
8. Feel very full (it is a disgusting feeling really) due to the not-very-nice fried noodle bought at hawker's centre for dinner. I should have eaten instant noodles (but i've eaten two packs this week so forget it).
If there is anything that makes me happy today, it's the fact that YIPPIE I TALKED TO HIM TODAY. Not that it is a big thing, really--but a good thing nevertheless. The topic we were talking about was, should I say, super dry-cum-saddening... byebyebye... teacher's here...
9:02 PM
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
"Home... we're coming home again"
Homecoming - Green Day
That was the only song I could think of when I was writing this entry. Heehee. Anyway... the home visit.. okay, it wasn't a home visit, 'twas more like a community hospital, but it was kewl. I didn't know that I would actually enjoy it. Initially felt awkward because I really didn't know how to talk to any of the patients in the hospital as they were mainly Chinese-speaking or dialect-speaking (I swear I was cursing myself inside because of not learning Mandarin earlier. And I pledge to learn it after the 'A's)... but after a few conversations, we ended up with this Malay guy (I still remember his name is Muhammad bin Dullah) and we had a lot of fun talking with him. He has a very interesting life... merely a Primary 6 graduate, he became a sportsman who was supposed to represent Singapore for Sepak Takraw tournament in the 1960s.. he rejected it because it wouldn't make any penny for him.. Then he told us about how he met his wife, how they dated, how they got married, how are his kids right now. It was cool, seriously.
Anyway. It was quite sad that we had to leave just like that after such an engaging conversation.
On another note,
I think he and I are just... say, not fated? Yup... that's the sad part la.. because unlike other days, everyone in the school today is wearing green uniform including him, and when he wears that, it always catches my eyes no matter what.. He just looks good in it, basically. That's why, I kinda failed my mission not to like him anymore today. But no matter what, I still have this feeling inside that I am REALLY REALLY scared of him. BLEAH.
And I think I'd get in trouble with library teacher-in-charge very soon. Shitty, manz. But I can't do a thing.. How do they expect me to go for library weeks events for three days while I got all my five days fully occupied this week??
10:04 PM
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
I know I sound as if I am bragging, but I feel quite strongly about this feeling, so I'd just say it. After all, it's my blog:
I sat for the Maths "S" selection test today (after having a dilemma about whether or not I should take it today), and thankfully it went okay for me. I mean, obviously I won't score full marks or distinction, but I think I can make it in order to continue this thing. Thank God.
Ha. And that's all, folks.
Btw, had a nice Fish & Co. dinner with Jolene at Suntec and it was all funny. Haha. She is such an entertainer! But the swordfish I ate was a bit disastrous, because, um, it was (or should I say "they were" since there were TWO swordfishes for one dish) huge, they tasted like western-fried chicken, and the sauce tasted like chicken rice sauce in school. Talk about eating a $17 chicken rice with chips as substitute of rice. Ha-ha.
Oh yup and I am really determined not to let myself fall for him again. Seriously. I am tired. His is mentally exhausting and I should just put a stop to it.
8:57 PM
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go. So make the best of this test, and don't ask why. It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life. So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind. Hang it on a shelf of good health and good time. Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial. For what it's worth, it was worth all the while. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life. So make the best of this test, and don't ask why. It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life.Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) - Green DayOkay. So Green Day has a touch for opera-ish punk music, which I find TOTALLY COOL. Look at this piece. Look at
Wake Me Up When September Ends. Look at
Boulevard of Broken Dreams. They rock. Green Day rocks my socks.
Of course, after figuring out that it didn't take that much effort to play the song with guitar, I love it even more. =D Whee. I guess boredom is hardly a case anymore for me since I have laptop. I could just go download some songs, plus its tabs, and learn how to play it by myself... what a pastime.. Yippie.
On another note,
Somehow, today, it struck me that it is really VERY EASY to make myself happy. I mean, just having myself being able to listen to music that I love, accompanied by a cup of coffee on my desk, and a guitar next to me, it seems to me as if I am the Queen of The World already. While doing work, I could just sip my coffee when thirsty, get my guitar and play a few songs, before getting ready to move on with my work. Before sleeping, I just need a few books (they don't even have to be mine; as long as there are books available near me, I'd feel comfortable) to relax myself before sleeping. And that's about it. Haha. Of course, the presence of a roommate is highly important too; mainly because I have lived with a roommate around since my first cry. Without roommate, I might as well die due to loneliness. Hahaz. Felt that during CNY holidays, seriously.
So tomorrow is Valentine's Day but I don't actually feel there is anything special except the fact that:
1) Yippie at least this year I manage to make PRETTY gifts. At least, according to the standard of MY craftmanship, the gifts are pretty enough.
2) Tomorrow I'd be going around the school singing for Guitar Club. Haven't memorized the lyrics, but could do that while doing work, I suppose.
3) Previously I thought that there had to be something special this V-Day, before it hit me that, yuppie it's gonnabe special because this is my last one in Singapore. No more Singapore years for me, thank you.
Anyway. I am actually rather disgusted by the commercialization of love during Valentine's Day. I mean, yesterday when I went Bugis, it kinda freaked me out that there were SO MANY shops or even stalls manipulating the event, making it sounds as if it is TOTALLY NECESSARY for people to buy the whatever things they sell in the name of love on V-Day. It's like saying, "If you love him/her, you should buy the stuff that I sell--after all it's V-Day" and the likes. And when I opened MSN today, the first thing that I saw was, "Spend Valentine's Day Like The Rich"! My respond? "Dots".
I start to question (the circumstances I was under last week kinda make my question even more valid), has the meaning of "love" been too materialized? For example, when I see one of those glossy magz, the impression that I get is that women's happiness is really directly proportional to the kind of wining/dining experience their lovers give and the kind of gifts received. To me, it even appears that if I love somebody, be it a guy or a friend, I gotta give him/her gifts. And he has the obligation to do so to me as well. Otherwise, one will get things like "It's you who always takes and never gives" and "Why are you so calculative" and "I'm sick of keep giving" or "Friendship is about sharing" and the likes. What the hell has gone wrong with the world?
Actually, I hate whining on blogs...
12:08 AM
Okay, I am writing this entry actually from my laptop. Mainly because I can’t wait until tomorrow to write down the happenings today.. haha.. blame Kenneth for that, thanks.
Anyway. So I went shopping for the v-day goodies in Bugis today. Spent quite a pittance amount of money and I guess I got pressies figured out for about 30 peeps already. I suppose, the rest will do with mere sweets.
I arrived at the hostel, thinking about what to do, when it occurred to me that I should just go check my email and went online for a while. A few peeps were online as well, one of which was Kenneth. He greeted “Yo” and we talked crap a while before the subject changed to “who do you like arh?” what with V-day coming up and all. Well. I didn’t intend to say anything about who I like, but before I typed my answer, Kenneth was like, “I know the leo club one right?”. I was like SHIT DOES HE GET ME ALL FIGURED-OUT?? But I tried to play it cool (that’s the advantage of talking online) and asked “which leo club one?”. He said “dunno” so I tried to guess, “Leonard?”, to which he responded with dots. Then I tried another stupid guess, “Stanley?”. Well, it was simply OBVIOUS that I was beating around the bush because one, Leonard is a classmate so it’s just impossible, and two, Stanley is attached, so it is equally as impossible. Funny that smart-ass Kenneth didn’t notice this. Anyway, the moment I mentioned Stanley, my mind drifted to the newspaper collection day at which I remembered Kenneth THOUGHT I liked somebody whose name was written on that piece of paper given to the CG Reps in case of calling the lorry for collecting newspaper collected from collection point. Haha. (If I am not mistaken, it was Walmond’s name). Of course, having remembered this, I quickly calmed down and cooled down, whatever one might want to call it… feeling safe after it hit me that Kenneth DID NOT GET ME ALL FIGURED-OUT AT ALL. Bwahahaha… so I just casually mentioned to him about that piece of paper with the addition to “NO LORH” which meant “No, whoever I like is not on that piece of paper”, to which he replied “Chey”. Which means, my guess that he only playfully suspects it is, after all, correct.
See, I could be so smart as to read others’ mind =D
But sadly, I can’t read into the mind of that one I really like. Hah. And I can’t prove to him that I’m, well, actually, smart. As I said before, he’s always very good in making me feel stupid…
9:48 PM
Friday, February 11, 2005
Read this gross article in the newspaper about a Zimbabwe runner having two genitals. He/she resolved to pay a healer to get rid of the male genital.. I suppose the sight of two genitals on his/her body has been too much on him/her?
Anyway.
I've been kinda trying to get my mind busy nowadays.. what with hectic pracs for SYF, piling tuts and S-paper work, upcoming tests (can that bloody chem department stop torturing us?), v-day preps, library week.. but at the end of the day.. or when my mind starts to become idle like, say, on the bus home or on the walk after late afternoon jogs, i still find that it drifts to the exact same spot again.. it's to him. It feels.. sad, to have your mind automatically thinking about something which you seriously do not want to think about at all. Why does this have to happen? Sigh.
If you are always so successful in making me feel STUPID, as in NOT SMART, making me feel INFERIOR, making me feel bad, why is it still such a joy to hear from you? Why, despite everything, I still think that there's a reason behind all the things you do that was hurting me? Why can't I accept the more likely view that no, you are doing all these not because of any reason, but simply because you have changed?
The saddest thing is, why can't I accept that I no longer know you--a completely different person... The hell with how you made me feel in the past.. made me feel loved, feel cared about, feel special... bottomline is, you no longer made me feel that way. The problem is with me, I suppose? That I still thought things are like what they were. DAMNIT.
We can't even be friends, can we? I mean, we no longer can talk without having that wall. And worst is, I don't know why can't we talk! It's just similar to one of those beautiful days when you have sun and clear sky throughout the whole day up to 11.59am but suddenly, at 12.00, it rains cats and dogs. It keeps on raining and raining, and one is left wondering why is it so.. to which the answer is, quite literally, only God knows.
Let me know what happened, really... and i'll leave our past alone, a memory locked inside the corner of my thoughts and feelings. I need my curiosity to be satisfied.
Yup. I kinda get it.. it's not love. It's not like. It isn't even any real feelings that I have for you. It's not infatuation/crush/whateverelseyounameit... it's just my thirst for knowing things that happen to me and that happen around me. It's curiosity trying to kill the cat again.
9:17 PM
How it seemed to me that "Raison D'Etre" was the only one exactly a year ago and how he is not even a good friend right now. Well, perhaps he still is, but it is no longer the co-dependency that was present from August03 up to, say, August04? It has evolved into something more.. well, I should say, individual.
Still under relationships, how certain people have turned from very good friends to acquaintances and vice-versa. How the used-to-be-not-so-close roommate is now someone I really miss when she isn't around
(FUNG IF YOU READ THIS JUST TREAT IT AS IF I'M JOKING BWAHAHAHA).
How I was so blue and innocent about people, and how have I turned into a more cynical being nowadays. It is something regrettable but nevertheless can't be neglected if one doesn't want to be called, uhm, stupid? Haha. It's sad to notice that innocence equals stupidity. Uh, but anyway, thanks to those who manages to keep me sane. It's a crazy, dog-eat-dog world out there, you know.. can get kinda stressful at times.
How I loveeeeeeee playing Besame Mucho and Dance of Yao People (uhm, two Guitar SYF pieces) two weeks ago when I just got accepted in the SYF team as opposed to me getting kinda tired of those two pieces by, like, today's practice.
How I just realize, after talking with somebody, that I don't know her at all... I thought I knew her really well.. talk about predictability.
My priority.. has shifted from overseas university and scholarships to local university and own funding.. and "local" here I don't mean Singapore.. I mean my own country Indonesia.. where my home is.. where I am truly happy. Yeah. My focus on the subs I am doing (Go for straight As and double distinctions!) and CCAs (be the best I can, be responsible, be as busy as I can.. haha) still have not changed, though. I don't know why.. perhaps somehow I can forgive myself for opting to easier, simpler way of life I know that I actually CAN choose the more sophisticated way, you know.
Anyway. Those are all changes... and it didn't hit me with surprise that it happened. It's just that, when I kinda review it, it makes me realize that that is what life is about. Changes. So Yup.
10:07 PM
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Hello bloggg! Ok, I admit that I've been preoccupied by manymanymany things (after all, i am a full-time student, so what's new?) and that I've been neglecting this whole blogging thing for quite sometime... That was bad, I know.. but with the spirit of new year shall we make a new start-off kick? (Am I like talking to myself??)
Okay, okay. I am bored to death. Well, almost, if I didn't find out that I can download songs using LOUSY hostel computers. Yes it is lousyyyy! Their speed of download is just the same with that I experienced using a dial-up connection at home.. But anyway, still can download! So it kinda make me, uhm, happy? It's amazing how simple stuff can make me happy. Sigh. Downloaded Green Day's
Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) [DAMN NICE!!] and
Ha Ha You're Dead [DAMN CUTE!!]; and I am seriously wondering, where have I been for not listening to Green Day's songs for the past eighteen years?? Ok, at least I didn't miss Linkin Park, right? Heehee.
Anyway. Vigorously trying to play She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5, and I kinda get the melody already (Fungshin was so happy when I taught her the melody hahaha.. It is simpler than what it sounds!) The strumming is another thing, though. My left hand is just not used to power chords (quote enquote Pat) and it keeps feeling tired after 15-30seconds of strumming. Counting Crows' Accidentally in Love sounds okay already, even to commoners like Elvina or Vega. And still have to figure out Shape of My Heart, Best in Me and I Do. Anyway. I think I really have to work on those songs.. otherwise how are we gonna play for V-Day? People pay $2.50 per song and that is precisely why we have to show quality! SIGH. Do I sound as if I overemphasize this whole quality thing?
Okay, talking about guitar, I really want a capo. Somebody buy me a capo. Purple one, or pink, would be cute. Thanks. Hahaha. No laaaaa... I actually can buy it myself but Plaza Sing's Yamaha seems so far away from this hostel...
Anyway.. Read this book that I borrowed from Jasmine titled The Student Body, a collaboration work of four ivy league graduates. Quite interesting--not as draggy as some books that I read before. Shall continue reading tonight. How about my tuts ya? And the S-paper work I long abandon? Where is my sense of responsibility? Sigh.
S-papers.. I am not quite sure whether I could keep them both.. I don't even know whether I want to keep them, actually.. Wait; correction. Okay, I know I definitely want to keep Physics S because Physics simply amaze me, but Maths S? Haiyoo.. I've been dragging myself to go for its lessons.. and I find it totally dead. Maybe becoz it consists of pure maths, which I don't find having much application, in my-reality kind of way.. That aside, there is really no point of taking one S-paper only. Right? So if I badly want the Physics one, I have to do the Maths one as well. Thinking about the selection test... and the fact that I currently have zero knowledge of the topics they taught.. Maybe I really can't keep them, but we'll just see...
Library Week is coming up and librarians are required to sign up for three days of activities; whichever days of the week we desire. As a result of having guitar practices on Wednesday and Friday, I have to go on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. So I guess next week is gonnabe a little hellistic for me?
For those who know who I am talking about, please don't gossip, okay? It's just that, I had a fell out with a very good friend last weekend. Basically it was misunderstanding... but I kinda see patterns formed during the course of my friendships with people. The complains have always been the same: I take too much, without giving enough. And it is purely in material sense of "take-and-give", which I, honestly, have never paid much attention to. I mean, I always think of friendships as something that transcends the boundary of the material world.. it is some kind of emotional attachment, a co-dependency. But I guess, judging from the responses I have been getting, it is really important to stop neglecting the material sides of it... This has happened more than once-or-twice during my JC life (which up to now lasts for a good 14months only). Perhaps it's the different backgrounds we are raised in.. perhaps what PM (Fungshin's nick for Papa-Mama) say about
them being calculative human beings is aptly correct after all. Or is it just the individuality that grows at its fastest pace during this time, while searching for identity? I don't know. But this makes me ponder the relevance of having good, good friends.. I mean, rather than keep wounding those I consider good friends while my intention is really just to be good to them (sorry, running out of words here), and in accidentally wounding them I in return get hurt, I might as well have nothing to do with people, right? I mean, okay, be a good classmate, be a friend, be someone they can tag along and have fun and talk crap and all.. but nothing beyond that. Now, how about THAT?
I am still in search of the answer. I don't know.